My posts about my husband go way back. More recently last week and the month before and the year before that. But there's been a history of physical and, recognisably thanks to MN of emotional and mental abuse too over the past 3 years. So tonight it comes to a head. He wants me out by Sunday. He's leaving tonight because he's so angry and doesn't trust what I, yes, I might do. He's the one with a record against him because he tried to kill me, but he's scared apparently of what I'll accuse him of???!
Why do I feel so sad. I've failed again, and regardless of what others say, I thought we were stronger. I thought I could make this work. I'm actually going to miss him. I'm going to miss who I fell in love with, miss the memories and the good times.
In spite of it all, I stupidly still love him, we looked at houses last week and I was looking forward to the life I could have had. It's like life gave me a glimpse of non fuck up and said "look at what you could've had but you've won Bully's darts and £114 from the last round". Feeling free is not all it's cracked up to being already and I don't know how to get through it. I just wanted a normal, non spectacular life.