Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is lack of sex a good reason to leave

13 replies

Vertigoo · 05/04/2019 15:22

a longterm relationship?

Although there was plenty of sex at the beginning, if I’m completely honest with myself, it was never mind blowing. He’s quite vanilla whereas I like things a bit more adventurous. To be honest I think that is partly to blame for breakdown and he seemed to start dreading DTD.

I love him and I’m every other way we are very compatible. But our sex life has faltered to practically nothing. He blames his lack of drive to age (45) and stresses at work. Assures me he loves me and that he just prefers cuddling.

It’s not enough for me though and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated and fantasising about other men.

He doesn’t want to go to counselling or GP to check hormone levels etc.

I’m at the end of the road as I can’t go through yet another month with no physical intimacy.

But, he’s a good man and they are not so plenty especially for a forty something year old. I’m terrified at the prospect of being a middle aged single woman.

Do I just have to accept that my sex life is effectively over now or should I leave?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2019 15:25

Only you know if it's a good enough reason for you to leave. Any reason that's good enough for you is good enough.

Would he consider an open relationship (which I think would probably fail but might give you answers)?

Original poster

Vertigoo · 05/04/2019 15:30

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett. I’m sure you’re right about that. But it’s very difficult to know what to do because I love him and he is very loving in other ways.

I have brought up the subject of maybe the idea of an open relationship but he shut that down very quickly. He definitely doesn’t want that.

But it’s very frustrating for me and I feel both resentful and guilty because it’s not his fault.

I just feel too young to contemplate a sexless life at my age.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2019 15:46

He won't make changes and it sounds like you have to. Not even going to the GP is telling.

toddman70 · 05/04/2019 18:15

When you brought up the subject was it done with sympathy and compassion or in a more accusatory demanding way? I only ask because my DW and I went through a stage like this, my weight was dropping like crazy and I was frequently going to the bathroom. She suggested going to the doctors to get a check up, being a stubborn person I kept putting it of, but finally went. As I heading out the door she "politely" reminds me to ask to have my blood sugar checked as well - good thing my fasting glucose was 600+, I was an undiagnosed type 2 diabetic. Got that all under control with diet and medication, but now I have to deal with side effects of the medication and circulatory issues which are resulting in minor ED, but that hasn't stopped us from wanting to be with each other. I thank DW often for being observant and "nagging" me to get to the doctor, in all honesty she probably saved my life.

Placeintheworld · 05/04/2019 18:49

Slight turn on this subject and not much help to you @vertigoo sorry. Ive been searching the internet for answers and stumbled across your thread. Im desperate to be happy but not sure what to do as i feel trapped. Been with my husband for 10yrs and have two children . Hubby had major surgery 3 yrs ago and struggled with himself ever since. Leading up to this sex was fading out and now non existant . Its not his fault i know but he cant feel pleasure down below the same way he use to and struggles with sex in general but im only in my 30s and feel im missing out. Weve tried councelling and talking to specialists but nothing has changed. Im depressed most of the time as we live like house mates rather than partners. I have lost connection with him as a whole . He kisses me like hes kissing a friend goodbye and never wants to do anything with me . I feel im over the whole thing carrying on but dont know wether to stay and hope it works out or cut loose. I love our home (i work from it too out of a building) and i dont want to disrupt the kids home so i put myself second . I need advice xxx

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/04/2019 18:59

I had a boyfriend who suffered from ED and I asked him to go and get a prescription for some Viagra. He did, because he wanted me to enjoy an active sex life and to be with me.

You can't really call it a relationship if theres no sex.

Placeintheworld · 05/04/2019 19:10

@notsuchasmugmarriednow1
I agree its definately not feeling like a relationship to me. I just feel bad because of his neurological condition has numbed his feeling of sensation and there is no cure or pill that can help . I just never wanted to give up because it was just the no sex but its escalating to more than this now for me.

Original poster

Vertigoo · 05/04/2019 19:17

@Plaiceintgeworld

It’s so painful isn’t it. I agree totally that without sex, you’re just friends. And that is what I feel we have become now and I need more, I suppose it’s passion I’m looking for.

DP can still get an erection (sorry TMI) but he still doesn’t want to do it, even when he physically can. It’s like he just doesn’t want to have a drive at all.

I’m seriously considering leaving.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 05/04/2019 19:21

You'd better leave then OP. There are a lot of years ahead of you, and if if you feel like this now....

ittakes2 · 05/04/2019 19:23

Please go to a sexual counsellor first - they have them at Relate. If sex was frequent at the beginning it might be solvable - if he refuses then I think you‘ll need to call time as things won‘t get better and you are unhappy now.

Crazyhairymary · 05/04/2019 20:13

He may not fancy you anymore but doesn’t want to leave.

Nevertoolatetochangeyourmind · 05/04/2019 20:20

Not wanting to do it is a bit crappy for you! I can understand it not being so regular but just not wanting to sounds a bit...lazy maybe?

As for leaving, that's a very tough answer for anyone but you to guess at. It's not likely you're going to leave a long-term relationship based on anything any of us say.

Bottom line is: which way would make you happier? Would you be happier single with the possibility of meeting a man you had great sexual connection with but also accepting the possibility this may never happen or would you rather focus on the good in your current relationship and encourage your partner to get jiggy more often? It's a toughie. Best of luck

Original poster

Vertigoo · 05/04/2019 20:29

He may not fancy you anymore but doesn’t want to leave.

Maybe you’re right, as painful as it is to admit.

I really make an effort with my appearance, go to the gym, eat well etc. But, it can’t be denied that I’m older than when we first met and a good stone heavier.

But then, so is he. And I still fancy him.

Actually, thinking about it, if he doesn’t fancy me anymore because of superficial appearance/aging process then we really are over.

OP posts:

Flip