Young son missing his father

[JustmeandtheKIDS2]

What do you do when your young child is missing his father? We are divorced and unfortunately he continues to be abusive so suggesting calling him isn't an option.

Iv offered a photo which he wants, but he keeps on saying i just want you to get back together, we have been separated for 2 years now!! He seems to be struggling quite a bit at the moment. When hes at his fathers he misses me (According to my son) and when hes at mine he misses his father. Im wondering if it may also to be with the fact he had no contact with his father for a month until a few weeks ago. Feel so totally bad for him, wish i could make it all better.

any suggestions??

I suggest all you have to do is tell your son the truth, in age appropriate terms, from now until forever. He is the victim of your and his father’s decisions, and if you hide your accountability of the story of how you arrived here, it will impair his ability to navigate life and make good life decisions when he needs to. The process of telling the truth may be painful and take courage, which you will find on your journey through self-knowledge. Honesty and owning your decisions (e.g. choosing his father) will be the best thing for your son and your relationship with him in the long-term, and both of your relationships with others. It will not be the easiest choice, but you will not regret it.

Thank you for your message i appreciate it. I think regardless of what has gone on you keep things neutral. Hes too young to understand. Also his father is manipulative so will deliberately tell a different story which is even more confusing for him. I told him that daddy didnt want to live with mummy any more, his father told him the opposite, this hurt both the children, his version was clearly not true.
Things are beyond hideous between us hes totally vial to me and his need to punish me effects the children, negatively. I try not to say anything negative towards him. Itd hard but i do manage it. Ss and police have been involved because of his behaviour. This is thw kind of person im dealing with.

Can you change your story a bit? ‘Mummy and daddy make each other sad, so we don’t live together any more. I want our home to be a happy place not a sad place, as it isn’t nice to be sad. Mummy and daddy both love you very much’?

If you can find a way for your XH to be in contact with your children when they ask for him, that might be helpful. It wouldn’t feel like he had disappeared so much then. If he is prepared to answer a FaceTime call or similar, there is no reason for you to be in the picture at all, just hold it up for the children.

Solasum

Thank you, but thats not going to to happen as my ex is suppose to speak to the children mid week (court ordered) but hes not interested. Our relationship is very very unhealthy due to his problem with control and him being abusive. He has said that he does not wish to "work with me" regarding the children. How ever i support my son will not involve him.

I have told him i will get a photo of his father for his bedroom. I have also told him honestly that we will never get back together again! The whole situation is not helped by the fact that he wont speak to me or work with me for whats in the best interest of the children.