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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a horrible person for distancing myself?

2 replies

Notmyusualusername0 · 04/04/2019 10:33

I have had a friend for many years whom I have found myself pulling further and further away from in recent months/years. She has a number of mental and physical health conditions. I am finding it increasingly difficult to unpick what are genuinely diagnosed medical problems and what has been exaggerated/fabricated (I have been to medical appointments with her before and can definitely see that there is a big leap between what she views to be her diagnosed conditions and what her doctors think). I feel that she enjoys being miserable and does little to help herself. She frequently alludes to 'traumas' she has suffered in her past that I have no recollection of occurring at the time. I just feel that she lives in a world of fantasy where she is continually persecuted. Doctors never believe her and everyone in her life is abusive towards her. She expects me to have the same negative world view and constantly makes any small concerns I might have her own problem and tries to turn it into some life changing event. I feel terrible as she has small children to whom I feel I have some responsibility and we have been very close in the past. I have tried to minimise contact but for every message I send her, I get upwards of 40 or 50 attempts at contact. I feel that being honest with her may end in her doing something very dramatic (such as harming herself) and will also end in a smear campaign against me. She seems to have a lot of influence over many people who are taken in by her drama.

I sound like a really dreadful person, don't I? She needs support and I am just trying to abandon her.

OP posts:
SparklySneakers · 04/04/2019 10:49

I'd distance myself. Some people are very tiring and end up affecting your own mental health. It doesn't make you a bad person to have healthy boundaries. She sounds quite toxic especially if you are worrying about backlash. Yes, she's unwell but she has to take care of herself and rely less on you.
Personally I would start by being less available, not answering messages or calls as quickly as normal and being busier than normal. Gradually build up.
I've straight out deleted people from my life once I saw how toxic they were. One friend was bipolar and I'd supported her for 20 years. We live far apart but I was always there at the end of the phone. In the end I got fed up of wondering if she'd hurt herself or trying to get her to help herself. It seems she was "happy" in her misery as admitted she knew what she needed to do to improve her life but didn't want to do it. The crunch came when I needed support over a relationship when a pregnant single mum and she said "oh ffs not this again!" I'd been upset on and off for a couple of months. She'd had my support for 2 decades. I was really pissed off and just didn't reply and haven't contacted her since. She's not been in touch with me either and it's been about 5 years now. Shows how much she valued my support and friendship.
I've no time for toxic people now. Turning 40 was a real turning point for me in no longer being willing to put myself out for those who did not return the favour.
Good luck and remember you are entitled to healthy boundaries. Thanks

SparklySneakers · 04/04/2019 10:50

Oh, and you are in no way responsible for her! Thanks

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