Please help me get through this (mentions sexual abuse)

[Theninjawhinger]

I don’t know where to begin, or what I need, but I’m all shakey and am trying to stop that fight of flight response thing.

I have tried writing this so many ways but it’s so outing and I don’t want real life people to know. There is so much more to this than what’s below.

I was sexually abused as a child for many years, alongside another child. We are now both adults but have never got along and haven’t seen each other since I was pregnant and she told me I was going to ruin my child’s life like I had ruined my own. I can’t separate her from the abuse that happened, I hate her yet know it’s not her fault, and suspect she feels the same about me. We have behaved terribly to each other in the past, and the thought of her makes me feel physically sick. I can’t separate her from the abuse in my head.

This person hasn’t been in my life for 7 years but due to serious family illness, my mum is going to see her tomorrow and I feel like we are opening Pandora’s Box again.

I just don’t want this. I don’t know how to cope worh whats about to happen happen and I want to run away.

Equally, I feel so awful for feeling this way. We are about to blow apart her world with the family member news, in terms of the illness and it’s effects (terminal diagnosis in a young person) what I am feeling is small fry. I feel guilty for making this about me, when it’s not even on the radar of being relevant.

I can’t breath and I want to run away, but I’m trapped and I feel like I’ve slipped back 25 years and am in the same situation with stuff happening around me that I just have to get through.

How do I accept this person is back into our lives? I feel like I’m about to lose everything and I don’t know how to protect myself and my son.

Is there any one there? I’ve just got myself some whiskey. I don’t know how to make this feel better and I don’t have any sleeping tablets. I just want to feel numb.

Didn't want to read and run though am unable to offer any worthwhile advice. Do you have anyone with you you can talk to? Have you ever disclosed the abuse? You poor thing

I disclosed it at the time and was sent to boarding school. The other girl then disclosed it and the abuse was stopped.

My parents knew at the time. I had a breakdown when I was at uni as the person who abused me found me again, and another breakdown mid 20s.

It’s taken so much to rebuild my life. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this again.

Oh bless you. Have you ever told anyone about what happened to you? Have you had counselling? If not, then you should try some sessions.

Do you have to have any contact with her? I know that your mum is going to see her, but maybe it's best if you don't see her as that will trigger stuff that you don't want to feel.

Just cross posted.

I'd avoid any direct contact with her, it's going to be too painful for you.

Sorry, we cross posted. Thank you so, so much for talking to me. I don’t feel I can tell people in real life, i am a different version of me now to how I was back then, I don’t want the ‘old me’ being a part of now, if that makes sense?

I have had years of psychotherapy. I am sort of okay with the abuse ironically, my issues are around my parents knowing and not protecting me but protecting the other girl, and the other girl. Which is probably why my mum seeing her tomorrow feels like I’m being kicked all over. It’s sort of combining everything in 1!

OP, you have every right to feel how you feel, including about the other girl. And you have every right to do what you feel you need to do to protect yourself and your son now, without having to defend yourself for doing so.

Do you really have to have her in your life in any way?

I wonder if you are displacing on to her some of the anger that you might otherwise feel towards your parents?

I Feel selfish. When the abuse was going on, I was always told I was a drama queen and it feels like that again now - that by feeling so fucked, I am making a drama of it.

I am living with my mum and the person terminally ill at the moment so I csnt avoid the other girl if they bring her back into their lives.

In the past therapists have said I should cut my mum off, but I just don’t feel ready. She’s my only family and I don’t think I’m strong enough.

And yes, I really am projecting my feelings on to her - she does the same. We have both had a lot of therapy over the years and whilst we can recognise our behaviour on an intellectual level - in reality we just revert back to it.

My mum sort of chose her at the time - she believed her not me, she sent me away and sent the abuser away to save her. She did this up until I was pregnant and I said I was walking away - that I had had enough and I had to put myself first. The other girl hasn’t seen us since then, so my mum getting back in touch worh her (and she has too) feels like I’m losing her again.

The family member who’s dying needs her though, so how fucked up am I worrying about this other stuff? I feel incredibly selfish, and wrong, but I also want to run away and leave this all behind and just not have to feel what I am. I have to hold it together for my son. I can’t have my son anywhere near this girl, I don’t trust her not to hurt him to get to me. I just feel so fucking scared x

Sorry. I’m not making sense.

I was sent away to boarding school when I disclosed the full abuse (my parents knew incidents before this as they had witnessed me being beaten up and things)

The other girl disclosed the same abuse and the abuser was removed.

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any advice except to say,, you must do what is right for you. Your well-being is really important here. I know you say you don’t really want to to talk to anyone who is currently in your life as you have put it all behind you, but what’s happening now shows that the lines are blurred. Is there a friend or family member you can enlist to support you? Or have you thought about talking to the Samaritans, they are always there to listen without prejudice. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone x

Bless you, it's clear you're in a right old state this evening, which is totally understandable. I don't really have any useful advice, just wanted to say that you much remember you are your own person, you make your own choices now and that you don't have to have a relationship with ANYONE if it will be to your detriment to do so, even if other people may be hurt or affected. Put yourself first and trust your self awareness and instinct.

Did the treatment of the other person look favourable, only because they believed them, as you had already told them about your experiences?

I don't know your situation, but I experienced some abuse as a child. But in a way I kept going back to my parents, as I felt they should be the people that had my back, the ones to fall back on and love me unconditionally. This wasn't the case in reality. I am a much better person since living my own life, not living with them. I do still see them but they don't control me.

It's really hard to have the confidence to push through and break away, but it's better. I made my life harder moving away to make it better in the long run. You have to think of yourself here and your child. If you don't want to see this person don't get involved.

I don't have advice but wanted to say that you're not selfish at all. You've been through hell with no support. You're not wrong to feel the way you do. Look after yourself, you matter.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice however I could not read and not comment, first of all I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through sounds awful and very confusing. I don't particularly know what to advice however know that you are not selfish and you are strong to come as far as you have now xx

I can’t sleep - thank you all so much for replying. I know there is no advice particularly that people can give - it’s not exactly a common situation!

I’ve just texted my mum to ask if she is going to see her once and tell her, or continue to see her, as I think that’s the crux of it for me.

I don’t know what my actions should be or can be particularly off the back of that, but at least by asking the question I will know where I stand.

Going to try get some sleep now, my little boy will be up in a few hours and I need to pull myself together.

everyone for talking to me while I panicked. I feel calmer now

I suspect your family is Toxic, and the issues are not just the abuse.
I would strongly recommend trying to work on this whole family dynamic in therapy. And maybe reading something like Toxic Families.

It sounds like you were the scape goat, she was the golden child and your abuse possibly somewhere in the middle. You also sound very bound up in FOG.
Just because someone is dying doesn't mean they are suddenly a Saint and it doesn't mean you have to spend time with them.

Getting away from your family could be just what you need to do.

Molly it’s an incredibly fucked up and toxic family, yes! I know in the past when I’ve had psychotherapy it’s been suggested I cut off my mum, but that’s too big for me to do right now. I’m not ready.

The person dying is a young person and totally unaware of all this. That’s why I feel so selfish. They need to come first, I get that, but I’m scared for what it’s going to do to me.

My mum replied and said she doesn’t know yet what’s going to happen and that I have to just let it happen as it’s going to be a massive shock for the other girl. I can see how this is going to go.

Ah I wish I could give you a hug.
It's going to be really difficult for you, is it possible to stay in your room with some 'work' that needs to be done while she's there? Or arrange to visit a friend?

What a horrible situation for you. Is there any way you could take the bull by the horns and sit your mother down, and be incredibly honest with her about everything. How you felt at the time, how you feel now? How the girl makes you feel? Etc etc your mother (even though I would hope she would) May have no idea at all how you feel and how deep that runs. How old are you? Are you planning to live independently with your son or you want to stay with your mother? May be quite freeing for you in many ways to break free. Have your own home own rules. Own circle so to speak where you can have the freedom to work on yourself. Having said that my daughter who is 22 and has a baby lives with me. And has no plans to live elsewhere as we all like living together.

So I totally understand wanting to stay with your mum also. Sending you a hug. Hard to know what to say to help the situation. I know from my own past. I've eliminated ppl including family members that are toxic and negative for a lot less. Purely to protect myself. It's a difficult situation for you.