Help me to process the loss of my friendship

[IloveCuke]

I have been through some difficult stuff in recent years. Had to move to get away from son's abusive father and lost my old support networks, only maintain contact with a couple of old friends. I entered a new relationship which started off great but she (I came out as gay) became controlling - emotionally and financially abusive. At it's worst I was isolated and unable to meet up with friends. My DP often said she didn't want me to have any 'real' friends as they would help me to leave her. About a year ago DP said she wanted us to split up but still live together until my son (then 17) finished school. Her controlling behaviour is not as bad as it used to be and I don't want to move when my son is due to sit exams, also the area I live in has a housing crisis.
The only thing my dp never seemed to mind me doing was going to church. Amazingly I formed a lovely friendship with a woman who had a background in DV. After a while, I was able to tell my friend what was going on with my DP and also what had happened with my son's dad. We were really close and she has recently, out of the blue, ended our friendship. I feel broken and unable to cope. I am a strong person. Of all the bad stuff I've been through, this can't be the thing that breaks me. Please help me to process this...

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

How did she end the friendship? Did she ghost you or actually say she didn't want to be friends with you anymore? If she told you did she say why?
I'm wondering if your "D"P has got to her and fed her lies to paint you in a bad light - could that be possible?

The other thing could be that she is feeling anxious having the extra burden of your sharing your experiences added to her life (not your fault at all OP but just wondered if she is not as strong as you and now can't cope) and maybe it brings back her DV memories.

Or she doesn't like the fact that you have shared and are strong and she likes to be the one who is sharing her life stresses and you being a listening ear.

All complete conjecture on my part but just sounding out some ideas as have had this happen to me so all are possible.

So sorry though ILove as this is so not a nice thing to happen especially what you have already gone through. It's a real betrayal but as you go to Church are there any other people there who you could befriend - doesn't have to be you age group either.

God, that's painful

I'm wondering if it's the gay thing that has prompted her to back off re she began to get feelings for you?

Being ghosted is acutely painful. God is close to the broken hearted xx

Thanks so much for your reply AnneofCleavage, I think you are right and my problems became too much for her, even though I was careful not to make it all about me or talk too much about it.

She offered to have me stay at her house in September after my 18 y.o son (hopefully) goes off to uni while I looked for somewhere more permanent to live. I didn't need her to do this but it was obviously an appreciated, kind gesture. She then changed her mind (and I didn't give her a hard time about this, to be honest, I didn't think it would really have worked anyway.)

Since then she seemed to be running hot and cold on me, being warm and wanting to see me one minute and being abrupt/cold not wanting to see me the next. I wrote her a letter telling her how much I value her friendship and that the issue around accommodation was a non issue for me and that I hoped it hadn't affected our friendship. I know she is also dealing with difficulties in her own life (non DV related) and I acknowledged these difficulties and said I was there for her if she wanted to talk/needed me. I got a text back saying she wanted nothing to do with me and not to contact her in any form and not to approach her at church. I know she suffers from MH problems and I suspect she is just feeling overwhelmed. I am finding this so difficult though. I do have other 'friends' at church who I talk to but find people are really busy and so it is difficult to get close to anyone.

My 'D' P would definitely have got to my friend if she could have but in this case, I really don't think she has, as I have been very careful to conceal my friendship from 'D' P.

You said you had been through something similar - would you be able to tell me a bit about that, and how you coped?

Thank you

Thanks Springydaff, my friend is straight so I don't think it's that. We did have a very emotionally close friendship, so I don't know if that was just too much/too intense for her. I didn't/don't have any romantic/sexual feelings for her, though I do love her as a friend. I just can't believe that it has hit me so hard. I've got through so much other stuff, why does this feel so overwhelming?

You've had a lot of trauma and that can catch up with you. This last very sharp blow is enough to tip you over.

Stay steady. Let the pain roll through - it really will pass but you have to let it make its way through. It's actually healthy that all that trauma is showing up to be released.

Can you get some counselling? It may be a help to check in with someone on a regular basis who can help steady you with support.

Your friend sounds quite unwell. You can't take personally her recent rejection - though you will miss her

Hey
I'm in a very similar situation right now. I've been ill for awhile and the friend who has been closest to me throughout that period, has just up and walked out of my life, saying it's too much for her and that she doesn't want further contact with me.

It's heartbreaking. I've got no real advice but wanted you to know your not alone.

Thanks Springydaff - wise words. I have thought about counselling but I'm unsure. I'm concerned it might just replicate the sense of loss I feel ie having a few sessions with someone, pouring my heart out, and then having it come to an abrupt end, but I will give it some more thought.

To Thinkingabout, thank you for your message and validation. Yes, that sounds just like what has happened to me, I am so sorry you are going through something similar. My friend seems to have an 'all or nothing' mentality - I wonder if that is part of the problem? She showed me so much care and kindness, it's almost as though when she couldn't continue to reach her own (impossibly high) standards it was easier to cut off contact than to take a step back. I hope you have other support Thinkingabout and I wish you all the best with your health. I have also had some health problems over the last 2 years which means I'm not working at the moment - it's hard.

I’ve been in a similar position so just want to send my sympathy and support. My counsellor told me that I should share my feelings with my closest friends. I took his advice and found that my closest friend backed away once I’d done that. That was my greatest fear and why I tended to put on a false cheery act all the time. It’s a few years on for me and I’m still trying to get over the shock and upset of being dumped by a treasured friend. It’s made me reluctant to trust anybody else. Find a good counsellor to share your feelings with and keep friends for fun times only. That’s what I’m doing

Aceofspades - I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through something similar. Are you in long term counselling? I'm worried counselling might just feel like another loss if I go for a while and then have to stop. I also enjoyed the shared, two way intimacy in my friendship.

When you talk about the rejection being your greatest fear - I can really relate to that. There's something about being in a bad/abusive relationship that makes you feel so defective anyway (or whatever it was that you felt you had to hold back). I'm almost left with the sense that I've been rejected because she's seen the same horrible things in me that my 'D'P seems to see. I know that's not true but it feels true sometimes. I can't help feeling that if I hadn't shared so much personal stuff we would still be friends...

Can you afford counselling? If so you can go as long as you like!

You can get low-cost counselling through various organisations - Google 'low cost counselling in my area'.

Or have a look at BACP and approach counselors in your area to ask if they offer a sliding fee scale.

NHS counselling is a bit of a lottery tbh, I've had some awful experiences. Plus you have to wait a very long time and then you only get it for a set time. Imo it is more damaging to get all the pain out then leave you hanging bcs the time's up and sessions end. Awful.

But I would recommend CBT which is provided by NHS and waiting lists are short. Very good set of skills to learn. But it's not designed for you to talk about your specific issues.

Thanks, Springydaff. I couldn't afford to pay for counselling long term. I have had counselling many years ago both short term (free) and longer term (paying in full), but ended up being made redundant and having to stop the 'long term' counselling abruptly at the time I really needed it the most. Neither was a good experience. Maybe I should try CBT, maybe I don't need to talk about everything, just find better ways of coping with it.

Thanks to everyone who's posted, it's been really helpful to hear your experience.

Aceofspades - you've said that your experience has left you feeling like you can't trust friends and that it's better to talk about intimate stuff with a counsellor - that must be really difficult. Does anyone else have any advice about how to avoid a situation like this again? I've never had a good partner relationship and am not all that close to my family. My friends are so important to me, I don't want to go through life feeling I can never trust anyone again (though I totally understand how you feel Ace - I currently feel like I never want to trust anyone again because I can't face ever feeling this kind of pain again.)

The one thing that struck me was that me and my friend got close really quickly (is that a red flag like it is in relationships?) and also she made big promises. The accommodation offer would be one example of that, as she initially made this huge open ended offer which also included my son. She also said in February that we were 'friends for life' and that she was the kind of friend it was 'not possible to push away'. When I think about my two friends from my old area who I keep in touch with by phone - they have never made these kinds of 'big' promises yet they have been far more consistent and reliable in their friendship. Is it that people who make big, often unrealistic promises are likely to end a friendship when they realise they can't keep these promises?

I know that understanding it won't change the situation I'm in, but I want to do my best to avoid a similar situation in the future.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but is it possible that you are attracted to difficult, emotionally abusive or challenging people and your friend from church isn't a huge heap better than your controlling DP in this respect? If you tend to find yourself drawn towards a certain type it can be very hard to change that without a lot of work, inner reflection and sometimes therapy. I know longer term therapy isn't an option for you right now.

You may also be channelling everything into this new friendship because your life is so constrained in every other way. It isn't surprising that this has hit you hard, you're in such a vulnerable emotionally stifling situation that it's no wonder that you now really value this new friendship and are devastated it has come to an end. I really feel for you in this respect. I know how much that can hurt from personal experience.

I think you need to urgently look at ways of getting away from your (current? ex?) partner and focus all your strength on that, you will feel so much better when you have done so. Then you can hopefully explore some new friendships in a variety of ways without an abusive, controlling person blocking all your access to other people. I really felt quite desperate reading your post as you seem so trapped, and so emotionally under her thumb which sounds very sad and must be hard. Have you reached out to Women's Aid or similar? Please consider doing so. There is also an LGBT domestic abuse charity called Broken Rainbow which may be able to help you.

And yes in response to your last post, yes those behaviours are massive red flags and you are wise to note that.

Yes, thanks Rhubarb, I think you've hit the nail on the head. (My 'partner' is technically my ex (she said she wanted us to split and we don't sleep together) but our lives are very much intertwined on a practical level ie I am financially dependant on her and though she is not nearly as controlling as she used to be it's not great either.)

You are right that I need to move out as a matter of priority. My son is now 18 and has exams coming up so i'm not going to move right now - I'm looking to move around September time.

You are right that I have channelled so much into this friendship because it has been so difficult to get out and meet other people. Even though my 'D' P/ex 'D'P is not that controlling anymore I have an anxiety about what she might do/how she might react from the past regardless of whether she actually does in the here and now. She's never minded me going to church as she thinks I won't 'come out' to a bunch of Christians and if people don't know I'm gay/in a 'relationship' then they can't/won't help me to leave.

I think you're right on some level that I'm attracted to challenging/troubled people. I certainly don't think I deserve to be treated badly or anything like that. It's more that I'm drawn to people who have often undergone trauma in their lives as I feel I can relate to them. However, that experience of trauma can often also make them volatile/difficult to get along with. I don't think my friend is/was manipulative/abusive like my (ex) 'D' P, in fact I think she's very good hearted, but I can see similarities in terms of mental health difficulties. My 'D'P has a diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (used to be called Borderline Personality Disorder). She is prone to cutting people out of her life because of something minor they have done, and flipping between extremes eg putting someone on a pedestal one minute then demonising them the next. So my friend's behaviour in this regard has reminded me of some of the 'splitting' behaviours my EUPD 'D' P engages in

Perhaps it's not so much that I'm attracted to people like that, more that it feels familiar?

I certainly don't think I deserve to be treated badly or anything like that. It's more that I'm drawn to people who have often undergone trauma in their lives as I feel I can relate to them. However, that experience of trauma can often also make them volatile/difficult to get along with.

Yes, this is bang on and I have found the same. It certainly can feel familiar and while baffling to anyone else, to someone for whom this sort of situation feels right and normal, it can be oddly soothing to be around people like this. Even though that fact in itself is very sad.

Do you really feel that moving would disrupt your son's exams? September isn't far off but I'm concerned that you may be using your son as an excuse, or that even though you do intend to leave then, your ex will ramp up the control and get really nasty when the time comes. It would be good to speak to someone impartial at Women's Aid and also explore in detail exactly what steps you need to take in order to move - maybe you could book an appointment at CAB to get benefits advice or start looking at properties or house shares? Are you waiting til sept because he's off to uni?

I wish you the best and hope you find the strength to leave. You aren't getting a lot of response on this thread about the domestic abuse because of the title so people won't be clicking through, but rest assured the situation isn't okay and you have the right to leave any time you like.

Thanks Rhubarb, It's helpful for me to know that you can relate to how I feel. You are right that I should prioritise leaving my 'D' P. I have made a definite decision not to leave before my son's exams. I have picked September because that is when my son will be off to uni. My son has said he will not move from where we are living before he goes off to uni, so if I left before then I would be leaving him behind with my ex. His reason for this is not any attachment to her but simply that we have a very nice home (she owns it), in a nice central area, near to his school and friends. When I move it will undoubtedly be to a less nice home, in a not so nice area, not so close to his school or friends.

My (ex) 'D' P does not shout /scream at me (she speaks to me in a horrible tone of voice but not at an increased volume) and has never been violent. The control is more around telling lies/being manipulative/passive aggressive and generally very unpredictable so I
never quite know how she's going to react. She was very controlling financially in the past and used to run up debt all the time but this has improved dramatically.

I know what she does is wrong however from my son's point of view he does not feel our home life is bad enough for him to give up all the plusses. She never has a go at him, never tries to control him, never manipulates him. I know it's still bad that he is aware that she is not very nice to me, but just to give some perspective on why I'm 'waiting' to leave - I do care deeply about my son in all of this and how it impacts on him.

I have started looking at places to rent online to get a sense of what I'd be looking at/costs/area etc. I haven't rung Women's Aid so far but it's something I could do.