Issues with sex...

[CampfiresAndBeer]

I'm really hoping someone can help me with this. Even if it's just to ask the 'right' questions that shift my thinking.

My issue is that I really struggle to have sex within a relationship.

In a nutshell, all of my serious relationships have been sexless within a matter of months. My longest relationship (12 years) was sexless for the majority of it. A few of my relationships have been long distance because it kind of takes sex off the table for the main part.

But the irony is that I have a pretty high sex drive. And I like sex. But I can't do it confidently in a relationship.

I've had sexually quite adventurous FWB situations/casual 'flings' that I knew were going nowhere, where we experiemented and I felt sexy and confident. But put actual 'feelings' into the mix and I become incredibly repressed.

I am now 6 months into a new LDR. We see each other for the weekend every three weeks and are in contact daily. It's great. I genuinely feel cared for; respected; we have so much in common; huge empathy, kindness and compassion. There's openness and honesty on both sides.

But I can feel this issue rearing its head again.

I fancy him hugely. I love kissing him, foreplay is great and all that but actual sex? Well, we have done but it's very 'tame' and we haven't even done things that I'd consider to also be very tame. I feel very overwhelmed, inadequate and, almost, scared by it.

I really want a loving, sexual relationship and I really want it to be with this man. But I seem to be only able to do one or the other.

It's definitely something in me. I can feel the tension developing.

And I don't know why. Or how to resolve it.

Any suggestions?

Hello everyone,

I feel that my husband and I are entering new territory in our relationship. We have been together for 14 yrs, I am 36 and he is 44 and we have 2 boys aged 8 and 4. The problem that is becoming very apparent is that my husband seems to be going through a midlife crisis with a dose of ED to match. I am trying my hardest to be supportive and understanding, but I am very unsatisfied with our sex life. When we do get to do the deed (averaging once every other week or so) it is only when he is in the mood. I get turned down a good 75% of the time when I try to initiate. There is often little to no foreplay and when I voice that I need more then just rushing to the main event, he becomes sulky or out right offended. He seems to be having trouble maintaining during intercourse and told me that he needs to do it when he can and right away. Well where does that leave me? Ive been very patient, but recently he seems to be seeking validation outside of our relationship. He is a musician and recently performed for a group of 17/18 yr old girls that are part of a dance troup that a good friend coaches. They loved his performance and even sent him a hat and gift card along with a video of them saying how much they love him. It normally wouldn't bother me but its been over a month since and he won't stop talking about it. The other day he actually called them "his girls". I find it weird and it's making me uncomfortable given our current situation. Especially since the majority of these girls are legal. I dont think he would be unfaithful and more then likely this is just an ego boost for him. He just won't stop talking about it. I dont know how to bring this up as we are experiencing some tension already. Last night I was rejected yet again. Some advice would be great.

@liambaby1379

Might be an idea to start your own thread.

Yup i meant to accidentally added to this one. Will post my own thread

Hey OP

Wierd.... Reading your post has struck a chord with me. I have been exactly the same for most of my adult life too. It's only been the last few months in my 10 year relationship have I started to break down some of the barriers.

Through councilling last year I think I started to just open up my mind to living differently and changing my negative thought patterns. And this enabled me to be really honest with myself.... Where as I've never even admitted to myself before that sex was an issue.

I've realised it has come down to a dear of intemacy..... feel of rejection..I only ever feel this with men I'm in love with and long term, like you.
I literally switch off in having sex. But do have a high sex drive. It's psychological..... I'm aware of it but am only really just starting to work out how to stop it happening.
I feel like I .getting to grips with it and the outcomes of changing this reaction is that my relationship is so much deeper and loving etc.... Good sex breeds good sex. I just needed to really let my guard down
....which at 36 I thought I had!!!

I've got work to do.... And may consider seeing a counselor about it because it is hard to reflect on psychological issues and make changes all by yourself.....

Do you feel like you may be scared deep down of trusting, relying and connecting with someone else?

@liambaby1379

Greenmum2019

Yes, I think that is a big part of it.

If I try and articulate it...

If I'm with a FWB/having a casual 'fling', I'm comfortable with the idea that they like me. I'm comfortable with the idea that they fancy me. I'm comfortable with the idea that they find me sexy. And I feel sexy. And sexually confident. I don't care about being seen naked; I don't care about trying things. In fact, I'm quite happy to and feel confident doing so.

I've been single for the most part of the past few years, apart from a couple of these casual fling relationships - one of which lasted for over a year!

I hoped that, when I finally found a new 'real' relationship, I'd be able to take the confidence with me but it's just disappeared. I worry about whether he finds me attractive; whether he fancies me; whether he finds me physically offputting... I worry about not being as 'good' at things as his exes. I worry about him putting up with my inadequacies because he has 'feelings' for me.

I suppose I at least know that if fwb/casual fling sticks around it's because they're getting something out of it that they like. If it's a 'proper' relationship, the sex is only a small part of it and I worry that he'll put up with me being 'less than' because he likes who I am overall. But that he would be disatisfied with it.

I just don't think I would ever feel 'sexy' or attractive in a relationship. I find it harder to flirt or initiate sex in case he looks at me and thinks - "wtf?" whereas I'm quite confident at it at other times.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job of explaining it really because I know how ridiculous it sounds!

So I guess that some of it is a fear of trusting - although I do trust him in all other respects. Maybe it's the 'connecting' element.

I suppose it's almost like I've imposed a 'Madonna/whore' complex on myself. I can be one or the other but not both.

If that makes sense.

But I don't know how to change it.

Yes, and a fear of intimacy and rejection. I guess that sums it up!

I have even kind of broached it with him and he was lovely about it. I didn't tell him about being sexually adventurous in casual relationships because that's a bit crap really!

"Yeah, I'm quite experimental with people I don't give a shit about but I like you so much I can't"

He just said that he didn't want me to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with and that we could go at my pace but that kind of isn't really the problem.

I mean, where do you go with that?

I can completely understand this. There is ultimately more to lose, when you're emotionally invested in someone.
With a FWB you are enjoying things in the here and now, with less thought to the future. If they decided you weren't good in bed, they could leave, and it wouldn't matter as much. There's less pressure.
But with someone who counts, you fear you're not going to measure up. Hence the anxiety and fear of rejection.
Growing up, did you get the feeling that you were loved unconditionally?

Yes, that's probably it. I just automatically assume that his exes will have been 'better' than me - in every respect.

I find it really difficult to explain - it's more a feeling than a thought process I suppose. I feel it's ridiculous to expect him to find me attractive. I feel that I'll just look foolish and he's laugh at me or, even worse, pity me. Or humour me.

I just can't get over how different I am in the two scenarios.

No, I wasn't loved at all let alone unconditionally. I was constantly told that no one would want me

I'd rather him think I'm shy and inexperienced than try and 'seduce' him.

And I think 'shy and inexperienced' is kind of the impression I think he now has of me!

I really get this OP. My relationship history is a disaster for this reason. Have also had a sexless relationship.

It is so intimate. I think I'm dealing with current relationship (also about the same 'age' as your own, by being aware that I feel vulnerable but also, I know that if it ends I"ll be fine (cos I am always fine).

My parents just weren't as the book title went ''that in to me''.

I honestly think counselling might help. One thing is for sure though; how you're feeling will be a lot more common than you think. We all have the fear of not being 'good enough', whether it be in our personal or professional lives.

Try psychosexual therapy

I completely understand everything you say about feeling desirable and confident to begin with or if it's obviously got an expiry date from the get go, but like you I find it difficult to know how to continue.......... I feel extremely confident, attractive, fulfilled, content, curious, intelligent and humorous as a single person. With a 'bf' once it looks like he's not going to dump me, I feel a bit ........turned off, bored and yet also insecure and also confused by how it's all supposed to work! Can I be boring sometimes? Can I be quiet sometimes? How much effort do I have to make? Is the me that I think is me as effortless and as consistent and as authentic as I think it is when I'm sitting here on my own!

I can relate to this too!
I am wondering though, will it just feel 'right' and less effort with the right person?

Here's hoping anyway

I've thought about this quite a bit overnight.

Selkie I have no expectations of the relationship. I know I'd be ok if I ended up on my own again because, like you, I always am. I also feel confident, attractive, sexy etc as a single person but how happy and confident I feel in a relationship is always inversely proportionate to how interested they are etc.

Dieu I'm not sure I have the strength to go for counselling again. I've had it several times over the years and with very limited impact.

As for it feeling like less effort with the right person, I don't think it's about that. This man is lovely. The first time I've met someone who genuinely cares for me and all of the insecurities/uncertainties I've felt in previous attempts at relationships just aren't there. I trust him, he makes me feel safe, I'm attracted to him... the way I feel is coming from me. It's nothing he has done or is doing. I can just feel myself clamming up.

When I thought about it overnight, two thought ideas/memories kept cropping up.

Firstly, I was a child in the late 70s/early 80s and I know that the very sexist comedy had an impact on me. The wife/partner was a dowdy, frumpy, sexually unappealling character suffered by the man, whilst the 'other woman', casual fling was sexually desireable etc. I remember being quite young and thinking I'd never have a proper reltionship/get married because of that. My mum and her friends laughed at me but, by the time I was in my early teens, I'd got a very definite idea of how relationships worked and didn't want it.

I think I completely internalised it as just how things are.

Secondly, when I was in my late teens/early 20s, I had a friend who was quite attractive/sexy and all the boys fancied her whilst I was quiet and sweet and very much on the sidelines. I remember one of the men, at seeing me on my own, came over to me one day and said, "just remember that she's the sort of girl men want to fuck. You're the sort they want to marry".

I was utterly devastated. I thought that he was insulting me and telling me that she was the sexy, attractive, desireable one and I was the frumpy, unattractive one. His words have haunted me since my late teens/early 20s. I was nearly 40 when someone pointed out to me that he more likely meant she was the 'sort of girl' men use and disregard and I was the sort they fell in love and commited to.

Whilst I don't necessarily agree with that, it's a perspective that hadn't even occured to me for over 20 years.

dangerrabbit the thought terrifies me.

I don't think you should write off being able to change.

Acknowledging these things and articulating is the start I think. We internalise so much and relationships are the biggest test of. 'who we are and what threatens us and causes ancxety'.

I know I pull away and retreat..... To protect myself.

I am trying so much to keep reminding myself that this is an issue and I can keep doing or can start fighting against it..... When I do I enjoy sex and feel close to husband and it's a positive cycle.

I am an artist and use art therapy techniques a lot.

I think you should start writing.... Like you are on here.

When you have a moment with your OH when you may retreat intamacy or hold back sexually or pretend instead of enjoy. The next day pick it apart.... What happened the day leading up to it..... What happened during it.... How did you feel after..... Does it make you retrieve memories from childhood. Write it all down. It helps, u promise xx

You are incredibly self-aware, which is really admirable and will stand you in good stead.
I hope your new relationship works out.

Read Don't Hold my Head Down by Lucy-Ann Holmes. Really opened my eyes to gendered roles in sex - and the immense possibilities that are out there once you take charge of your own sexuality. Might help you articulate your needs.
It's just not on for your DH to demand everything on his own terms. But a bit of work in this vein could help recentre him on his own relationship, and not some juvenile fantasy.

You say you are naturally as a preference sexually adventurous? I suspect there will also be an element of the following

Being sexually adventurous means you are taking things places which are enjoyable to you. But it also means you need to be able to walk away from stuff you are not enjoying. Thats way easier when you arent emotionally invested in the guy. No need to compromise or be the good girl

And frankly if you arent having the sex you want, why bother having sex at all. Which is why i suspect you go to the other extreme with a man you are emotionally invested in.

Greenmum

This is all really helpful. It's helping me to clarify where the problem lies and also where it doesn't. I can't really explain but it really isn't anything at all that he has done so there isn't anything in the day leading up to it. It really isn't him. It's entirely me. I couldn't wish for anyone to be more kind, loving, attentive, considerate or supportive.

He hasn't pushed for anything or even suggested anything that makes me feel 'unsafe'. He is letting the whole thing be dictated by me. I was raped many years ago and I thought that was something to do with it. It does mean that I don't feel comfortable in positions where I can't see the person I'm having sex with so I don't do them. But I feel safe enough with him to have told him about it. I've never told anyone before and he was brilliant.

I do worry a bit that I'm 'fatter' than his exes (I'm a 12/14). Although, he falls asleep with his hand on my tummy and he says he loves my bum But I worry I can't compare to them physically and I think that holds me back a bit.

I do worry about him comparing me unfavourably to his exes - although he's never said anything that makes me think he is. He's also very perceptive. He said he felt me 'wince' the first time he told me I was beautiful (I probably did!) and he wants to keep on telling me until I believe it. The only problem with that is that he's probably said it to many women who were, and I am not. I'm happy to hear that I'm kind and lovely and thoughtful, etc because those things are true. But none of them are particularly 'sexy'. But I'm not comfortable hearing physical compliments because, yes, I do imagine he's said them to many other women who were far more deserving of them than I am!

These worries probably are a hangover from my upbringing where I was told that I was the sort of girl men 'settle' for. My fear of being 'settled for' is huge and it makes me sad that, as I'm in my mid 40s, I''m never going to be someone's 'true love' now.

Thank you, Dieu. It's just not really helping.

Brandyb I'm not sure what you're responding to.

GreenEggsHamandChips

I'm probably not hugely sexually adventurous in the grand scheme of things! But, within my friendship group, they seem to think I am. It's more that I'm not scared of sex, generally, and I am up for giving things a go but I'm also not afraid to assert my boundaries and refuse to do/repeat something. I'm not bothered about being the 'cool girl' or being dumped if I don't do something. I suppose it's more accurate to say that I'm pretty uninhibited when I'm not in a relationship.

I have very good sexual boundaries in that respect. I suppose it's just that my boundaries within a relationship are very different to those without.

I just feel very inadequate, I think. Physically inadequate, sexually inadequate and I worry about someone I'm in a relationship with having those thoughts privately and feeling like they're 'sacrificing' something to be with me.

It's not a huge an issue as you think..... I think it is just 'your' way of coping with any conflict you have within yourself.

Being raped probably makes you most vulnerable when having sex.

I really relate to all you have written..... I was very surprised to find that my 'triggers' had zero to do with my husband.... But just normal day to day stuff. For example..... I may have felt inferior or challenged during an exchange at playgroup with another parent. Then this would wobble.me.... make me question myself and feel in the defense and then I would close down. By the time my husband came home all I could open up to was a smile and an hello. I was shut down. Then being closed and distance would cause coldness between us... So on and so forth!!!!

Being able to realise what my triggers were and being really clicked into and reflecting could I then be aware I was laughing my husband away therefore removing intimacy.... No sex! I didn't have to force myself.... But allowing myself to realise I was just vulnerable or low.... I could go to him for comfort. Seriously... I didn't even know I could get comfort from a cuddle or sex. 10 years being with him and in love, three kids... Lots of challenges and only now I GET the value in the physical intimate and emotional relationship.

Hm, thank you! I hadn't thought about it in that way.

I suppose it's possible that there are unrelated external triggers but I am a big part of it.

I do just worry that I'm not 'good enough'.

Good enough..... Or 'deserve' to feel good and be happy and LOVED?

I mistook me.feelijg not good enough as a person with actually not deserving to be loved
They are different and take different perspectives. I realised I had been conditioned to not feel worthy ..... I wasn't reacring to my imperfections and not feeling good enough.

As soon as I could see this it was a light bulb moment, and I was able to stop feeling like that. Could see what my childhood had caused in me feeling unworthy.

Xx