How to address partner moving in with me? after loosing a parent?

[kaykkies]

Hi guys..

In a bit of a tricky situ so here goes..

My partners mother passed away last year. Hes been an absolute champion and hero throughout the process. Before his mother passed we were in talks of potentially moving in together and buying our own place.

He lives with his dad who isn't managing their loss too well. We both have talked and have accepted that he need to be there for him and that moving in together any time soon isn't an option. Which I understand and am happy with.. V proud of him for always looking out for his dad tbh.

An estate of brand new and affordable houses has just been advertised as coming soon a 5min walk/1min drive from his fathers house. We've talked about wanting a brand new turn key house as we wont be able to afford to renovate an existing house after buying.

Any way.. in a nutshell: Brand new houses within walking distance to his fathers house. Be ideal for when his father gets older and we can make him dinners, walk his dog, see him every day etc.

These are in a popular location and will be snapped up pretty quick. My parents have offered to help us with the deposit.. How do i address this sensitively to him that these houses (although maybe too soon to move into) would be potentially perfect long term.

dropped every hint under the sun.

Can you afford to buy on your own?
Buying a house with someone you have never actually lived with is a big step.

Stop with the hint dropping and just ask him.

Yes, don't hint. Say you've seen these houses, they're near his dad's house, does he think you should consider buying? (I know my DH hates it when people hint at things rather than just saying it outright)

Why are you hinting? Sit down and have a discussion. Ask him for a timeline for how long he would like to be there for his dad.

What actually are you hinting at? That you buy a house to live by yourself or that you buy together or that you move into together. These all have different implications for him and require differing degrees of commitment. As others have said why hint about such an important issue for both of you.

My own advice is that it’s not the right time. In the OP you say that you got to the stage of talking about moving in and maybe buying. He then clearly told no, the time is not right. This is something you need to respect. Because it’s not just about supporting his dad he asking for mental space, in other words he doesn’t want to sweat the decision. When people push me for a quick decision I am not ready to make I default to a no and explain that’s why.

I would also be cautious of the situation. Yes his father needs some support and I have been in that situation but why does he need to live with him. Are you sure this isn’t a want because there are choices other than living with his dad for nearly a year. There seems to be a mismatch in your aspirations for this relationship.

Practically speaking there will be other new builds and these are not a good investment anyway. They are always overpriced, especially now with help to buy. It will immediately lose value, so it needs to be long investment and one you can afford on you own.

Stop dropping hints. If you can't have an open and honest conversation with him about it you can't possibly consider living with him.

Agree with everyone else - if you can't talk to him openly about this, then you have no business moving in together.

Just have the conversation.

“I know supporting your dad is important and I want you to know I would never interfere with that or do anything other than support you.... but I saw these and thought I’d mention it as we had talked about moving in together previously and think this could be a good solution. It means you can still be close to your dad / he can be involved in our lives but we can have some independence and take the next step in our relationship. If you don’t want to, that’s fine but this kind of opportunity may not come up again for a while (or ever) and we should be thinking about the long term as well as the present”

If you can’t do because you think he’ll get angry or shut you down etc
then something is weird in your relationship...

Sorry to see so many negative and shitty comments on your thread OP.
Everyone hints at stuff why are you all saying it like its something terribly awful.

OP the new builds near your partners dad sound a reasonably good idea. Do you think your partner would be ready buy the time these houses are ready? I think the 5 min walking distance sounds really manageable to still be there for your partners dad. Could your partner maybe split his time between both houses? Or if your partners not ready would you be able to buy on your own?

I think your hesitation may be that things have perhaps moved quicker than you thought.

Find a good time. Sit down and discuss.

You do need to move quickly on new builds as they get reserved, but the actual purchase takes forever.

Does he actually want to move out?

How old is his dad?

When did his mum pass away? I know you said last year, but fairly recently, or over 12 months ago?