Helping DM leave DF

[belleshelles]

Reposting this for more traffic as I'm really at a loss as what to do. DM has been married to DF for 25 years and there has been emotional and verbal abuse for as long as I can remember. DF decides where DM can and can't go, how she's allowed to have her hair, who she's allowed to be friends with, what she's supposed to wear. He screams abuse at her when he's in a foul mood (which is most of the time). He's gaslighted her more times than I care to count, and he seems to take pleasure in destroying her self confidence and making her feel stupid on a daily basis. I've grown up with this and watching my DM be treated in this way has continued to upset me. DM and DF live abroad and have done for the past 16 years, this is due to DFs work (he is a very high earner in a specific field) . DM gave up work to facilitate DF pursing his career abroad and hasn't worked since they left 16 years ago. Their current move has been the last straw as the abusive behaviour has escalated to being almost daily, especially now as he's lost his current position (he has a pattern of doing this because he believes he is better than everyone else). They are now planning to return to the U.K. in the next six months. DM has confided in me that she's (quite rightly) had enough and wants to leave once they get back to the U.K.. They don't own any property together and the youngest DC is 18 and heading to uni in September. I'm just wondering on what to advise her next steps to be and how do I best support her?

Can you let her come and live with you for a while?

@MonaChopsis I've offered but she seems convinced she'll somehow be in the way

That's because she has had 25 years of being treated like shit on someone's shoe. I would tell her, again and again and again, that you hate the way he treats her, and that you would love to have her stay. Once she's there, help her get in touch with Woman's Aid. If she's been near him for 25 years, it's going to take a good few months of 'detox' from him before she can decide what she wants to do.

Can you help her financially to get a rental near you? Can you look for one for her? Does she have access to money? She'll have a claim on any marital assets like savings or pensions.

Why do people behave like this? The way to make someone stay with you is to make them happy. The way to make them leave is to make them miserable (eventually).

I think it would be best for her to come and stay with you for a bit (if you're happy to have her). Then she'll have time to sort her finances out and arrange a rental.

@MonaChopsis I will, I've been telling her for years but I'm glad she's finally getting the courage to proactively think about leaving. The only reason I think she's hesitating is she's got her dogs which are very important to her.

@category12 all of their finances are in both their names, so I don't know whether she should start furrowing money away quietly for the next six months to set herself up to leave?

Good idea

There is a section in this link “what to include in your safety packing list” - she should get this stuff together and keep it safe

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

This is the Entitled To link which she might find helpful

www.entitledto.co.uk

Lots of practical things that can be done, yes definitely set aside cash if she can. It would be good for her to have copies of bank statements etc., her passport and those for the youngest child - is that your sibling, are they in the Uk now, where are they going to uni?

Do they have joint savings that she could access? I definitely think she could helpfully stay with you for a while. What is your father likely to do? Come after her? Run off with any cash he can lay his hands on? What's your position, do you have a partner at home and if so are they supportive? Also not sure of the nationalities of all involved - how old is your mum and does she have the right to work here? Lots of things to consider but being safe, having access to travel documents, passport, birth certificates and hopefully some cash are all important. And she has you which is the most important thing of all.

Defiantly tell her to start hiding money.

And on the day she leaves make sure she transfers half of whatever is in the joint account into an account in her sole name.

Not just that, but gets herself removed from any joint accounts at the same time - he could start overdrafts/debt that she would be liable for otherwise, and be unable to remove herself from the accounts until they're in credit.

@DishingOutDone youngest sibling is my younger brother and he's got an unconditional place for a uni up north. DF is incredibly unpredictable, I'm very unsure as to how he'll react. I've got a very supportive partner and my DD at home. DM is in her mid fifties and has national insurance number and a British passport so she has a right to work in the U.K. DF is completely useless when it comes to finances so if she quietly kept some money away for six months it would be very unlikely for him to notice.

I think you've got the makings of a plan there then OP. I'm mid-fifties and planning to leave too so I know how grateful your mum must be, but also I too would feel like a massive burden.

If she can get some cash together and get out with her paperwork then all to the good. I know she won't walk into a well paid job in this country but she has all the makings of a good start. Its scary, but it needs to be done and I think you need her to leave him too.

Get her talking to Women's Aid and doing the Freedom Programme.

Do keep your distance somewhat though. You may be suffering from wishful thinking. There is a high chance she won't leave him or will go back. Don't get too invested, it will lead to frustration and could severely damage your relationship.

As a general rule, children should not be getting involved in their parents' relationship. Point her at some resources, be kind but stay slightly removed I would suggest.