Wow, there is so much here that is helpful, I have been trying to put together a response but I can’t do you guys justice at all. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
SlightlymisplacedDad, you have pre-empted much of what I wanted to come back and ask you. Your posts have been so helpful and there are a lot of parallels with my own circumstances which makes your input even more useful.
One of the things you mentioned is trying to be careful to criticise the behaviour and not the person. That is such an important distinction and thank you for highlighting it. The children are still young (2 and 4) so I don’t discuss it too much with them yet because I don’t want to highlight it as a thing, but occasionally when necessary I have tried to say to the older one that xyz was not good behaviour and why we shouldn’t do that. For now, I have tended towards the less said the better but as they get older I hope to do more of what you have suggested and talk about things much more directly and just keep talking, talking, talking. I guess following on from that it also means being more conscious than I probably have been up to now, of really carving out lots of time when they have my undivided attention so that those conversations can arise naturally. It is difficult for all of us when there are so many other life issues that need instant fire-fighting but one has to try to keep that time at the top of the list and I need to do better.
It is frustrating because their Dad has frequently lambasted me and my supposed behaviour in front of them, sometimes fairly but often very unfairly. He has often painted me as some dreadful, unreasonable and unsupportive woman who is ruining all of their lives. I just try to let my actions speak for themselves and keep trying to model calm, good behaviour in response. I seldom counter his attacks in any detail. At worst I will simply state that it isn’t true if it isn’t or make a short defence and then ignore because I don’t want to feed the frenzy and escalate it.
He is working shifts now so hopefully they don’t see that much of his bad behaviour but it is still far from ideal and it still makes me stressed which indirectly impacts on them because it does sap my energy levels somewhat.
Thank you again, Slightly for addressing the question of it being the same sex parent who is behaving questionably. My children are boys and I do worry about them copying the same sex parent and acting out those same bad behaviours in their own future relationships, or on the other hand becoming docile victims. I am told by their nursery that they are kind and thoughtful so they aren’t acting out in the present. I just hope it isn’t stored up somewhere as a strong template. I hope it fades into one of many patterns of behaviour that we all encounter and gets discarded as a not very useful way to conduct oneself. I guess that’s why I wish I could show them more counter-examples.
I should add that I have singled out SlightlyMisplacedDad because there are so many parallels, but I do want to thank all of you for your contributions as there is something useful in all of what has been said here and it is making me reflect on matters in a new way.
TimeIHadaNameChange, I am very sorry to hear of your experience too and thank you for contributing. You mentioned a few things also that really chime with me. Our second son is two years younger than the first. Our relationship was already breaking down when he was conceived. We hadn’t slept together for six months and I hadn’t restarted my periods as I was still breastfeeding the eldest but we had booked a holiday and I was dreading going but he was good and kind for a bit and I thought maybe if I just tried harder, had another go we might just make it work and we slept together in advance of the holiday, just once before it turned sour again. Our second son was conceived on that occasion. I had stopped sleeping with him because I couldn’t when he was so bad-tempered and I no longer believed it was my fault or a temporary thing that would pass.
Anyway the reason I mention this is because I had been reconciling myself to the fact that my son wouldn’t have a sibling and I was a little sad for him and conscious that I would have to be mindful not to let that impact on my relationship with him. I don’t know how to explain it but I guess I didn’t want to fall into the trap of not fostering his full independence from me and allowing him to need me more than is good for him or encouraging some sort of unhealthy devotion to his mother. Anyway he ended up having a little brother and I am so glad that they have each other. In fact that sibling relationship is probably also another good practice ground for learning about kindness and mutual respect and all the things it takes to make any relationship work.
Meamdwinealone, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am so so sorry that you and your siblings have suffered the consequences of your parents’ bad relationship into adulthood.
BlingLoving, you’re so right, it doesn’t have to be all about romantic relationships and you did get me thinking more about the sibling relationship. I do try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I don’t bad-mouth people and I generally come across as cheerful even if I’m feeling a bit down on the inside. I think I’m a friendly but introverted optimist if that makes sense. Having said that, for one reason or another I don’t really have many (any) close friends. My parents are also difficult people and I only have one sibling with whom I have a tricky relationship. I do nevertheless invite myself over to his home now and then to visit his family (he would never think to invite if I didn’t) and I invite him and his little boy over to ours because I think it’s good for the children. I am working on trying to foster friendships though as I know this is a crucial step as much for the children as for myself.
I’m sorry if this a bit rambly in different directions but you guys are giving me so much good food for thought that I can’t keep on top of it! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.