Bad patch

[Jenprston]

My OH has been distant for nearly 2 weeks and I've been so paranoid that I finally asked him is he done and really shocked me when he said he was unsure. We've been together 12 years and have always been solid however the last few years have gotten crazy with kids and him working I'm a sahm. I will be the first to admit I've made no effort my whole day revoles around the kids we don't do anything together but I was constantly thinking of the future. I.e when the kids are older we can have us time then never thinking of the here and now. I don't know where I stand at them min I've spent all day bursting in to tears I'm absolutely heartbroken at the idea of him leaving me it's the last thing I want he's my one and only. But I also know I might have let this gone on to long he says he still loves me but his head is a mess and as is mine. I just wanted to rant on here 😭 I've got no social circle to turn to only my sisters and mum but they have there own life and would be biased and probably would put worse ideas in my head when I really do know this is my fault he tried all the time with me and I was forever brushing him off and now I'm paying the price I just want to rewind a few months I am so scared hes going to go 😥

I really do know this is my fault he tried all the time with me and I was forever brushing him off and now I'm paying the price I just want to rewind a few months I am so scared hes going to go

I wouldn't accept that it's all your fault without a bit more information to be honest. How many DC do you have (and how old are they?)

Does he do his fair share of parenting/housework? If he's left it all to you, I"m not surprised you 'brushed him off'.

How do you brush him off? Does he suggest spending quality time together? Or are you just knackered from running around after the kids all day?

Could you turn over a new leaf and make plans for regular date nights? Or do you think he's met someone else?

Is he open to things changing and ye working on things? I have had many friends go through similar and some come out the other end ok, with some counselling and both parties making a good conscious effort to work on the relationship and share the household duties and minding of kids.

We have 3 DC together and I have one from a previous ages 14 11 10 and 7 and he does help with the kids he's fantastic he also does housework. I don't believe anyone else's is involved I have access to all his accounts he's not protective of his phone and he suggests doing things all the time even if it's just to walk the dog. But my response is always I can't be bothered or I need to get this done. I never even realised I was doing it it just became the normal I've told him I'm willing to try anything and he finally said he would try last night but it just didn't seem as though his heart was in it. I've told him I don't want him to stay just for the sake of the kids I refuse to be in that relationship. Ive also said he could go stay with his mum for a while just so he can go think about what he really wants without any pressure from me because it's like walking on eggshells shells around him at the minute. But I've said I won't wait around forever I won't be sat here for weeks on end wondering if he's staying or going he needs to make a decision because as much as love him I won't stay with someone just because it's what they know and I'm the safety net. I hope we can work this out but my gut is telling me this might be it and it's the most terrifying and heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through. I'm trying my best to not get emotional when the kids are around but my emotions are all over the place at the minute. If he does decide to go I will be ok I will get through it I'm just hoping he doesn't. When he gets home tonight im hoping he's made his choice because it's like living in limbo at moment .

Such a sad situation. For both of you.

Take care around accepting all the blame for this yourself. He is equally responsible for raising issues and prompting a discussion around anything that is bothering him.

If you've been preoccupied and he hasn't flagged anything....then he's not exactly blameless.

Saying that though....if you've been dismissive of him..... then I am afraid he will feel neglected, unloved, unattractive and that he isn't getting much back in return for keeping you and the children. With him feeling like this at home, he's vulnerable to accepting what's missing from someone else.

Agree with the above......try and convince him you will turn over a new leaf. Him saying he doesn't know how he feels about the relationship may just be a cry for your attention, love, affection etc x

Just a thought....rather than him coming home to, "what's your decision then??"
You could try reverting back to how you treated him on arrival prior to the issues xx
I hate the saying, "actions speak louder than words"....it grates on me for some reason.....but I can see how this could apply to your situation.

He might just be sulking through lack of affection/attention....and may be just dragging this out a bit (I get this from him telling you he will try but still behaving sulky....which you have interpreted as his heart not being in it).........he might just need some eye contact, a huge smile, a long hug, a kiss, to be asked how his day went, a conversation, to feel desired, to be told you love him, to be taken care of xx

So you've neglected him for years and he's been distant for a few weeks and you can't cope with that? I would sit him down and apologise and talk it through and come up with a plan to spend regular time together just the two of you and see what happens. He may have had enough but it's worth a try but you have to be as patient as he has been with you.

How did it go op?

Maybe this is the wake up call you needed to start putting effort back into your relationship but don’t be too hard on yourself. You telling him to go to his mums to think and that you won’t wait around forever does sound like you are pushing him away a little. I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him you really want to make things work and figure out some changes you can both make. You can get things back on track ;)