Dp and his friends and concerns

[CoCoSlowMo]

Dp is late 40s (as am I). He looks very young for his age and would easily pass for mid 30s. We have been seeing each other around 9 months. We get on really well, relationship going fine apart from one thing.

He has a group of male married friends he goes out with about once a week (younger than him, late 30s, early 40s) and every time he goes out with them, one of them picks up a woman (and ends up having sex, back at hers etc.). He tells me this in the spirit of being honest and it comes out like he's telling me as his best mate if you see what I mean.

I'm obviously not going out with him to change him or change his friend group, I just find it really distasteful and obviously i worry that if that's 'why' they are going out (whether it is or isn't) that he will be tempted into doing the same.

I also think that at some stage don't you get too old for this shit - going out and pulling random women in bars?

I am seeing him tonight and I was going to bring it up but I've realised other than me finding it distasteful, there isn't really much he can do (other than choose different friends) so there's not much for me to say?

No, there isn't much you can say. But generally I think birds of a feather stick together so if it was just one of them the rest would move along. My daughter has recently started dating someone who had that mentality with his mates - and they don't ask him out any more because he doesn't want to go out on the pull.

Yes, most men/women grow out of this so the fact that they're all 'mature' would set the alarm bells off with me.

No not much you can say other than voice your opinion which he may or may not agree with.

I wouldn’t do that to be honest but I would subtly explore his attitude towards this type of behaviour. But really what do you think they are doing that is wrong. Single people are allowed to have sex with no strings. Better that in some way than they string someone along for sex when they don’t really want to commit. Which of course could be your DPs behaviour. Or he could be looking for a life partner. Whichever.

Personally I think honesty about what you want is better than anything else. If it is just sex for one night that’s ok.

yes that makes sense - the age of them doing it rings alarm bells with me too

will probe a bit about his attitude. I know he has said in the past that their wives have stopped sleeping with them (the two who are the most prolific) - I said well why do you think that is?! I think we probably have a fair amount of exploring to do

So are these guys attached/married?

Assuming they aren't married or have partners they are committed to in a serious relationship, I can't see how much it matters. Amongst single people in their 30s or even 40s, no, I don't think that's necessarily unusual behaviour - if maybe a bit extreme and yucky. I'm a decade away from the singles scene but when I was still out with friends every weekend (friends at the time were late 20s/30s/40s), this would have been typical behaviour of some of the wilder ones. We are all now mostly settled down, married with kids now, but everyone has their friend with the questionable behaviour. If said friend is otherwise decent and respectful and your partner is committed and open to you, then I think you chalk it up to being not a big deal. I can't imagine ending a good relationship because a partner's friend is a bit loose, as in the end, it really doesn't affect you.

It says they're married not single! OP if I were you I would have a good conversation about this with him and gauge his feelings about it. The fact he tells you is good, but it wouldn't sit easy with me

So he's going out on the lash with married men who are on the pull to have sex outside their marriage.

I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable. It's one of those, when somebody shows you who they are believe them, moments. He doesn't seem to see much wrong with their behaviour, and if in future he has a wobble about your relationship you know that his mates are going to be encouraging him to find a nice ONS behind your back.

If he was a woman posting on MN, half of the replies would say "I couldn't be friends with somebody with such a different moral code to me". If they were good mates, the OP would be encouraged to do coffee & cake or dinner meets with them instead of alcohol fuelled binges that regularly end in infidelity.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, OP. You obviously trust him and he's probably a good sort. You would be totally unreasonable to ask him not to hang around with his mates. I think I'd just want to be curious with him about what he actually thinks of their behaviour and if he says anything to them.

There's one of these in my husband's band of friends. He's a real dog. Married but sees nothing wrong in pulling some random woman if it looks like sex is on the cards. He's quite open about it, and all the friends know what he's like. That doesn't mean that the other guys are like that. They're not. Just dog man.

Dog man 😂

that's interesting sicario and I wonder whether that is the case

I think you're all right and I'll have to do some gentle probing around it and see what he thinks. I think the fact that he tells me is good and probably means he doesn't condone it (he isn't telling me in a 'isn't it amazing' way but more in a 'can you believe it' rolling eyes sort of way)

Is this mid week or every weekend? I would expect him to not go out so much on this kind of night out now he is with you.

Exh had regular boys nights out when we first met then gradually he wanted to be with me instead and only went out for special occasions which was the pattern for all his mates too.

People tend to behave differently in groups and if it's the whole group of friends doing it then it seems like it's become normalised and even encouraged amongst them.

So it probably makes it more likely that he would behave similarly one day. He has chosen these friends so he clearly doesn't have much issue with their morals.

The fact that he justifies it by saying that their wives aren't sleeping with them is also worrying. Does that make it ok in his mind?

I would put your concerns to him but also be on your guard.

OP I hope you don't mind a guy replying, but I'm 47 and with a big group of mates ranging from late 30's to 50, including a handful who struggle to keep it in their pants. I'm not sure blokes ever get too old for going out together, after all we're all big kids when together and think we're 22 again!
It certainly doesn't mean that he's doing the same, nor does it mean he doesn't disprove. The majority in our group fit into this description and we don't hold back in telling them. Makes no difference though.

If he's telling you all about it then it sounds like he clearly trusts you and has nothing to hide.
Nothing wrong with you expressing your disapproval, but definitely don't give the impression you don't want him going out with them anymore.

Oh they are married. Then that is poor behaviour on their part. I’m not sure how much you should judge your DP on it however. He might just be a live and let live guy. Of course that might not suit you as a person.

I would stick with gentle and subtle probing of his attitude to infidelity and honesty. Interestingly I was often stuck how people who as children witnessed and had bad experiences of infidelity from their parents often followed the same pattern. Even when then would condemn their parents behaviour.
I then read that it is a strong determinant. Don’t know how evidenced that was. But it’s why I stick with the principle of not exposing kids to the truth about their parents cheating.

So I suppose if you see it as a normalised behaviour then you might copy it or feel justified in doing it.

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep....

I'll leave it there.

Dog man is genius

Sorry, but I don't think it's any of your business how his friends lead their lives.
Your partner hasn't given you any cause for concern, so where's the issue?
Don't let your insecurities cause a rift between them, as it won't end well.