I hate my mums partner

[Dvg]

Ill start by saying that i didn't always hate him, He was quite a lot younger than my mum when they got together but i thought that they had a lot in common, the issue came when she started growing older and more ill with an illness but he changed in a worse way (here are a few examples of how)

1.Smokes Weed ( my mum had quit smoking but now smokes again)

1. Used to exercise regularly but has now just become overweight and lazy.
2. Talks about the dreams they have/had but does nothing to support them happening whilst she ( an ill woman that is getting quite old) does everything she can to make it happen and yet he acts like he will do it but never seems to .
3. Doesn't seem to care about anything other than getting his Weed or his dog.

5.Is really dumb and quite deluded ( talks about moving to a certain country but doesn't realize he cant no matter how many times we tell him its impossible due to Visa requirements so he wont look towards a new dream) 6.Will move mountains to help other people but wont do the same for his own family.

1. Treats his own mum fairly bad ( never see's her unless my mum makes him and accepts money of his brother which is embarrassing)
2. Does some work but not much and every job he has he just moans about but wont go and just get a normal job.
3. Doesn't seem to understand that my mum is ill and not as young as him but he seems to remember when it comes to her babysitting her grandchildren and he mentions that she basically shouldn't.

10. Wants to go camping throughout the summer in a broken down campervan but doesn't seem to understand why my mum no longer likes doing that ( illness and age) but also wont get off his arse to help convert it so its just a broken down camper van now whilst he just says oh i can do that then never does it.

There are so many others and we have had a few spats here and there but that is a basic list.

Now i have let my mum just get on with it and allowed her to complain to me for a while now BUT me and my family are planning to move abroad soon ( within a year) but honestly i don't want him to come and i know he doesn't want to come. there are a few things that could happen:
He could either say no and then him and my mum would break up ( she wouldn't make me move alone)
Or he would just come anyway so he doesn't lose her but the thing is i really don't want him to move with .. he would make things sooo complicated.
I have told my mum that if they were to break up when i go that she could always live with me and my family for however long she wished.

My mum knows i have issues with him but doesn't know how much i hate him this much, it also makes me sad that i do because i really loved him, he was like a stepdad to me and i cared about him but it just changed a couple of years ago as he changed.

You say your mum is complaining about him, and I agree he does sound awful, but does she want to stay with him?

What are their ages? Are they both retired?

@PhannyPharts

She does complain about him yes all the time as she see's everything i do but im not 100% sure on what she is thinking because i know she loves him so finds it hard but at the same time im fed up with her seeing him for all his faults but not actually making it clear what she is planning to do ( has even said if he doesnt move with us that she is leaving him)

its hard knowing everyone's life including his would be easier if he moved on.

she is early 50's and he is late 30s and both work but not FT.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. I've been NC with my mother which has been assisted by her husband. They've been together for 24 years, but she left him numerous times as he was/is abusive. I've always had a rocky relationship with my mother as she's consistently chosen men over her children...I'm talking from when we were very little..to the point of neglect. I digress, she met my step-dad in her early 40s and he has slowly, but surely managed to isolate her over the years. She's now lost contact will all of her 3 children and 4 grandchildren. Ten years ago when we still had a fairly ok relationship I let her stay with me as she had left him, but she went back after a week. I implored her to get professional help and said I would help her, but it fell on deaf ears. Then she married him! Although I am NC with my mother now, if she contacted me to say she had left him and wanted to build bridges, I'd be willing to try. However whilst she is with him, she will never change. He is a very negative person who has lost connections with his own 5 children.

All you can do is just be there if anything happens in the future and give her support then.

He sounds like a tool and he also doesnt seem to understand she is older and not at the same stage of her life.

Which begs the question, why were together in the first place?

You put the blame at his door. But its not just him. Your mum chooses to smoke again. And did before him that's not his fault.

She knew the man she was settling with was much younger and she would age quicker. How long have they been together?

I am 37 and just dont understand people my age or older that get involved with much younger people then seem surprised that they dont age the same.

I dont really understand the living abroad thing? Are you expecting her to come without him?

That's up to her. I dont really think you can say 'you can come with us, but only if you split with your long term partner's

In short, they both hold some blame and you cant do anything.

all of you are exactly right, i did say to my partner that if she didn't move and chose him then i would go NC BUT she has said that she is definitely moving with us as we are her only family.

They have been together for 12 years.

I agree she has a lot to blame for and he is a tool who doesnt see she is aging but the thing is its not that he isnt aging as much as her that is the problem its that he has completely changed, he used to be ambitious and family orientated and more mature but now he is weed orientated and stressy and basically refuses to bother to learn to drive even though he wants to and does need too.

I have definitely decided to just wait and see what happens when i move but i just really hope it goes okay and sadly even if they break up i will still have a part of me that will be upset about it because i did love him but its just so bad now that i know it must happen for me to move happily and for my move to have the life she wants.

It's a bit chicken and egg.

She doesnt see him as family. While you are complaining he isnt family orientated.

It's just a negative cycle.

Let's be honest though. She was around the age he is now. She had the extra life experience and she genuinely thought he would be happy following 'her family' round the world. And babysitting 'her grandkids' in his late 30s

My kids are 8 and 15. Kids are getting more independent. I wouldn't want to be babysitting kids again at this age.

I just think, everything you are complaining about him, she has also done. Not considered age, presumed he would want to do things people near her age do etc.

Going NC if she doesnt move with you, is really off. You are essentially making her pick. And it's very likely you will end up with him there and then what?

I do not actually think your mother wants what you want for her. They are both responsible for the nature of this relationship being what it is.

Your mother dvg gets what she wants out of this relationship and that is also why she is with him. She is certainly with him for her own reasons and she is likely to be both codependent and his enabler.

I do not think your mother will at all move with you because she likely knows also that her man cannot or equally will not.

Your mum needs to make a choice about her future here. She is probably only still with him because she doesn’t want to be old and alone. Many people feel the same way. My mum married a man 6 years her junior and apart from the weed insert gross financial mismanagement. They were together for 22 years, married for 20 years. My mum was hard working and bought and paid for a property solely on her own. They divorced 2 years ago after his filadering came to light. I never liked him from the off as there were so many red flags but she was stupid and rushed into marriage with him. Tell your mum to get out whilst she still can. Find a companion who is on her wave length and maturity!

So do you want your mum to live with you or have her own house when you move?

Is she going to live with you for the rest of her life?

If so is every member of your family happy about it?