Growing up with a narcissistic parent?

[Daughterofanarcissit]

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. My mum was a complete narcissist growing up. Me and my siblings eventually had little contact with her in our teens.
A few years later Me and my sister then had children and regained regular contact with our mum and everything just became ‘normal’ we went round on a Saturday morning for a cup of tea and had her over for dinner etc
But she’s never actually shown interest in us or our children, never babysat or offered any help. My brothers now have kids too and it’s the same for them.
Last week, for the first time in my adult life I asked her for help. I asked her to come to a very serious medical appointment with me as I didn’t want to go alone and she said no as she had friends coming the next day and needed to get things sorted for it.

This has strangely bought all sorts of feelings back and I’m struggling to understand why we ever went back to acting like she was ever any kind of ‘mum’.

Anyway, Its got me wondering... if you grew up with a narcissist what’s your relationship with them like now?

Distant.
You can't have a genuinely close and loving relationship as there's no reciprocity of human understanding. I do feel like she occasionally ventures a "kind word" or "caring enquiry" as an investment in future care or similar. Sometimes she will seem to care, then blurt out something utterly callous which proves there's no real feeling or understanding behind the words - other than self interest of course. She understands that there's a formula to follow, but doesn't feel it. Paint by numbers.

pics your post really reasonated. I often feel like she goes through the motion of what she should say and do but beneath it there’s nothing. It’s like we’re faking a relationship, I guess it is impossible to have a real one with someone like that.

I avoid as much as possible. I know she will be judging me and if I am ever alone with her I am in a state of anxiety.

I now live overseas and I went back and decided not to see her. I didn’t want her judging my children. So I am now protesting them.

My anxiety is massive when around her, or at the thought of seeing her. So I don’t.

None existent.
She chose to leave my dad, me and my brother (21 and 18) to run off with a bloke from the pub. No contact for years. Then a friend request on mothers day one year 😂
Occasionally tries to friend request me or texts (I still speak to my aunt, her sister) all of which are blocked.
She's never seen any of her 4 grandchildren. She was an awful parent and it's taken a long time to stop feeling abandoned by her behaviour but I'm better off without her in my life.

Daughter, one of the sadder realisations was that when I confided something painful in her, she seemed fascinated by it. Not concerned, or pained as one is when their children are sad, but fascinated. It (and I) was clinically interesting to her. Really unsettling when you realise it.

Mother ignored me for years. Didn’t come to any of my graduations, birthday parties, wedding, children’s births... I didn’t go to her funeral.

Put her out of your mind OP. You’ll never turn her into the mother you want.

Do you know anything about your mothers childhood? Just intrigued if its nurture or nature? Ex's mum was the first narcisstic I had met but I knew nothing of the disorder. Ex is also an narcisstic but not sure all of his siblings are, makes me feel there is likely to be a generic factor.

Contact has to be low or none, all you will get heartache as you keep being disappointed. They are not capable of real connection or love, even for their children.

My mother is a narcissist, i see her every couple of years and that is an ordeal i don't look forward to, she was mentally abusive to us and i think some of my issues as an adult are due to that.

life her father was violent towards her mother, but not to her. I also suspect there was some sexual abuse from an older sibling.

Thank you for sharing. I think low/no contact is the best way and I feel a bit silly for allowing her to upset me again when I should know better by now.

When my daughter is upset I’m upset with her, it’s hard to comprehend how a mother just doesn’t feel that.

life she had a relatively normal childhood, my grandparents raised us for a period and were wonderful people. However as a teenager she got into issues and had my eldest brother very young.

It’s definitely affected me as a parent and a person greatly. to all of you

Lifebegins, I firmly believe that a linked gene or genes will be discovered at some point.

If there is a genetic link me and my sister have escaped it then, we are both so different to her and definitely not narcissists.

Yep. I am 58. I would like to please my mother before she dies. I never shall.

I had everything. Education, holidays, expensive clothes - but I was a plain child I was told and therefore was bot allowed to wear pink. I was told I was plain, awkward, anti-social and dim.

I grew up. Other people liked me. I always thought it was my fault until I had children. When ds was just weeks old I wept and wept. I knew I could never hurt him or be unkind to him. I realised then it wasn't me and how dire it had been.

It took my 12 year old saying, God, how did you put up with her, she's just awful for me to truly realise.

My friends were jealous because she seemed so lovely - to them. She told people I was a strange girl. She has mostly fallen out with them. I see them sometimes when I visit, some even send me christmas cards 45 years on. I think they know, and I know they know iyswim.

It took me years to accept myself. Our son decided to live at home to do his masters because it was comfy and felt he'd be supported. That makes me feel I'm not like her.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness - struck a chord.

Oh the roses all my friends as a teen thought my mum was amazing too and I was lucky to have her, typical narcissist behaviour.

I suspects genetics must come into play. Ex's mum was terrifying (very attractive woman but completely selfish). Her parents appeared to be fine and indeed her sister was lovely which suggested nature.

My friend has a npd ex husband and they have 3 DC, the oldest is extremely self centred and shows little concern for others. Even his siblings remark on his coldness. All have been raised the same and my friend works extremely hard to get him to have insight or empathy but he tells her he just "doesn't see the need".

I am surprised that neuroscience hasn't yet found a cause. Personality disordered individuals affect society way more than physical ill health so you would hope that investment into cause would be found.