Why?

[Kelly0983]

Hello

I am looking for some insight into something that is confusing me greatly.

My partner and I are very much in love and have an amazing sexual chemistry. We used to be at it like rabbits.
A few in to the relationship and she tells me that likes sex once every few weeks.

She tells me she fancies me, and acts like it, clearly enjoys sex with me, tells me I am the best lover she’s ever had and our relationship is good. The only thing I can think of is that I do nag her for sex quite a lot.

Is it normal to only want sex every few weeks yet still really enjoy it?

I have spoken to her about it and she says that’s just how often she feels like it and that she loves it when we do it, but she enjoys it even more when there is a break of a few weeks in between.
I am female so I am fully aware that sex isn’t always just physical for a woman.

Thank you :)

I’m not sure whether being male or female makes any difference.

I know if someone pesters me for sex, it’s the biggest turn off ever.

Have you tried just being kind and thoughtful and NOT expecting sex. Run her a bath when she’s had a bad day, concentrate on making her feel good and give her the chance to make the first move.

Stressed people are usually more relaxed after a night’s sleep so maybe breakfast in bed on Sunday morning as a treat?

Thanks. I am kind towards her and do lots for her.

Can I just ask - and this may seem like a really strange question but I am trying to understand it - why are people to ask for sex a lot a turn
Off? I’m the kind of person who likes feeling wanted but I know other people prefer the chase etc

I think the reason it can be a turn off is it becomes a chore if you are pestered and it loses it's appeal. Plus you feel guilty for saying you don't want to do it and then start thinking 'Id better do it to shut them up'. Plus if you're wanting to do it when your partner is totally not even anywhere near that zone... especially if stressed/tired/depressed

OP, probably not what you want to hear but, a mismatched sex drive is miserable for both parties. You’re going to have to either suck it up or find someone more compatible.

DH & I are both in our 50’s and been together years however, if he announced sex was only going to be every few weeks, it wouldn’t be enough for me and would consider walking. Each to their own though.

Good luck

In my honest opinion, I think my partner has just become really comfortable with me and no longer feels any kind of chase because I am the one who wants sex the most. I think I am going to completely hold back from any kind of talk of it for a few weeks and try to be less needy.

Maybe give her a chance to miss me a little if that makes sense

Another issue surrounding the sex frequency is that she has a medical condition whuxh makes her very tired, so if she gets a lack of sleep, it can affect her for days on end and affects her ability to function in work etc.

Exactly eslteacher If I’ve had a stressy day at work, I want to chill out, maybe have a glass of wine or go for a run or just do something mindless like make soup. I don’t want to be pushed into anything demanding that needs me to focus.

We all live stressy lives and it really hits the libido.

Yes I get that. I suppose I’m just worried that she doesn’t find me as attractive anymore. We had sex so much at the start; she literally couldn’t keep her hands off me but she has said that this is just her normal sexual frequency now that the honeymoon period has died down. She says she fancies me more now and the sex I’d actually physically better than it was at the start. It’s just the decrease in frequency that bothers me. Physically, two weeks is fine for me to go without it, I’m just pining for the intensity of the beginning

The idea of letting her miss you a little bit seems a good one

Yeh I think so. We have such a good relationship and the sex is so good, but I am always “available” if you see what I mean. And I think that is what the problem is.

She will be expecting me to initiate things now within the next week or so we dtd last night - amazing as usual. But she will be expecting me to be wanting it soon again

Yes, that sounds perfectly normal to me. Sex dwindles in most relationships - as in, after the initial excitement and newness, it gets a bit ordinary and boring (even if still very enjoyable), and there just isn't the urge to do it as much. It's a bit like chocolate. You might like chocolate and if someone said you can have it whenever you wanted, you might at first eat lots of it. But then once you are having chocolate every day, day after day, you might still love chocolate, but you don't want it every day after all.

Particularly if she is ill, yes, she probably just wants to sleep! I am up a few times a night with our youngest. Sleep is precious to me. 95% of the time given the choice between sex and sleep, I would definitely go for sleep. I get up at 5am for work and get a few broken hours each night. I may love my dh and enjoy sex with him, but I don't enjoy it that much that I'm willing to forgo sleep regularly! It would be different if I was less sleep deprived. Or for your partner, if she felt physically better.

Beyond that, yes, bothering someone for sex is a massive turn off. It makes you feel undervalued. If your partner can't respect your desires and wishes, it's hard to find them sexy. It's also hard to force yourself into being in the mood when you are resenting someone for not listening to you and trusting you know what you want right then.

Thank you, your response makes perfect sense to me. Like I said, every fortnightish is fine for me in a physical level too