emotionally immature - how to:

[nzvickymary]

Hello mums.
I'm sitting here, having just returned from 3 wonderful months with my family away from my husband (who doesn't like my home country (point of issue #1)), to really question wtf is going on.

I have just managed to pin what my hubby is, emotionally immature. Googling the signs its just one big yep, yep, yep, tick, tick, tick.

-the bullet points on this article and the last sentence actually brought me to register and post here rather than just read articles all the time

www.heartspiritmind.com/relationships/relationships-with-emotionally-immature-people/

I won't do all the back story with us.

I just want to say I'm currently writing this whilst I wait for him to return with our 19 month old (whom he hasn't seen for 3 months lets not forget), after having a big sulk because I don't even know why (something about me not agreeing to buy some blueberries and olive oil in the supermarket this morning), it's actually been hailing outside, bubs is tired, no stroller taken, no spare nappies, just no thought about anything, gone for hours.

Everything he does just causes stress and heartache, and being an emotionally immature person, is entirely unreasonable and immensely controlling.

I don't know how to get out. He's the father of our son and he aint going to let us go - goodness I have tried. And I also have reservations because it looks ok on the outside and what sort of person am I to take a son away from his father? (I want to return to my home country, or at the very least, not live in his home country anymore)

I think I seek some sound advice on reasoning with/conversing with and moving away from him so that he actually understands rather than just continuing to manipulate the situation and doesn't sabotage our son's future or continue to do so with mine.

Just wanted to say thank you.
I've had a week of harassment from my ex and it's all my fault. I just read that link and it's a yes for all of them. At least I know where I stand thanks.
Sorry I'm not help to your post. But you have really helped me.

(couldn't find a heart and i figured this is the closest thing hahaha)

I have never read an article that has described my ex so clearly

I don’t think you sound particularly mature yourself OP. The notable issue for me is why either of you think it a good idea to separate a child from a parent for 3 months at such a critical age for bounding. Never mind why you think it ok to take the child to another country.

Leave your husband if you want that’s your right. But you should not take a child away from a parent. It is not good for the child’s wellbeing. Oh and not really legal either.

Thanks for the stab, you’re entirely entitled and I certainly take it on board to feel just that much more shit about myself.
In my defense, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and he left us to go back to his country - to pursue an interest (teaching snowboarding, he jumps between dozens of different jobs ideas).
I accepted that and returned but being so unhappy with the absolute disregard, decided to go back for a further three months towards the end of my mums treatment to be that positive influence to get her through and to celebrate the end of it.

Everybody has their reasons to do things, I just don’t want to end up old and regretting my life because I stayed with someone who makes me miserable simply because of the kid. I’m going to stand firm and defend myself on this one and again, ask for advice on how to go about this in a way where we can part amicably (I see previous posters say thiS describes their ex perfectly - key word being ex.)

NZ . Your partner is a narcissist (which is mentioned also in the list). please read my thread on Arsehole or narcissist? and see if any of it rings true with you ❤ There are some good videos on YouTube on how to spot a covert narcissist, which yours sounds like. One thing to point out is that narcissists cannot change, so this is either the rest if your life if you stay or you can leave and at least have some hope of happiness. I know it's never as simple as it sounds but I left my narcissistic husband and he now has no contact with my children. He was so abusive to them that they do not want to continue a relationship with him anymore. I used to agonies about taking them away from their father but I honestly wish I had done it 6 years sooner.

Where can I find your post?
Every situation is different, so I pray our little guy isn’t abused. He is hard to please though and has very little to do with his daughter now 17yrs

NZ, if he is abusive to you then he IS abusive to your child. Children witnessing domestic abuse is a form of abuse. It's only a matter of time before he uses the same emotionally abusive tactics on your child. My children are teenagers now so I could see this playing out much more clearly but when they were little, I believed he was a good father, despite treating me horribly. These men treat everyone close to them the same (whilst maintaining a false public image to everyone else that they are a nice person). I grew up with a narcissistic father which left me with low self esteem and a feeling I was never good enough despite him appearing to be a responsible parent to the outside world. I also modelled my mothers enabling of his emotional abuse and repeated the abuse cycle in my own relationships. If you have grown up in an abusive household, it almost makes you immune to recognising abusive relationships. Ultimately, my children didn't want contact with their father anymore which is why I could walk away at the point I did. Something very telling was my 14 year old frustration that his father "just wont listen". If he wont listen to your feelings, thoughts and opinions then he wont listen to your childs either and will constantly invalidate them.