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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH midlife crisis and depressed

23 replies

liambaby1379 · 05/04/2019 01:53

Hello everyone,
I tried to post a thread a few days ago but for some reason it wouldnt allow me. It was a very specific issue, but i could use some advice on the problem behind it. My DH is 44 and I am 36. We've been together since i was 22 and have 2 boys aged 8 and 4. In the past year I've noticed that he has become increasingly negative and has almost no patience with either the kids or myself. Small things seem to irritate him to the point of outburst and he can be very cruel and condescending. I think that he may be depressed and experiencing low testosterone. There have been some problems in the bedroom as well. He smokes and drinks quite heavily 2 or 3 times per week. I don't know how to bring this up to him. If I do he is sure to react badly. I don't know if he will agree to go see his GP and get his testosterone levels checked. I think he already feels old and like less of a man and that if I bring it up it may push him over the edge. Has anyone gone through this with their DH? Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Alicewond · 05/04/2019 01:57

How is your relationship otherwise, do you spend time together, do you talk?

Original poster

liambaby1379 · 05/04/2019 02:24

Alicewond
Things have been very strained for quite a while. We do not live together at the moment because of his excessive drinking. We've been trying to have date nights and spend more family time together, but i would say that it is harmonious maybe 30% of the time. He resents me for putting him out but refuses to limit his drinking. He can become very mean while drinking and several years ago I ended up at a women's shelter with both of my dc after a scary night. Since that time he has settled down a bit, going out 3 times per week instead of 6, but his behaviour while drunk is either annoying or horrible. Our intimate life which only resumed resently is virtually non existent. He is affectionate otherwise. We still sit together, hug, kiss and hold hands when things are going well. Qhen they aren't he tends to remove himself physically and emotionally. Last night we had it out over dishes that I was too tired to wash. Again, i haven't heard from him all day. Sigh...

OP posts:

Blessingsdragon1 · 05/04/2019 07:30

He drinks and is abusive and you are worried about his testosterone levels?

Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 07:37

Stop looking for excuses for his vile behaviour, he prefers drink to you and his DC, why do you want this man in your life? If he's out the house don't let him back, move on. Fed up on MN seeing women trying to cling on to hideous abusive men.

adulthumanwolf · 05/04/2019 07:40

He sounds like an aggressive alcoholic tbh.

Would you be better off without him? You can't help fix him. Only he can do that.

Fairylea · 05/04/2019 07:43

Not sure why on Earth you’re trying to go down the road of testosterone levels when he’s clearly a selfish, alcoholic arse?

Surely you’re better off without him.

Dragongirl10 · 05/04/2019 07:45

He drinks and is abusive and you are worried about his testosterone levels?

This^^^

Sorry op, but you are burying your head in the sand, trying to find a relationship that doesn't exist.
He is not a nice man, he is cruel and nasty to you and your children, he has been violent, he is an alcoholic, he cares more about drinking than you and his children.

Please stop trying to fix him, let him go. leave him and find a better future for yourself and your children.

LemonTT · 05/04/2019 07:51

He does need to see a GP who is most likely to identify excessive drinking as the reason for his behaviour. It causes low mood, irritability and reduced libido. The solution is to accept his condition and to stop drinking. Which is why he won’t go to the GP

But you can accept it. That means ending the relationship and limiting contact with his children. You have no other choice but to protect them.

swingofthings · 05/04/2019 07:51

Could he be stressed? Is he happy with his job?

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 07:57

I would make the living atrNgrmebts permanent, and stop seeing him.

Read your post back.

You have described an abusice alcoholic that is cruel and frightens you and your children enough for you to escape to a shelter.

This alone is entirely enough to separate. You can not raise your children safely in an environment like this. The fact you can not even speak to him about it says it all. You sound very afraid of him.

Please call women’s aid, you need some support, guidance and help.

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 07:57

Arrangements

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/04/2019 08:00

This is no life . Cut down from 6 times a week to 3 ? He doesn't want to be married .It wouldn't surprise me if there are other women too .

ConfCall · 05/04/2019 08:06

Your DC welfare is paramount. They shouldn’t have to live with this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2019 08:08

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Was this your normal when you were growing up too?. Why are your expending your own finite levels of mental energy on him rather than your own self and kids?. Are you codependent in relationships?

I think you are in denial because you are looking at other possible reasons for his behaviour rather than the actual elephant in the room which is his drinking to excess. Also alcohol is a depressant and he is likely self medicating.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. Do not let them grow up thinking their dad's behaviour is their norm too.

CassettesAreCool · 05/04/2019 08:57

OP - and everyone else - there is no such thing as a ‘mid-life crisis’. It is the term people use to justify and enable men (never women) to be selfish arseholes.

PP are right. Alcohol is at the root of his behaviour. Why he is taking alcohol is not your concern as understanding that will get you nowhere. Only he can understand and resolve his issues. Make that clear to him, then move on with your life. You are done here.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 09:01

There have been some problems in the bedroom as well

he has become increasingly negative and has almost no patience with either the kids or myself. Small things seem to irritate him to the point of outburst and he can be very cruel and condescending

He can become very mean while drinking and several years ago I ended up at a women's shelter with both of my dc after a scary night

Please stop putting you and your children through this.

Again, i haven't heard from him all day. Sigh...

You should be glad you are getting peace from him today - all the better to start divorce proceedings.

NameChangeNugget · 05/04/2019 10:25

You are being so tolerant and patient, yet he continues to stick two fingers up at you, your relationship and your family.

You are worth more than this

Original poster

liambaby1379 · 05/04/2019 12:37

To be honest, I just read the arsehole or narcissist thread and an awful lot of it is sounding very familiar...

OP posts:

Original poster

liambaby1379 · 05/04/2019 12:47

I really have no intention of letting him move back in anytime soon. It has been a relief not having him here all of the time and I dont need to worry about him coming home drunk. For the most part when he is drinking he is annoying but there have been the odd few times where he became verbally abusive towards me and thats when i went to the shelter. Never any physical violence. When sober however, its about 50/50 with him being in a good mood. We do have it out but as a general rule not in front of the kids, although that has happened. I suppose i want him to see his GP for his general health as he is still the father of my children and is usually a very good father though as i said, lately he seems to have very little patience with them. As far as our relationship goes, this is the first time that we have split and he never used to be like this. He could be sullen and I do think that he has had undiagnosed depression at least since i met him and has been self medicating with alcohol for a very long time. Ive asked him many times to see his doctor and he'd always said he would but never did. It got to the point where I started just living my life separately from him. As I said, only recently, (the past 6 months) have we tried to make it work again. I dont even know if it is worth it.

OP posts:

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 12:59

You sound tired and beaten down OP

As I said, only recently, (the past 6 months) have we tried to make it work again. I dont even know if it is worth it

Is it really WE who have been working on this (or as I actually suspect) just YOU? What exactly has he done to help resolve this impasse?

He won't even see the GP and is still drinking. If the threat of losing his marriage doesn't move him, I can't see what you can do.

Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 12:59

He is NOT 'a very good father', how many times do we need to hear this? Stop excusing his behaviour, a good father doesn't get drunk 3/6 times a week, verbally abuse his children's mother. If you have any self respect or want for a decent life for you and your DC do not let this man move back in ever. Give yourself a bloody shake and stop trying to mollycoddle and excuse this pathetic mans behaviour, he's not a good anything!

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 13:02

It has been a relief not having him here all of the time and I dont need to worry about him coming home drunk

Explore why you cannot make that final break. Is it societal? What? You are relieved when he's not there. That's your answer. All you need to do is get the ball rolling and make it official. It's hard to face, but all this "working on it" is dragging you down and nothing ever changes.

MarthasGinYard · 05/04/2019 13:14

Not sure about the midlife crises....depression etc.

Just sounds like a nasty bastard....

Controlling too.

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