Learning to trust after divorce / end of long term relationship..

[MissBee90]

Just that really, any stories or advice on how you managed to do it? Or is quite simply just the case of time and someone proving themselves to you?

I’ve recently met someone new, who so far seems lovely, he really does make me smile from ear to ear, we’re taking things slow as he knows everything that’s happened, he’s given me zero reason to doubt him but part of me is petrified he’s going to hurt me and thinks it’s easier to just stay on my own (I hate the thought of this and removing him from my life before I’ve even given him a chance but I guess it’s fear)

I was with my ex husband for 11 years (only married a year) and we’ve been separated just coming up to a year, the divorce is due to finalise in a few weeks. He quite simply got in bed with me one night and told me he didn’t love me anymore and that was it.. I’ve since found out about so many lies he had told me (about money / work / gambling) and I’ve always thought I was a pretty good judge of character and really did believe my ex husband was a good man ... so this all really knocked me and has made me doubt my own ability to be able to tell if someone is telling the truth... I’m 28 and have no children so just myself to think about really, wonderful friends and an amazing family ... I trust them all and as a person I’m generally quite trusting but my ex has just destroyed my ability to trust a new man.

Thankfully I have a good job which I love and was able to buy my ex out the house we shared, I put the deposit down when we bought it 6 years ago but as we were married and it was in in joint names he was entitled to half the equity which was over £50,000 ... so I guess although I can’t imagine owning a property with anyone again right now... this has burnt me too and I can’t imagine ever putting myself at risk again.

Sorry, I’ve waffled on and I really don’t know what I’m expecting people to say but just needed to write this down and perhaps a few people may have some advise to help me. I know people may say it’s too soon (I’ve had counselling to help with the break up and I’m in a good place mentally, I realise now my ex and I were not meant to be together) and believe me I didn’t plan on meeting anyone, I was so set on being on my own but it just kinda happened and now I’m here ....

Thank you in advance xx

I'd trust your instincts and take it really, really slow.
I'd also watch out for any signs of love bombing, wanting to move in with you too soon and I'd listen very carefully to his stories of his past relationships - with an ear to any 'victim blaming' or 'poor me', stories.
A big red flag in my opinion.
I'd also make sure that I spent at least four or five days/nights of the week doing my own thing, seeing my friends, indulging in 'me,' time and not 'us, 'time. And monitor any attempts to control this very carefully.
And I'd think very carefully too about wanting another full on relationship right now.
You need time to heal OP.
You have been treated abominably by someone who was supposed to love, honour and cherish you.
Have fun with the new guy OP, but put some boundaries in place to protect yourself and tell yourself and him, that this time next year, you'll think about a future together.

@pallasathena Thank you for your reply, I agree with everything you’ve said.. so far there’s no love bombing and no nasty words about ex’s and just like you said I do spend 5 nights a week solo or with friends and family or doing hobbies. Slow and steady is exactly what I want and need. Thank you again xx