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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t know how to handle this

20 replies

needsomeselfrespect · 04/04/2019 14:29

Have been with DH for 14 years. He says he’s suffering with depression (self diagnosed) which has been going on for 3 years. It’s been hard to live with as he’s prone to occasional violent rages (towards objects not people) and says horrendous things. The rest of the time he is just ok. Never particularly happy, always just ok. I don’t feel like we have much of a life anymore I just tread on eggshells and try to appreciate when we have “good days.”

He’s cut his family off - all of them. They all hate me as he won’t talk to them at all and over the years have come to the conclusion I am controlling and have stopped him seeing them. They have no idea that actually I have begged him to speak to them and told him he can’t just dispose of them as they are people who love him. I have told them this the last time there was contact but they don’t believe me as he has not spoken to them (they don’t know but he has blocked there numbers so he doesn’t get their texts/calls).

Today we drove to another city because he had a meeting and as it was an overnight so thought I could come stay at the hotel. I thought this was a nice idea and it gave me hope that things were getting better (he never suggests doing anything). On the way he picked an argument about my driving which escalated to him screaming, swearing and telling me he doesn’t care about anything. He doesn’t care about me or dc. He’s sorry but he just doesn’t. Then he dumped me in the city and told me to make my own way home. I was in tears and asked him why he’s so spiteful when we argue and he said maybe I need to accept that he says hurtful things because he’s not a nice guy. He said we won’t see him again (he’s said this before more than once).

Anyway I called Dm who has the kids and she said get a train home. Train gone is £120. I ended up checking into the hotel room - have no idea when his meeting will finish. My gut says get on the train and go home - don’t contact him. Stop worrying about what he might do to himself (he’s taken an overdose before) and start realising that he’s not who he was and I need to look after the kids and get myself sorted for life as a single parent. The other half wants to wait until his meeting finishes and have it out with him - I have so many questions and so much to say. However I’m also worried that I’m also staying because I want to desperately try to hold our family together and hope he’ll take it all back.

The thing is it’s been said now and we’ve had similar discussions in the past where he’s said “unforgivable” things that I’ve “forgiven.” He won’t go to the doctor for depression and says this is not an option.

Please is there anyone out there that can offer me some advice? Leaving seems to be the hardest option but also the best for my sanity

OP posts:

BricksInTheWall · 04/04/2019 14:33

Leave. When someone tells you who they are you listen. Depression is no excuse to treat you this way. He needs to sort his life out and get a proper diagnosis and treatment. You can't stay to be his punch bag.

Get the train and go home, honestly.

BricksInTheWall · 04/04/2019 14:35

And if getting treatment isn't an option, then you simply say you staying isn't an option. You absolutely deserve someone who wants to be their best version of themself for you. He doesn't. He seems content with being this way and knowing you'll forgive it each time. It's time to switch it up, it is ok to say 'enough'.

WonderhowidoitWoman · 04/04/2019 14:40

I've suffered with depression in the past and I do understand to an extent where he is coming from, I had a 1 year old and my relationship was very rocky, he wasn't helping me at all and things got on top of me so I pushed him away.. i pushed everybody away and was left alone for months so nobody really knew which defo made it so much worse but I did feel very empty and numb, I didn't care about anything, everything felt dark and empty and I only did what I had to do for my child because I knew I had to, I couldn't let him suffer or starve. Unfortunately until he does seek help he wont change and it could get alot worse.. a massive credit to you for sticking by him because I know how hard it is. He needs help and I don't think theres honestly anything you can do for him, its something he needs to sort or figure out why he feels that way or what started it, I defo suggest he sees a therapist aswell it's too much for you to bear by yourself.. Maybe his family needs to know how he is so they can help or it's all going to be left to you and it's not fair at all x

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/04/2019 14:40

If he won't get help he doesn't give a shit about you.
Leave for your sake and your kids.

adulthumanwolf · 04/04/2019 14:42

I'd give him an ultimatum- he must go to the GP and seek help, or it's over. You can't live like this.

Original poster

needsomeselfrespect · 04/04/2019 14:44

I know I need to leave I just don’t know how to do it. I’m not a strong person. I know I need to just do it though - I hate myself for being weak enough to contemplate not leaving.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 04/04/2019 14:44

Yes I agree, you should go and get the train now. That sounds really tough OP, but I'd say the same, he sorts himself out at the GP or it's over.

Original poster

needsomeselfrespect · 04/04/2019 14:44

Adulthumanwolf - I have and he has lied and said he’s gone to the GP before. He won’t go.

OP posts:

Preggosaurus9 · 04/04/2019 14:45

He says he’s suffering with depression (self diagnosed)

Refusing to seek medical attention is he? In which case that translates to "I'm a selfish cunt who sees no reason to change" .

Tell him to fuck the fuck out of your house

HeyJude81 · 04/04/2019 14:49

So sorry you’re in this horrible situation OP but believe me when I say this. When it comes to a mother protecting and looking after her children, you’ll be stronger than you think. I was in a similar situation years ago when DC1 was little and her father was EA and I never thought I’d have the strength to leave and do it on my own but I did. It wasn’t easy but it was a hell of a lot easier than the constant abuse and treading on eggshells. Hugs and strength to you xx

MumUnderTheMoon · 04/04/2019 14:50

You need to leave. You say you aren't strong but if you won't stand up for yourself you have to stand up for your kids. They are being raised in an abusive home and by staying you are complicit in that abuse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/04/2019 14:55

I suffer from chronic depression. In fact I'm suffering from it now. It makes me flat and withdrawn but it's never made me unkind, and I see it as my responsibility to seek treatment.

It's hard to live with depressed people because they tend to be withdrawn and uninterested in fun or social activities. But what you describe is just abusive behaviour.

Your DH is selfish, self indulgent and cruel. Depression is no excuse.

Jackshouse · 04/04/2019 14:56

For the sake of your kids you need to leave. He is emotionally abusing you do your children are being abused too.

If he says something that makes you think he will try sucide then you contact the police be he needs a trained professional who is not part of his family.

papaver · 04/04/2019 22:57

I spent years putting up with this kind of behavior from my DH who has mh issues and trying to hold the family together. I am now lucky to be away from him and getting support from the local domestic abuse service who have enabled me to see his behaviour for what is was. Depression is NO excuse for abuse of this kind and I am sorry to say that leaving is certainly what you need to do for the well-being of yourself and your dc. Wishing you all the best. It is hard but as HeyJude says it is a lot easier that a life constantly treading on egg shells.

Lockcodger · 05/04/2019 00:01

Needsome please read my thread on Arsehole or narcissist? and see if it rings true with you ❤

thequeenoftarts · 05/04/2019 00:11

So basically he is telling you that you and his lovely kids and his family aren't important enough to spur him on to seek help.
He would have one more chance with me, make a gp appt and he goes with you to discuss his options or you pack his bags and he leaves right there and then, with no access to the kids alone until he seeks help.
No more excuses, sometimes tough love and self preservation is all you can do and people like this need to be cut adrift to heal or sink by themselves

HelenUrth · 05/04/2019 00:12

You can't change him.
Your children are seeing how their father treats their mother, and it is being ingrained into them that this is what a relationship is like. So their bar is being set very low, and when they are in relationships as adults, they won't realise until very late if they are in abusive relationships.
You need to leave to show them that this behaviour is unacceptable.
You may benefit from some counselling, or doing the Freedom Programme to find out why you have tolerated this crap for so long.

LaughingCow99 · 05/04/2019 00:29

He won't get help, you have to leave him. How dare he treat you this way, illness or no illness.

LemonTT · 05/04/2019 00:33

If he won’t see a doctor then call it a day. After 3 years of awful behaviour it is not going to get better. This is not about him anymore you need to protect your children from him. And you.

ogidni · 05/04/2019 01:53

Are you ok OP? Did he come back from the meeting?

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