Getting over multiple cheating partner - how long :(

[Justmusing]

Hi everyone. Feeling really sad today and quite anxious. So last August i found out my partner of 16 years and 4 children was a serial cheat, shagging about - 3 i know of and messaging women on facebook, one in particular who lives about 7 miles away. He was also a heavy drinker/alcoholic and we where having loads of problems which spanned back for at least 10 years, it got bad and i stopped really talking to him, he was out at work then at least 3 nights per week he would disappear drinking, even drinking during the day and utterly no respect for me and the kids. We where basically living seperate lives, very unhappy. I look back and it makes me feel anxious and a bit sick. Anyway it all changed in august when i found out. I still don't know the whole story with a few (one inc a friend who was his cousins ex wife) but its too painful to hear so i stopped at what i already had proof of. He promised to quit drinking, come off social media and drop certain friends and make a massive effort as i was really about to walk. So 8 months on he still hasnt touched alcohol, he has no social media and is very open with his phone and emails etc, he's dropped a load of people, he's attentive, sorry and took all the blame and he really is like the original person i met. we have sold his old business and we are due to move into a new home and everything now is much much better, we spend time away alone for mini breaks and he's much more involved with the kids too and really making a massive effort, he hates what he's done.
However its still incredibly difficult some days, i cannot stop thinking about what he did, i go to the local town for drinks with a friend and i instantly get anxious and think he was once in here leering after women etc. It replays in my mind, the horrible messages i read about his cheatings with other women to his friend on whatts app. All the messages he sent the one woman on FB and how he was lusting after her for almost 3 years, yes 3 years!!! i don't get how he can switch it all off like that, i mean can a person really change over night such as this??. Scared to deaf he will slip and end up drinking again even though he swears he won't drink ever again and doesnt give me reason to think he will ever do it again.
Last night i had a horrible dream about it all which brought it back and then found myself on facebook reading the messages i sent the woman about his behaviour then found a load more in my phone that i had saved and read them too. I can't help it, its like a scab. Now of course i feel like a wreck again, crying and back to square one. How do you get over such a thing? :( especially when its several god knows how many women and not an affair :(

You need to dump him. He's a cheating, lying, disrespectful bastard and you'd feel much happier without him.

How is this man making you happy? Anyone who makes you question your judgement, or lose sleep is not worth having. You and your mental health are worth more.
He may be behaving now, but he has form and he will do it again. Sorry OP, it looks like a slippery slope from here. Do what your gut tells you. x

You don't have to go on like this.

It's OK to come to the conclusion that you can't get over what he's done, no matter how much he claims to have changed etc. You are not obliged to try to make it work or try to forgive him.

What sort of support system has been established? Does he attend AA? Has he had individual counseling to learn about his weak character elements that led him to cheat so that he can safeguard his fidelity?

Have you had any counseling to help you work through your hurt, anger and grief?

Could you afford to go to a therapist/ councilor and talk things through? I understand that the prospect of being single with 4 children is daunting but I think you need to start making yourself happy!
If you decide to stay with your H then you need to be willing to not dwell on the past and not bring up the past misdemeanors.
If not then you know in your heart of hearts it’s time to end the marriage!

It's never the same once your partner's been unfaithful. Even if you can forgive, you can't ever forget, and you can never look at them in the same way.

Justmusing - do people drink because they are an asshole, or are they assholes because they drink?

Narcissism and substance abuse are closely correlated.

Narcissism and infidelity are closely correlated.

You can’t while you’re still with him.

It's a very difficult thing to deal with. You need to think about is this really the life you want for yourself and your children. I think this image is relevant, it is something my sister sent me when I was in a similar situation.

@category12 is correct, OP.

You certainly can choose to end your relationship. He massively betrayed and let you down. He felt entitled to cheat with a multitude of women, even a friend, and alcohol cannot be blamed for all of his despicable behavior.

Many therapists advise that it can take up to two years to trust again, and that is without the alcoholic component.

Personally, I would not choose to live with the pervasive anxiety and uncertainty. I would move on.