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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a 45 year old widow. Advice please. My anxiety is bad.

22 replies

Chickdee63 · 04/04/2019 22:04

We have been dating for 9 months. He is the loveliest man. His wife died 2.5 years ago, I have came out of a abusive marriage 5 years ago. He's 45 no kids. I am 43 2 kids 20 and 17. We get on so well we have told each other we love each other. Because of my abusive relationship I find it hard to accept I also find it hard to accept he loves me when he loved his wife . He's usually upbeat today he was very very down he didn't want to text or hear from me wanted to be on own. My anxiety through roof. Help I really love him xx

OP posts:

BorsetshireBlew · 04/04/2019 22:05

Call a friend or do something to take your mind off him. He has the right to have some space.

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 04/04/2019 22:08

Yes he definitely does

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 04/04/2019 22:12

Maybe it was an anniversary of something special from his marriage - the date they met, wedding anniversary, even the date an illness was diagnosed. There are lots of reasons why he may have wanted to be alone, and he may have felt awkward explaining his reasons, especially knowing you are insecure due to your past. He could have been trying to spare you more worry in a clumsy way.

Having been in an abusive relationship is so difficult when you meet someone new, because you are relearning boundaries whilst mentally preparing yourself for the worst, so you can protect your heart. If this man is kind, and a good man, he will understand this and help you to deal with it. However he also has baggage in the form of his grief, and while it can be difficult to hear that he was happy in his previous marriage whilst yours was not happy, it is probably an inevitable part of dating a widower.

I hope things work out for you

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 04/04/2019 22:26

Thank you, I know when anniversary, birthday is but yes it could be somthing else or just a down day. I know I need to give him space and I will but obv with anxiety that I wish I didn't have. During the space I can't help think it's me. ;/ he told me tonight it's nothing to do with us he's just down. I am forcing myself to believe him. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 04/04/2019 22:34

Also when your partner dies, you can feel as though you can't say why you're having a bad day because you don't want the concerned faces whilst you are wondering if people are secretly thinking "bloody hell, not that still" so you learn to not talk about your feelings on a bad day.

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 04/04/2019 22:42

I would like to help him. But I know he might not want to say x

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 04/04/2019 22:45

In my head I am thinking he now probably doesn't want me anymore. He's came to the realisation. Anxiety is a bitch. Grief is a bitch :/ x I asked 3 times what was wrong he kept saying nothing but change in messages indicated there was until he said I am down and not having a great day x

OP posts:

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/04/2019 22:53

There is no reason to think he doesn't want you any more, he has told you that he's feeling down so you need to step back tonight and just leave him to wallow a bit.

Potatonose · 04/04/2019 23:09

Not being rude, but he's said 3 times he needs a bit of space? Please listen to him.

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 05/04/2019 05:11

It's how an anxious brain works. I am trying to fix that :/

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/04/2019 05:51

Definitely need to control what you actually send to him - you mind think it just don't send the text! You don't want to come across as being so needy that you end up driving him away.

Grobagsforever · 05/04/2019 06:37

I'm a widow of 4.5 years (38 years old, raising young kids) and I have days like this. I know my boyfriend struggles with it. But sometimes I just don't want to deal with ppl. It's not you.

Dating a widow is hard and not for everyone.

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 06:52

I fear that you really will lose him if you do not stop focusing on yourself (and your anxiety) and take a step back. This is a man that has lost his wife, at times he will need space to think about her, space to heal, and space to recover from the trauma of losing her. None of this has anything to do with you, so stop making this about you.

Send him one message to say you are thinking of him, and take a big step back. Clamouring, too much intensity and a lack of respect for hos boundaries will see him running for the hills.

This is not about you and your anxiety.

This is about him, and the loss of his wife.

I suggest you show some respect and proceed with caution. When is ready and you have proved that you can offer space in your relationship, and love, then he will almost certainly bounce back again.

You may decide you can't offer space due to your own problems/mh in that case you might be better to find someone else (as this is not something he can change)

Ellisandra · 05/04/2019 07:35

I’m married to a widower.
On your point of finding it hard to accept that he loves you because he loved her...

Come on - you have two children! Do you not love your 17yo because you loved your 20yo first? Of course not! Love expands, it’s not finite.

My husband was married happily for 20 years, and raised children with his wife. They shared something we will never share. He still loves her. I think it’s wonderful that he is capable of such love and loyalty. He also loves me. Give me a man who has loved and been loved over any other. When he chose to be with me (dating, even before marriage) I loved that I believed he wouldn’t settle for just anyone, because he knew how good a relationship should be.

Please, don’t think that he can’t love you.

Get some outside help with your anxiety and recognise that sometime, you have to give space.

Sunonthepatio · 05/04/2019 16:39

I'm sure he loves you. But you can scare him off if you don't give him space.

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 05/04/2019 19:19

He actually used that exact example about loving 2 children. And I agree I would take him know he's had a loving relationship over someone who hadn't. I love him because he knows how to love. I have taken advice and given him space today. I do respect his past x thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 05/04/2019 19:22

Thank you for all the advice it's appreciated and if stepped back today. I am going to really work on my anxiety without involving him and give him the space he deserves.
I respect the relationship he had and know he's been through a tough time. Thank you all and I will try and control what I send him in fact not try I will. He's a good man and deserves to have space when needed x

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 06/04/2019 07:13

@Chickdee63 one thing my sister does with her anxiety is write what she's thinking on a piece of paper. So using your example send him one text asking how he is but then when your internal voice wants to ask for the second and third time, don't send him the text, write it out on a bit of paper.

She feels that by doing that it's somehow out of her mind but not doing any damage to others.

Original poster

Chickdee63 · 06/04/2019 07:17

@hollybollybooboo thank you that is a really good tip I will Try that today. Anything that helps get it under control thank you xx

OP posts:

category12 · 06/04/2019 07:24

Have you received any support with your anxiety? How are you working on it?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/04/2019 07:30

I agree with others that you need to stop making your anxiety his problem. He's told you what he needs, so if you continue to pester him after that, you're saying that your feelings are more important than his.

What treatment are you having for anxiety?

PersonaNonGarter · 06/04/2019 07:40

Please please get support for your anxiety - CBT would be good for this - because it could so easily sour what is otherwise a happy relationship. I am sure it can all be great if you do.

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