Am I Being Paranoid?

[joedo]

Having found out that my partner of 20+ years had a long term affair I'm struggling to rebuild trust.
It was a very difficult period of time when I found out as I was still in love with my partner and didn't want our relationship to end or our family to be split up (we have two kids). My partner was in love with the AP who had been pressuring her to leave me and she strung him along with promises that she would leave as soon as she could.

She claims she never intended to leave me and that she felt trapped and confused and told him what he wanted to hear instead of hurting him. H
We have discussed everything and from my perspective they had a very co-dependent relationship - although he sounds very controlling.

He would try to pressure her into having sex without a condom (She claims this happened once at the end of a period - and another time when apparently he claimed the condom 'split'). Due to his depression medication affecting his libido they only had sex around 10 times in a few years as it was more of an 'emotional' connection.

He was an older single man with no kids who always wanted a family of his own - and rented a 4 bedroomed detached house on his own....it sounds to me like he wanted a ready made family (cuckoo) or wanted her to become pregnant with his child!

We decided to try to mend our relationship as she felt that her relationship to the AP was a limerant state, that although we had drifted, she realised that she has strong emotions for me which is why she never left. Now she hates him and says she never found him attractive but was drawn to him emotionally (Work AP).

Things have been going well between us - we communicate a lot each day via text while at work, have a laugh together again (after what feels like ages) we sleep in the same bed again (we drifted big time) and are now very intimate on a regular basis.

She cut all contact with the AP, he did try to contact her and she showed me the texts where he was being abusive and threatening so she came off all social media.

Things have been going well between us but there is a lot of damage to repair and we are yet to take the first steps with counselling.

This morning we were grumpy to each other as I wasn't feeling well, either was she (both seem to have a bug of sorts) and I was irritated at being chastised about something to do with not having found my son's school tie to get his clothes ready (he left for school and came back as he forgot his tie and I had forgotten to put it with his clothes)...My partner is very much the morning general....

I text during the day to apologise for being grumpy and she apologised too.....so things seemed ok but did remind me of how things used to be on a daily basis and stressed me out.

She came back from work and seemed anxious, avoiding eye contact when I was speaking with her and it felt like she was avoiding me or a bit panicked and a bit clumsy getting things out of the cupboard and dropping them.

A little later she got a text on her phone and said it was from one of her work colleagues. A male colleague who was off work today looking after his 6 month old son...and is getting married in a months time she, was texting her for an update to ask about some management meeting today where they might have to take on more duties....

I told her that she was stressed and seemed very anxious and if there was something she needed to tell me....(we had told each other we would be open books and not hide anything from each other - as part of the step of restoring trust).

Her worries were in part to do with workload being increased and being . ill but also that she had to go to a building where the AP works and was worried that she might see him there. She was terrified of seeing him as she said she felt mortified that she cheated on me and almost destroyed our family.

When I was asking if he had been in touch, if there had been any contact at all since the time she told him it was over and not to contact her again (5 months ago) she was being irritated and angry.

That I was stressing her out when she's not feeling well, had a long stressful day at work. She was angry that I didn't believe her about not seeing him or having any contact, that she would tell me if he did, that she has no interest or feelings for him apart from hate for what he did, how he manipulated her when she was feeling depressed and unloved.

She then got upset and was crying because she thought I didn't believe her, that I didn't trust her so I ended up comforting her and telling her that when someone has lied to you on a daily basis for years it will take time for that damage to heal if it ever will.

She said she thought she was in love with the AP but realised now it was a fantasy, that she feels embarrassed, that she had fallen out of love with me but realised there was a lot of strong emotions and she feels that she's falling in love with me again.

It feels weird for me being intimate and close emotionally and physically with her, feeling that I am in love with her but knowing that she is not in love with me.

Sorry for the long post, I'm stressed, anxious and don't really know what to think.....is she seeing him again, has she been in touch and isn't telling me (or is it someone else!!) or am I being completely irrationally paranoid!!!

In a honesty, I would have asked to see her phone. She was to anxious and upset for what she was saying. Would she have let you see it??

I too would want to see her phone. She has behaved terribly towards you iver a long period so it’s going to take a very long time to win that trust back. She needs to be patient with you during this time.

She's done a great job turning herself into the victim here. She wasn't manipulated into an affair by the big bad other man. She categorically made the decision to cheat on you and you need to understand and accept that.

For you both to have a chance at reconciliation, no contact means no contact. This requires her to leave her job and find a new one. Unfortunately she has shat where she eats by having an affair with a work colleague and now has to sacrifice her job for her marriage.

Take care of yourself

Thanks everyone, I couldn't sleep last night at all as I was so anxious and couldn't stop thinking about it.

I should have looked at her phone yesterday or had some kind of reassurance instead of letting it dig in.

This morning after the kids had gone to school it erupted into a huge barney - mainly her as she was furious with me for dragging up the past again and again.

She was angry that I'd gone through her texts and whatsapp to find out who she was having an affair with. It was full on shouting, that I'm possessive, that I'm strangling her emotionally.

Her stress yesterday was out of fear that she might have bumped into him in that building (it's a few miles away from where she's based).

His number is still in her phone as she wants to collect evidence if he harasses her and make a complaint to the police.

He's already threatened to make her pay for leading him on, I did see the texts where he was saying he would make her life a misery and humiliate her.

I can see why she would be panicked and stressed about the AP but the whole scenario made me question her friendships with work colleagues.

Her anger was at my inability to stop dragging things up as she chose to be with me and wants to make it work. It made her think of all the things that I had done to cause the drift in the first place, of how unhappy she had been and of how it led her to an affair. That she didn't actively seek it out but that a colleague started to add flattery to his banter and start to make a connection...

I was made to feel that it's over between her and the AP, that she hates him, that he was controlling, that he placed a lot of emotional blackmail to keep her from leaving and that I'm causing her a lot of stress wanting to talk about it again and again.

I was told that told that I'm possessive and jealous and I need to sort myself out instead of stopping us from moving forward.

I think these people who have affairs and expect you then to just feel 100% the same and have the same level of trust if you decide not to split are really taking the biscuit. They are extremely fortunate that you even contemplate rebuilding and staying. If you want to look at her phone, do so without feeling bad. In my opinion she lost the right for trust for the immediate future and needs to accept it takes time to regain it

Again it's all about how SHE feels.

What about you?

Where's the understanding of the impact that her affair has had on you?

What you have described is not a remorseful spouse. This is just someone who's had their fun, doesn't want to deal with the consequences and just wants you to hurry the fuck up and get over it.

All the bad men in her life are controlling and possessive but she still had time to jump between you both.

As is advised to every person who posts here in the same position, get your ducks in a row, get yourself ready to deal with a split should it happen.

Could you go to couples counselling. It will mean you can talk without her blaming you all the time.

So, it's all YOUR fault?

It does feel like it's all my fault - and whenever I bring stuff up or am upset about anything her response is of being upset and 'what have I done wrong now?'

We're supposed to be working together on our relationship and it felt like it had been going well. I had been arranging things to do, going to the cinema together, meals out, trying to get a babysitter. Then I realised that it was all one sided, that when she has a day off work she's arranged to do things with her friends, which is fair enough, but doesn't factor in wanting to spend time with me.

There are also around 4 social events that she's been invited to, (1 big birthday and 3 weddings to do with her friends from work) I'm on the invites for some of them but she doesn't want to involve me in socialising with her work related mates.

The other day when I was feeling happy I said to her that I felt like I'd found my life partner and she wasn't sounded over enthusiast in her response. I challenged this later when I said that I wanted a sense that there was a commitment to be together and her response was that she wouldn't have stayed if she didn't want to make that commitment, that she could have gone with her AP but she didn't, she chose to stay with me.

I think you need to separate. She sounds like a total nightmare.

she chose to stay with me
Fuck that for a game of soldiers! She chose to have an affair. This listmy be useful reading for you.Short version - she should be doing all the work to rebuild the relationship.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

The steps must be taken for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries

Confusing prononuns but change all "hes" to "shes" and you get the picture.

She paints the picture of an abusive man...that whole 'he wanted a baby' thing sounds really far fetched. Here's the thing, often nasty people who do nasty things, blame other people for being nasty and causing them to do these nasty things. 'It wasn't my fault' waaaaaah. They tell tall tales to make the other person sound like they are the baddie. I don't know if that's what she's done...

BUT we do know that she has told you she doesn't love you. For me, that would be the end. If it had just been 'I made a mistake BUT I still love you' then maybe that would be workable but all this whole 'I think I might be falling in love with you again' (how the feck do you know where you stand with that!?) shit patter and constant dismissal of your feelings ect...sorry but it sounds like manipulation to me.

Anyway, all else aside, she cheated on you and she doesn't love you. Time to go.

Her view is that we both agreed to try and see if we can reconnect and rekindle or relationship and that instead of focusing on the distant future we should take each day as it comes.

We're both aware that there has been an intense hysterical bonding period and that we need to work on the underlying issues that were causing conflict in our relationship.

I gave her the list posted above with the steps for reconciliation along with the passwords and log in details of all my social media accounts, emails etc, as a step to us both being open and honest to each - with nothing to hide.

Her response was one of irritation, that only in an ideal fictitious world
would anyone be able to work with all of those 18 areas effectively.

She claimed that she didn't want to know my email info/passwords as she doesn't care what I get up to as that's my decision and one I'd need to take ownership of.

That being open with each other doesn't mean complete invasion of privacy - what if a friend is confiding and wanting advice, how would they feel knowing that their email/info could be read etc....

To say she was wound up by this would be an understatement but reluctantly she gave each password up when I mentioned what mine was.......she didn't volunteer them and made me feel like I was taking her space away by doing that - it then led to another accusation from her that I was always possessive and controlling, that she always had to deal with my Jealousy from the start of our relationship over 20 years ago!

Op what about your mental health?
There's a good book on amazon called 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' I'm not saying leave her but please read it or google her blog 'Chump Lady' and read her pieces on gas lighting and blame shifting.

www.chumplady.com/2012/06/gaslighting-the-fine-art-of-making-you-believe-youre-crazy/

www.chumplady.com/category/gaslighting/

Thanks for the Chumplady info, I realise I've been a victim of gaslighting for years - and anytime I asked any questions I was put down as being possessive and jealous and that it was my own insecurities.

Her affair went on for almost 5 years - undetected - and yet apparently I was the one with issues thinking there was something going on as I was paranoid and jealous. Even now it's all out in the open it's still seen as my issue!

I told her that I was celibate for years and was given the impression that she had no interest in sex or being intimate with me as she was depressed, feeling stressed from work and had issues with her body after childbirth.

Her response to my being celibate for such a long time was.

'Well I didn't ask you to be celibate, that was your choice!'