My partner has pushed me away

[Rhigerald]

Hi everyone, I'm very new to this but really need someone to talk to as I feel so alone.

My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years and we both loved every minute we spent together. He was a bit distant 2 weeks ago, then invited me round to talk. He told me that he needed some space to sort his head out and assured me that I had done nothing wrong, he just didn't want to bring me down with him.

Both of his parents passed away before I knew him, and he was only 21 at the time. He has told me he has seen/spoken to someone who has told him he hasn't properly grieved the loss of his parents.

The way he is acting really isn't like him at all and I feel like he's lost himself.

I have seen him briefly a few times since we broke up, but we are friends with the same people and go to the same pub to meet up with our friends. Over the weekend we were both there and didn't really speak apart from me asking how he was.

I feel like he is pushing me away because he doesn't want to bring me down with him, however I feel like this is the worst thing for him to do as he doesn't have anyone else. I was the closest person to him and knew him better than anyone else.

I'm finding it really hard to process everything as he told me he still loved me and still wanted to be best friends, he just needed some time to sort himself out. I really want to help him, but I don't know how. I haven't messaged him or spoken to him since I saw him at the weekend. I know that he needs me and I am worried that he is not eating as we used to do the food shop together and he is not capable of doing it himself - however stupid that may seem!

All of his friends have said what a mistake he has made and don't understand why he is being like this.

Can anyone shed some light on the situation? It is making me ill with stress and worry and i'm finding it hard to eat, the smell of food is making me nauseous and i'm very tired.

Unfortunately all you can do is respect his choice. You can't force this, all your time right now is taken with thinking of him.
I can't imagine how you are feeling but throw yourself in to other activites and start your healing process. Easier said than done. It sounds like he is trying to do right by you based on how he feels and he may come back to you. Sorry I have nothing else but time will help this situation. X

It sounds like he has ended the relationship. Sorry OP. He’s tried to soften the blow with ‘still love you, best friends’. Who knows why his feelings have changed but they have. You need to focus on being very kind to yourself now, making sure you reach out to friends and family - it’s a huge change for you.

If he hasn’t starved to death in the past two weeks you can be sure he doesn’t need you to acquire food. And whether he eats healthily or not is no longer your concern now.

I hope you eat healthily and stay well - use your nurturing nature to support yourself through this painful time.

A lot of us have been there, whether it is a partner, friend or family member. It is difficult and hard to have someone tell you that they want space. But you must respect his decision. He may well have to deal with unresolved grief but that doesn’t mean he is unable or incapable to make his own decisions. He has.

You are not his doctor, nurse, therapist, social worker or carer. There is nothing in your post that indicates he needs any of these things in the slightest.

The issue for you is you. At the moment and understandably you haven’t let go. But you need to start that process. Get busy and active with your own life.

Oh and next time you have a boyfriend who can’t do a shop, show him how. Don’t do it for him. He will learn or starve. He won’t starve.

Really sorry OP but he has dumped you. In a very cowardly way. He’s tried to soften the blow by framing it as him just needing time and space for his own mental health, when in reality it’d have been kinder to have decisively pulled the plug and told you it’s over between the two of you. As it stands he’s left you in a middle ground and it’s gonna be down to you alone to come to terms with the fact that it’s finished and start to move on.

If he’s able to go to the pub with friends and socialise he’d be able to socialise with you as his gf if he wanted to. You won’t necessaeily get a definitive answer as to why his feelings have fizzled but they have and there’s no going back from this, so pick up your self respect and acknowledge to yourself it’s over and do whatever you have to do to start to grieve and heal. I suspect spending time with him might not be the best idea for you right now as you seem to be a bit in denial and seeing him will probably just lead to more heartache.

You sound like you’ve mothered him a bit btw, saying he doesn’t know how to food shop, that he needs you... with the greatest care OP he doesn’t need you cos he’s actively chosen to push you away. He is the best judge of what he needs and he’s decided he needs to be alone romantically. He’ll survive. You need to think about you now.

I feel like he is pushing me away because he doesn't want to bring me down with him, however I feel like this is the worst thing for him to do as he doesn't have anyone else

I have seen him briefly a few times since we broke up, but we are friends with the same people and go to the same pub to meet up with our friends.

All of his friends have said what a mistake he has made and don't understand why he is being like this.

He does have other people OP. You’ve said yourself he has friends. Multiple friends, close enough to go and hang out with regularly and to have an opinion on his relationship.

Is this your first serious relationship? It sounds like you feel a bit as though you’re trying to rescue him (poor him, lost both parents, you know him better than anyone, he can’t food shop without you etc). The reason I ask if it’s your first is you might want to have a good think before embarking on any other relationships as to why you’ve fit into the mother/rescuer role with this guy, it’s not helpful for you or him or conducive to a healthy relationship. And if you’ve had relationships before maybe there’s a pattern you can see.

After three years you haven’t moved in or made any sort of commitment beyond being boyfriend and girlfriend which sounds like you’re both young perhaps. Were there any plans for the future such as living together or marrying or anything like that?

I know it’s painful (trust me... I know). At the time it feels like your world is collapsing. But in time you’ll look back and see it for what it is: you had a good few years dating enjoying each other’s company and can part ways without the hassle of moving house or divorce or kids being involved, and hopefully learn lessons you can take forwards into your future relationships.

But to do that you have to let go. Which I don’t expect you to do just yet as you’re still in denial/shock. That’s natural and it will pass.

There’s a definite whiff about the parent child relationship between you and your Ex and that dynamic isn’t a particularly healthy one.

You do not get a say in how he chooses to deal with his issues and the tighter you try to hold onto him, the more likely he is going to pull away.