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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating confusion

19 replies

VixenSixen · 04/04/2019 11:12

So I've been seeing a guy for a while now..... We met around Christmas time and hit it off really well. Effort is mutual, we get on really well, message every day, call once or twice a week, see each other when we can.... A week or so ago we had the "what is this talk".

Here's where I'm confused...... I asked how he saw this thing we had,. He said he struggled with depression and he does like me,. Isn't seeing anyone else but just isn't sure he can have a relationship right now as he's working through a lot of stuff. Which I totally get, I've experienced it myself and I know that unless you can give to yourself, you can't give to anyone else.

So I thanked him for sharing it with me and I was happy with things as they were, I just needed a bit of clarity about where things stood.

I know what he probably needs right now is a good friend and someone to spend time with, without the pressure of a new relationship.

His last relationship ended pretty badly and I sense he still has a bit of healing to do.

I value him as a friend and want nothing more than for him to get to a good place....

How do I keep a decent distance emotionally because I know if the opportunity presented itself, I'd want this to be more eventually.

Anybody with any good advice would help greatly x

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 11:14

You either give him his cake and let him eat it. Or you don't.

He's setting it up so that he can use you and you can't complain.

Hope you very politely, and quietly, tell him to pick someone else to disappoint.

Chocolateisfab · 04/04/2019 11:19

He intends to shag about and expects you to hang around while he does....

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 11:21

That. Yes. Please get rid of him before you have a post about how upset you are.

Original poster

VixenSixen · 04/04/2019 11:23

Thank you for the honest replies..... Sometimes it's hard to get a decent perspective on things when you're knee deep 😎

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 11:24

What are you going to do?

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2019 11:26

Sorry op, I think he is letting you down gently. He's not feeling it as you are.

Original poster

VixenSixen · 04/04/2019 11:34

OhioOhioOhio - take a monumental step back and invest my efforts elsewhere 😘. I kind of half knew but wanted to hear it from someone who wasn't going to sugar coat it (like friends & family do)

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 11:39

I like Bluntness's quote. It reminded me of my failed marriage.

Don't spell it out to him. He didn't bother spelling it out to you.

niceupthedanceagain · 04/04/2019 12:00

He's not too depressed to message you and have sex I suspect. Just doesn't want to give anything back.

Original poster

VixenSixen · 04/04/2019 12:07

So we do meet up quite a lot and do stuff where there is no sex involved.... There's been more of that type of meeting up than sex.

Like I said the effort is mutual, taking in turns to meet up as we live a distance from each other so he is making effort,. And has a genuine interest in me as a person....

It's just the wrong time for him. But This still makes him the wrong person for me because he's not prepared to be all in and I am.

Flipping complex all this dating malarkey.

OP posts:

Meadow1203 · 04/04/2019 12:09

To me it seems like early days but he does sound a bit flaky. I like blunt quote. At what stage are in life OP are you looking for something lone term? Do you have kids?

Robin2323 · 04/04/2019 12:18

If you weren't having sex I would probably say see how it goes. ....
But I agreed with the others.

Depressed, shy or otherwise when a mans into a woman you are fighting him off.

This one doesn't seem very enthusiastic.

Unless you want FWB you will get hurt.

partyanimalmummy · 04/04/2019 12:38

Hiya, I'm in a similar situation to you and also came on here previously for advice.

Admittedly I didn't take much of the advice and am still seeing the bloke. Mine is reluctant to put a label on our relationship for 'fear of being hurt'.

I'm happy with the way things are, we are exclusive, I do not believe he's using me, we have an amazing time together, we don't text but he rings me every day, spend about 3 nights a week together, we spend time with his friends and family together (I'm always at his because it's more convenient for us both with work and my family are 3 hours away), I'm going to a wedding with him next week, we both go abroad sepereatly with full trust in each other. The only thing that we don't have is 'being in a relationship' on Facebook.

What I'm saying to say is it's still early doors, there's no need to ditch him straight away. Maybe wait a while longer if everything other than the label is going well. I'll admit I worked myself up over it but having spoke to my closest friend about it made me feel so much better. He and her partner didn't become official until after 6 months, friends on Facebook after 12 months then official on there at about 18 months. They have been together 5 years and probably the strongest couple that I know and she is convinced that's because they didn't rush it.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 12:43

That means you are babysitting the relationship and his priorities. He and his needs are more equal than yours.

His best effort is what he's showing you now.

The strongest couple Ive known just separated.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 12:44

I know I sound mean but I did this. And the more you give the more they take.

Original poster

VixenSixen · 04/04/2019 13:18

@meadow1203 - I'm out of a LTR, almost 18m now but not wanting to leap headfirst into just anything. We're a similar age, he's a couple of yrs younger than me.

I agree with your points about flakiness, I don't really want to be hanging about to wait to see what happens and hold out for something happening.

All that said, I would prefer to be friends than nothing at all and I think we're capable of being that..... I'm not too Emotionally invested right now but just going to be explicitly clear that we are just friends and nothing more.

🌈

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/04/2019 13:42

My advice would be to date other men in addition to seeing this guy. Don't play the exclusivity card--he isn't ready for it and doesn't seem to want it.

bananapeanutbutterandtoast · 04/04/2019 22:29

I could have written this post! Same thing really.
He wanted to keep in touch and talk more. I said we both have enough friends so there is no point. I could see what would happen if we did. I felt he wanted to use me as some sort of counsellor almost rather than as a friend, with the obvious added bonus. I've come to realise he didn't actually listen to a lot of what I said when we were together.
Deleted his number. Looking back now the main feeling was relief. There are people out there who are much better for us than that so I would suggest move on. If in future he re-appears (and I can almost guarantee he will) you will have been getting on with your life- you can make a decision then as to whether or not you want to get into anything with him.

Dieu · 04/04/2019 22:44

If I had depression (have had before) and met my ideal match (wishful thinking!), I would move heaven and earth to be able to stay with them. If this involved counselling, then bring it on.
The only time I would pull the friendship card, is if I wasn't bothered one way or the other.
Sorry OP, but you sound lovely, and deserve better than this walking cliche .

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