Rape?

[Fightingdoubts]

I have been making amends with the past the last few years and going through missteps one by one to help me regain my confidence. I met my biological parents, I'm adopted, and that was a shit show. Its over now. Perhaps connected I chose a string of terrible dominant boyfriends bar one. During the last years life has been tough and I kept getting fragments of a memory of a guy I dated in my twenties who used me for sex; I was young and needed the validation. One time as we were about to leave for a date he grabbed me and started to call me things and put himself Inside me. I remember not wanting it anymore and I think I remember saying not now, I just got changed etc...I fluctuate on whether that is rape but I kept getting memories of being squashed up against the wall uncomfortably and wanting him to get off. I felt bold yesterday and sent him a message telling him I think he raped me. Now that I have done that I feel awful and the memory is fading. I have sat around for two days trying to invoke it sequence for sequence to reassure myself but its fading more and more.

It was rape, but these days there is (thankfully) a much better understanding of what constitutes rape. I'm so sorry

Yes, that's rape.

I'm sorry you went through that. Did he reply?

When I look back to the early years of being sexually active in the 80's I don't know anyone who didn't go through similar things. It's not right but it was common place and I think that often both men and women didn't know it was wrong. I don't actually think this is definitely rape. You cant remember if you said No but you think you may have said Not now.....I think men tended to take for granted that unless a woman explicitly said the word No, it was fair game to keep trying ( appalling as that is)
If this same scenario happened nowadays I think that both males and females are educated enough to know about what actually constitutes consent.

I agree troubleswillbeoutofsight this happened to me a few times in my twenties (im now only 30) its happened to all my friends aswell, I think this has happened to alot of women at some point.

What made you message him op? are you still in contact? did he respond?

I'm so sorry you went through that.

I think it was rape, and if it happened now it would fall under coercive control - the fact that he used you and conditioned you to let him have sex with you whenever he wanted.

Can I ask - do you want to prosecute him? Have him admit it? Or to fully remember so you can come to terms with what happened? Because different things may help depending on the outcome you're looking for.

Can you write what you remember? If you get different flashes, it probably isn't in chronological order and that's not unusual, but if you write down all the flashes / memories you have, you may be able to piece it together.

Have you had any counselling? If not, maybe call rape crisis if you can. To them, how you want to technically refer to it doesn't matter. They are trained to help you deal with a sexual encounter that was traumatic for you 💐

No-one here will be able to tell you. Even your own memory is hazy. Did you continue seeing him after that? I've no idea how you still have his number after all this time, but I'm not sure dredging this up now, will do you any good. Look forwards, not backwards.

Things are difference these days.

Thank goodness.

I can remember getting guilted into having sex when very young on one occasion.

Afterwards I thought WTF.
Never saw him again.

Contact let's talk well-being. NHS

They are excellent and helped me accepted I'd been abused.

If it happened now I'd just laugh in their face just before I kicked them out the door.

You deserved better - we all did.

Our understanding of what is acceptable has changed. Most of us 40+ have incidents from our teens/early 20's that are at least borderline, talking with friends there's some real horror stories but we did vaguely consent, though today it would be considered coercion

Thank you for the support. I guess there are legal definitions for such things. I waver but I tend to be kinder when I hear the stories of others and when I hear that the woman is still accepting sex eventhough she has stated she doesnt want it now or at all, its against her will and if its against her will it cant be right. And yes sure I have had a lot of experiences where I cannot say i was really into it but this one stands out to me as someone who was suddenly inside me. I dont think there was even time for consent. Anyway the reason I contacted him. Well I have had a lot of therapy and over and over I see how I feel that these experiences and others have diminished my sense of self or feeling my own power or control in the world. I have confronted others as mentioned in original thread and its had a healing effect. I also have a great person in my life now who gets tainted with the bad men perception I have built up over the years and so I feel I need to deal with this stuff so I dont take it out on him. I dont wish to have a conversation or an apology with the ex but I dont like that I have had to internalise this for so long. I want to give it back to him and move on. I have also blocked him from all social media so there is no real chance of a reply. This guy btw cheated on me multiple times and also used to tell me to shut up cos I'd make him look stupid around his friends. He was a grade A asshole and left a very large scar.

I don't think it would meet the legal definition of rape, but nonetheless it wasn't very chivalrous behaviour.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/RapeinEnglish_law

@AverageMan - I'd have a read of that if you don't think this was rape 🤨

todayiwin I think then that I don't know a single female in their 40's and older who hasn't been 'raped'.

Thanks todayIwin! The link misses an underscore I think

I read it and am unsure on this section:
A does not reasonably believe that B consents.

So he would have to know that I am not up for it in order for it to be classed as rape. I think he knew in that moment. he did not go all the way. I did finally get him off.

As for the words you have chosen average man. I feel that 'not exactly chivalrous' is a clumsy turn of phrase and makes me wonder if you get how hard this stuff really is for a woman.

I am not clinging to the word rape btw but I have wanted clarity for some time. I wrote to him on messenger. I dont have his number, deleted it soon after a chaotic parting. We are not friends and its in his filtered messages so the chance he will see it seems low...

He has to be aware of a lack of consent for it to be rape. It's a very serious charge to be levelling at someone, so I wouldn't throw it around lightly.

He has to be aware of a lack of consent for it to be rape. It's a very serious charge to be levelling at someone, so I wouldn't throw it around lightly.
Agreed.

So the burden of proof is where exactly? I express myself that i'm not up for it, be that a no, or not now etc... but as long as he can claim he was not aware, it's fair game? I don't like where this theard is going.

You accuse someone of raping you, but you don't like where this thread is going? If he's such an asshole who cheated on you and disrespected you, I don't think he's going to acknowledge any wrongdoing.

averageman you need to get off this thread. You are not helping me. You are hlping yourself. This thread is about me and support for me. None of your comments have been factual or helpful. They are laced with guilt and emotional blackmail. Yes I accused a man of raping me because I think that he raped me. Thats how this works. I have not pressed charges nor will I.

And please pay attention if you want to have strong views. i have stated above clearly I wish for no acknowledgement nor contact. I no longer wish to internalise the pain he caused.

I think the key phrase here is "I remember not wanting it anymore"

Which indicates you didwant it to happen at the start but changed your mind. It's the word "anymore". So the key question is when you changed your mind, did he stop. It would appear so, although you don't elaborate on how long it was from you changing your mind to him doing so, and what made him stop ie a physical struggle or not.

It's not rape when you "want it" for want of a better phrase. It's rape if you change your mind and he doesn't stop, so I guess it's the bit from you changing your mind to him stopping that you're questioning.

Okay I see the confusion. No I mean I did not want sex with him anymore in general. he was not inside me at that time. he was trying it on. I remember saying we were late and I just got changed. So not now please. A meek way of declining. Then I got some comments abot my short skirt, got turned around, endured what i didnt want and finally got him off. thats more or less it.

I think the reality is that we all have things that we have had to come to terms with and where we don't always reach a comfortable level of understanding. Whatever happened has clearly upset you. No one can dispute your feelings.
However I wasn't confused by your original post. It says he grabbed me and started to call me things and put himself Inside me. I remember not wanting it anymore and I think I remember saying not now, I just got changed etc... You say later it was a meek way of declining'. I think many of us have been there particularly in our youth so I get it. I can certainly remember having sex I didn't particularly want as did many females I know. I maybe wouldn't have said the word 'No' and maybe just got it over with. I think women need to be clear and men need to actually hear what we are saying.