Thoughts on this please? (Childhood memory)

[springclouds]

When I was 3 my mother "had to" let me burn myself on the iron because I wouldn't leave it alone.

I remember this and she has told me about it. I remember it vaguely in that I remember hurting myself, I don't remember any details.

Now I have children and currently have a 3 year old - I just can't get my head round it... Why would a 3 year old be at the iron and why would you be willing to let your 3 year old be burnt by it?

Please help me make sense of this, would you regard it as abusive?

Did you touch the iron again? Probs not. That was how they did things back then. My mum would have probably done the same, but I didn't touch irons. I did however bite & I'm fairly sure she bit me & slapped me on the bite & I didn't do it again. Different world now.

It's all about context. Was there other things that are concerning in how you were raised or was this a one off poor judgement.

I think it is very much of that generation- not something I would do but definitely something I could hear my mum or aunts saying

That sounds a bit off op, even to me brought up
In the 70s.
I guess it was a shit parenting decision made by an under resourced mum. Her better alternative would have been to put te iron away and use it after your bedtime, some people are shit at problem solving.
What was the rest of your childhood like?

To be honest my DC was OBSESSED with my hair straighteners. I spent everyday saying don't touch, hot, very hot, stop. One day he plugged them in and touched them, I never had to say don't touch again.

All in context OP, don't sweat

I am assuming your DM didn't intentionally make you use the iron, more like tell you not to touch it and then [while distracted] you did?
I did the same when I was about 8. My DM was ironing and then went to answer the door. I had been told not to touch the iron. However, I thought I would help with the ironing and ended up burning the inside of my wrist on it! I learnt !!!

I'm guessing that if you're asking then you've reason to believe the treatment was abusive and not in isolation?

In isolation, it was the time of washing mouths out with soap and biting kids who bit- as per the previous poster. Not right, not what everyone did, but certainly wasn't uncommon.

Thank you all for your thoughts I appreciate it as I am nc with her now and I cannot view any childhood memory in an objective way.

3 years ago I had a kind of emotional breakdown when I cut off all contact with her and even now the thought of her terrifies me. It's confusing as I don't remember being scared of her as a child but I have such a deep fear of her now I can't even think about her. Which is why I keep analysing the things I do remember.

This event was in the context of a very poor mother child relationship where she describes me as having been a horrible child and sounds like she actively resented me.

There are lots of similar stories of her letting me feel the consequences of my actions although not as severe as letting me burn myself - eg at age 2/3/4 not wearing coat or gloves in snow til I ended up sore and crying.

She was extremely emotionally rejecting and was basically a child who always came first, I barely existed. Everything was always about her.

As an adult we've had a very difficult relationship where she pretends to be loving but then takes all opportunities to subtly stab me in the back when she can get away with it. I've been badly let down by her a number of times and she's shown me time and time again she doesn't like me let alone love me.

My extreme reaction now of feeling unable to even see her at all and terrified of the very thought of her makes me wonder why I have such an extreme reaction to her.

She really lacks empathy, to anyone, not just me, so all I can think is that she was just a terrifying parent for a tiny child who was wholly dependent on her and it's buried itself very deep.

Now I have just become a parent myself I am thinking about this more and more...

She was a shot parent- immature and petulant and punishing .. letting you seriously hurt yourself rather than finding a more constructive way of teaching you about danger.

Instead that's quite .. malicious, is the best word I can think of (but not quite right).

Telling a child they're a horrible child ... No.

Most kids can be challenging at times, as a parent you have to have a bit of perspective, maturity(as you say empathy) etc. Sounds like she didn't have much or any .. maybe she has a personality disorder.

*shit!

She's actually so shit she's verging on abusive (some might say was abusive).

I think she only partly let you burn yourself as a lesson, I think she maliciously wanted you to hurt yourself/be hurt. She's not quite right in the head. It's a good thing you're bi contact, she sounds nearly as bad as a mother (use that word loosely) to an adult as a child.

It's 100,% natural for you to be thinking about this a lot (with even more realisation) now that you're parenting and in scenarios yourself.

*no contact

*similar scenarios

She sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
A lot of what you said resonates with me.
I am also NC with my M after abuse.
Becoming a mother myself has brought a huge amount to the fore.... I can’t believe that my M did the things she did when I was a child, I can’t comprehend behaving that way to mine.

What a vile toxic woman. No wonder you're anxious about that. Allowing a toddler to burn themselves is not teaching them a lesson, it goes against any normal maternal protective feelings regardless of your generation. And everything else you say points towards her being narcissistic.

Moralitym1n1 thank you so much for taking the time to post, what you've said really resonates with me.
She is/was malicious that's a good word and I sort of disappeared inside my own head as a child and relied only on myself.

Bipbopbee - I'm sorry you had a bad mother too:-(. I think having children of your own can make you realise how wrong some of your own parents behaviour was. Whenever I do the ironing I think I could never deliberately let my child burn themselves:-(.

Musti - that is so true, she has never had a normal protective feeling towards me, not as a child or as an adult. She was just never touched by my pain whether physical or emotional. She is definitely extremely low, if not completely missing, in empathy.

Fuck no, that’s not ‘just the way it was’. My siblings and dh and his siblings are all 70s/early 80s kids there is no way our mums would have done that. You try to stop your child being hurt. End of.

* I sort of disappeared inside my own head as a child and relied only on myself.*

Springcloud. Yep this was me.

I’m so sorry.
Counselling has helped me massively as I was very manipulated and gaslighted.

Is this something that you think could help you?

Now I have just become a parent myself I am thinking about this more and more...

When my first DC was born all sorts of memories of my early childhood resurfaced, vivid and sharp. It was a strange but enlightening experience.

You don't actually forget those things, your brain stores them until they come in useful. You now know your fear of DM is entirely rational.

This memory is your subconscious popping up to remind you that your mother is not a kind person and that you should never leave your DC alone with her.

bipbopbee
I'm glad counselling has helped you:-).
I did a course of counselling when I first cut contact and it did really help to find my way through the quagmire and make sense of everything.

I feel I was gaslighted my whole life as my parents said they loved me but showed me the opposite. They could act loving but then never actually behaved like they loved me iyswim. It was a headf**k! She was remarkably open about the way she disliked me as a small child and she normalised her behaviour so it took me a long time to understand my relationship with her and why I always hated being anywhere near her.

Since I cut contact only my father has tried to make contact but all he has done is gaslight me again and again and doesn't want to hear what I have to say.

Didiusfalco thank you, it helps to hear that.

From what you said about context she does sound abusive, setting you up to fail, part of a pattern of a lack of empathy towards you.

My father's mum sounds like your mum- everything was about her, I think that she was psychopathic though it's not easy to diagnose now years later. There are many similar stories he has of growing up.
I think going NC you are doing the right thing, as an adult until my Grandmother's death their relationship never improved, in fact, he still has nightmares about her, he is in his 80's!