Separation

[Gustav99]

My wife wants to separate and says she doesn't love me anymore. I discovered she slept with a man at her sports club, where she spends most of free time. We both work but I'm the one who spends most time with our teenage girls. I've seen a mortgage broker and can remortgage the house and give my wife her fair share of the equity and I can stay in the house. But she doesn't want to leave so she wants to continue her near independent single life whilst enjoying the family house. This whole situation has been devastating for me and has broken my heart. I've kept things away from the girls but now i want to move on and have a loving relationship but my wife wont leave, what can I do?

Solicitor, start divorce proceedings.

Then either amicable agreement or mediation lead split of assets and child arrangements. Fail in that, solicitor lead everything and a lot of money. Child arrangements shouldn't be too difficult, as kids are likely old enough to decide who/where they want to live.

Good luck.

What is ths pension situation as these are also assets.

Could your wife get s property with 50% equity ?

Reality is you have to start divorcd proceedings to end the marriage and that will usually make her realise you are serious.
Do the girls know?

The girls don't know as we the elder one is about to do her A levels. There's enough equity for my wife to buy something and she could augment it with her own mortgage. I want to be fair wrt to the equity and pension, and am ok if she wants to come to the house, i just want to move on in my life and have a new meaningful relationship.

Timing is awful if the oldest is doing Alevels, perhaps wait to start divorce but you can her can start to make plans.

Please don't rush into a new relationship, you need time to process what has happened and to figure out what your needs are. You are not likely to be emotionally available to a new woman until you have gone through the legalities and also supported your daughters.

I know it is common for men to want to replace one relationship with another but it is healthy to remain on your own for a period of time.

Don't be nice and pander to her demands. She's the one who's cheating, you need to look after yourself and your children. Start divorce proceedings and insist the house be sold or if she wants to live there, she must buy you out. You cannot kick her out without risking a false claim against you (police on your doorstep). As the man they will never take your side. Protect yourself by documenting everything and have a witness when you have any difficult conversations (ideally a mediator). I'd tell the children, they deserve to know what's happening and what sort of person their mother is and that you are not the bad guy in this.

Mate, you haven't even told the kids that your relationship with their mum is over, but you're talking about wanting to move on to a new relationahip. Your priorities are screwed up.

I totally get that you're in a shitty situation, and you have my sympathy. But right now you need to focus on (a) the wellbeing if your kids, and (b) sorting out practicalities of a divorce. In that order.

Take control. See a solicitor. File for divorce. Make a financial offer to your wife.

But first, you and your wife have an important job to do. You have to tell the kids. Just because they're older, don't underestimate the impact this will have on them. You need to tell them together that you will be separating. Listen to them, and seek their views on what they want to happen around residence. This isn't a one time thing - you need to be available and present, and support them right through this thing and beyond.

Don't rush into a new relationship. Don't be that guy who is so wrapped up in his love life that he doesn't focus on what his kids are going through. They need you more than ever. Put them first.

I split with my ex H, 3 months in I was having second thoughts but was never able to articulate or see if it could be worked out as he got with someone 5 weeks after I left and clearly was happy, didn’t feel I could say anything, so that was that. I did feel very hurt that I could so easily just be replaced even though I decided to leave . Please don’t rush things OP, put some space there by all means, it’s not fair on anyone new either that you just want to get someone else there ASAP