I really need more support.

[JammyGem]

DD is 4 months old. She's a really good baby, and we're so lucky. But when she does have a bad day, I find it such hard work, maybe because I'm not used to it so much.

She's job is ridiculous hours - minimum of 12 hours a day for 5 days a week. He doesn't get paid overtime but due to the nature of the job he has to be there, and can hardly ever take time off for his time owed, despite having a contract for 38 hours a week. He usually comes home about 11pm after staring work at 9am.

I look after DD on my own every day. I need a break. We have no family or friends nearby who can help. I wouldn't mind if he could help in the evening just to give me an hour here and there but by the time he's home she's in bed. On his days off he tries to help but needs the time to do other things (go to bank, maintain his work equipment etc) and I'm aware that he is entitled to a day off too.

I know I'm lucky because she's an easy baby and at least I have DH around to help but I'm struggling to cope. At least she sleeps through now. Today she wouldn't stop crying and I ended up shouting at her I feel like such a terrible mum. She's last day off was Tyesday, and his next one is next Friday, so I'm doing 9 days straight looking after DD 24hrs without even ten minutes break.

He keeps saying he'll look for another job with better hours (or one that at least pays overtime) but I haven't seen him look. I searched myself but to be honest there isn't much out there for him that wouldn't be a massive paycut that we cant afford.

I'm on Mat Leave but really I wanted to go back part time instead of full time as I'll miss DD too much but financially it's only just doable and a new job for him would have to pay the same or more which is so unlikely.

I don't know what I expect from this, I'm just ranting. I just feel like I need a break but it'll never happen.

She's = DH
Sorry, typing on phone through tears of frustration...

That sounds really tough. Is there any chance you could find a nursery, child minder or baby sitter that you could use for 1 day a week? I know it's not ideal but as you have no other support and DH is unlikely to find a new job quickly I can't think of anything else.
I found getting out to groups really helped break up the day and a good chance to chat to other adults.
Good luck

That sounds shit! He is working way too much for what sounds like a shit company. Why doesn’t he get overtime? Isn’t overtime compulsory for that many hours?

Are your or his parents nearby? A good friend that could help out a bit? Anyone that could give you a break? Maybe a teenager who could be a mother’s helper so you can go have a lay down or a bath? Way cheaper then nursery or childcare. They only come over when you are there and help with the child when you are around. You build up trust to being able to have a nap or a bath/shower.

You need a break for your own mental health. Your DH also needs some down time. He needs a different job!!!

If he's working those hours, he can't have opportunity/energy to job hunt so you can't really blame him there.

It seems to me like you are locked into a cycle, trapped in a hamster wheel, and need to take a step back and possibly make some big changes. Could you guys reduce your household expenses, move somewhere cheaper, closer to family, so that he could take a paycut?

Not really advice, but I wanted to say I've been in a similar situation. Not as bad admittedly, but it's tough when DH works long hours and you feel like there's only you. What I can say is, it doesn't last forever. I know that sounds logical and silly but when I was in your position I felt like that was how life was always going to be. But suddenly, in a few months (not wishing away these younger months) DC will get easier. With weaning and sitting up, being able to move, so comes better interaction with your baby that brings a different side to your relationship. Although 12 months will seem like a long time away, in 12 months she will likely be able to walk and days out or trips to the park (even if it's just the two of you) will seem more fun and you'll have the company of a little interactive person. So if you feel there's no way to make adjustments to his working hours etc, for now, I'd look for local groups where you can find people who feel similar so you can share the burden and have some adult company. Small things to get you through, invite friends round to see you with DD at home so you aren't home alone all day. It won't be the same as having DH there but they might give DD a cuddle and save your arms for five minutes. Things get easier, and a lot sooner than you realise. As they say, this too will pass...