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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's over ...... how do you tell him?

22 replies

cabcab · 04/04/2019 17:19

This morning was the final straw, he started his usual spiteful degradation of me, he speaks to me like I'm a bit of dirt. He speaks to no other person in this manner .... he's so hard and harsh to me.

He's said and done things that are awful .... called me names, disrespected me, been totally unsupportive then he's really sorry.

Today he's told me that if I loved him more I would forgive him, what a fucking joke. I did try to reason that if he loved me he wouldn't treat me like this,... no he insists that it's my lack of forgiveness.

I'm done, I'm not even upset anymore, he can say what he likes.

Fucking awful timing, we're going on a holiday of a lifetime on Saturday. It is not possible for either of us to get out of this (family commitment), when we come back he has a serious (non life threatening) operation booked. He won't be able to be alone for several weeks.

So do I just tell him it's over before the holiday, or carry on throughout the holiday and tell him before his operation, stay to help but move into the spare room?

I think I should smile until after the holiday, just to make it a bit more bearable. Although, I am not sure how I'll be able to appear "normal".

Life is shit sometimes!

OP posts:

Original poster

cabcab · 04/04/2019 17:19

Title should be when do I tell him?

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 04/04/2019 17:21

Tell him to go on the holiday without you and you will spend the time moving out.

Oldstyle · 04/04/2019 17:23

If you can manage to bite your tongue until after the holiday that would be good - otherwise he's going to sulk or complain or get angry (or all three) which won't help anyone. But it sounds like an excellent decision to leave him. Good luck.

Original poster

cabcab · 04/04/2019 17:24

@Aussiebean I HAVE to go on this holiday it's a huge family commitment and I won't consider not going.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 04/04/2019 17:25

Whose family?

Original poster

cabcab · 04/04/2019 17:27

We have grown up children it's one of them involved.

OP posts:

katmarie · 04/04/2019 17:29

Who's family is the commitment to? If it's yours, then he doesn't go, and you go with your head held high for leaving a dick who treats you like shit. If it's his family then let him go alone and explain why. Hes put you in this position, don't take on the responsibility of doing his shit work to smooth things over when he doesn't deserve it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2019 17:29

Exactly, whose family? If it’s his then why on earth do you feel you have to go? If it’s yours, why do you think they would want someone along who treats their family member like dirt?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2019 17:30

Ah so it’s your own children....getting married? If so, you can’t not be there, no.

katmarie · 04/04/2019 17:33

Sorry cross posted there. That is difficult. I can see why you both need to go. I think all you can do is make it clear you're done with his abuse and that the relationship is over. He needs to be a decent human being for the sake of his child. You cant make him do that but you can control how you respond to that behaviour.

TwitterQueen1 · 04/04/2019 17:33

Tell him before the holiday so you don't have to pretend any more and you can relax(ish). Then move into the spare room when you get back to help out.

lifebegins50 · 04/04/2019 17:35

Do the holiday and then tell him.
Can you avoid him on the holiday, get twin beds etc. If he is typical of this type of abuser then they are vindicative and spiteful so try to line up info before telling him.
Don't assume amicable as he is likely to hate the lack of control and get worse.

TwitterQueen1 · 04/04/2019 18:00

How do you think he would behave if he knew before the holiday? Would he sulk and stress and make it all about him? If you can't trust him to behave I think I would put it off until after the holiday - you don't want to ruin the occasion.

MikeUniformMike · 04/04/2019 18:10

Do the holiday then tell him.

Bonniegirlie · 04/04/2019 18:20

Tell him before the holiday and say that if he continues to be unpleasant throughout it and on your return, then you will move out before his operation when you get back. Then he can sort out someone who doesn’t mind being treated like dirt to look after him. And mean it.

Original poster

cabcab · 04/04/2019 18:40

Ah so it’s your own children....getting married? Yes!

I suppose even him on holiday will notice I've disengaged with him, I can try as much as possible that we have no time alone (apart from sleeping obviously!) together

Another gem today was "I've said all those things to test your love for me, I'd know you truly loved me if you cane back"

So I'm expected to show MY love for him by taking the never ending insults and shit.....how I wonder was he supposed to shoe me his love for me?

FYI he's early 50s not 15!

God I've been a mug for so fucking long! Written down that looks awful!

OP posts:

MachineBee · 04/04/2019 18:44

Do what you have to do for your DCs. So that would be to go on the holiday and tell him afterwards. A family wedding will probably mean you can find lots to do to distract yourself.

Re having to look after him for his operation- could you look into respite care for him?

Original poster

cabcab · 04/04/2019 18:53

He probably will be spiteful when I tell him, but I've heard it all before. He makes me feel like total shit anyway so what more can he do?

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/04/2019 08:27

Yes as the holiday is for a wedding I think it wouldn’t be fair to the bride and groom to sense an atmosphere (or even see you both arguing) because you told him it’s finished before you went.

If it was me I would just suck it up for your family’s sake and wait to tell him till you got home. If it was just a normal holiday I would have well told him by now and cancelled the holiday. But it’s unique circumstances.

Although surely your children realise how he is and how unhappy you are?

Original poster

cabcab · 06/04/2019 10:27

I'm leaving it until after the holiday, I don't think the children sense things are wrong, although I may be in for a surprise when I do tell them.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 06/04/2019 11:37

Go to the wedding but for Christ’s sake don’t stay and look after him pre or post op.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2019 11:42

Yes, go to the wedding - is there any way you can pay extra for a separate room?

As soon as you get back, tell him it's over. As a PP said, do not look after him after his operation.

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