Partner jealous of my success?

[5623user]

Dear readers, hello. How to cope with a partner, who is rather jealous? In terms of being jealous of things/opportunities.

Well, he has worked in one company nearly 10 years and has actually made great progress in there - has had several different positions. He does not earn as much as he would like and complains about it. I work in my company for the last 5 years and basically am on the same position still, although I have gained more responsibility regarding different projects over the years. At the same time, my wage has increased steadily and I earn a bit more now than he is. Although his job is indeed somewhat more difficult perhaps. However, we work in totally different fields. I really consider myself lucky for having such job, such working conditions etc. He complains a lot about his working conditions and bosses, but is not actively seeking a new job. He did at some point, but had no luck (was negative in advance, anyway) and decided he will pursue his career in his old company.

My issue is that it seems he is jealous of me. That I have such wise and intellectual colleagues and I get pay rises and I get to go to work trips to foreign countries etc. That I earn a bit more and thus can buy some stuff he cannot afford (a new phone, for example). He has not saved up any money previously, whereas I have collected a bit of savings over the years (not much, really, but still).

I was now presented with an opportunity to go to another work trip soon, and I told him about it and it seems he again is a bit jealous. Also, he likes to spend more time with me than I would like. So I guess he has this issue as well - if I go to work trip, then he must be alone at home.

How to not feel guilty? Feel guilty for my success which has come to me rather easily, while he (according to him) tries and tries even harder but cannot succeed (which I actually find hard to believe, because he could try to find a new job until he finds the one that suits him instead of whining about his old job..). I feel such nagging feeling sometimes in such situations and I find it hard to cope with it. I feel like I cannot share my worries and joys regarding the trip for example, because I do not want make him feel bad about himself. I have tried to motivate him to find a new job, but he still hasn't tried again.

No offence but you sound proper smug about it, I don’t know if that’s how you come across to him but if it is .....it might be why

Ooh I couldn’t be doing with this at all.

Instead of being your biggest fan and cheerleader he seems bitter about your success.

Not only that, he’s claiming to be unhappy at work but not actually doing anything about it. I couldn’t be bothered with someone so lacking in get up and go and willing to complain nonstop without actually making any steps to improve his situation.

How long have you been together?

People tend to do what works for them, there’s a reason he’s staying at his employer even though he talks up a storm about being miserable there. It’d get old fast listening to that all the time. Have you ever actually said this to him directly?

I don’t think you sound remotely smug.

I’d feel suffocated by a partner who played the ‘poor me I’m gonna be alone at home’ card to sour your trip rather than waving you off happily and then entertaining himself with hobbies and work and socialising when you’re gone. Bit like having an overgrown child.

How to not feel guilty?

By realising that it's not your fault that your partner is a lazy, whiny, self-pitying arse.

You don't sound remotely smug to me with either, suspect the first poster is also jealous.

How big an impact is this on your life? His behaviour? Because it's not going to stop. So you may have a decision to make on your future with this man,

I’m honestly not sure here. If he does genuinely resent your success then that’s awful. That said, I have such wise an intellectual colleagues makes you sound unbearably smug. Coming home and ranting a bit about work like he does, is within in reason, perfectly normal. And stop trying to motivate him to find a new job- if actually he wants to find a new job he can do so without your ‘motivation’. If you want him to genuinely support your successes it should be a 2 way street so maybe start by being more supportive of him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you with him at all?. He is using his own jealousy at your overall success here career wise as a reason to knock you back and downwards.

He is also not your project or fixer upper to improve; it is not down to you to try to motivate him into finding another job. You're not his mother or cheerleader here.

That said, I have such wise an intellectual colleagues

I read that sarcastically. Almost like that’s what he says to OP rather than a description she uses herself.

I don't think you sound remotely smug either just factual
After all facts is facts
I'm not sure its in your power to change his feelings.,nor should you tiptoe round him
If i was you i would be reconsidering the relationship and what your getting out of it
Never apologise or play down your successes to appease some one else
If its not this he would find something else to pull/put you down about

What stack the rock says

Sounds like he is a big fish in a little pond and is scared of your success shining the light on how unsuccessful he is in his career. He’s been in the same job for 10 years and not had a pay rise? If he was that bothered he would have found another job. He is clearly happy in his misery so leave him to it. There are always those who find themselves in a bad job and will either sit and moan about it for eternity to anyone who will listen to their tales of woe, or take affirmative action and bust their arses trying to find another job elsewhere. I wonder which one your partner is……

He sounds insecure as a man that a woman is earning more than him, hence why he shits on you/your job. Most decent partners would be pleased for you in excelling your career/job opportunities. The fact that he isn’t happy for you speaks volumes.

Why should you feel guilty for doing well in life? I would give up motivating your partner to find a new job and instead motivate yourself to find a new supportive partner.

I also read the comment how Stacktherock suggests.

I would struggle to be supportive of someone who moans constantly but doesn’t do anything about it. It’s like complaining that your shoes are broken and don’t fit and hurt your feet while someone else’s look great and are comfortable etc but refusing to go out and get new shoes.

Thank you all! I do not know how do I come across to him, whether he feels I am smug. I do not brag about my job, I just talk about it - what goes well and what is difficult at times, what opportunities do I have etc, i.e. share my work life with him. Just like he does. The "intelligent and wise colleagues" are indeed his words, he wishes he had such colleagues, for me these are just my colleagues. In my opinion, colleagues are colleagues, they are just people and in every company you have some very nice colleagues and some not so nice etc. However, he is the one who values "intelligence" and in his opinion, as he works in a retail company and I work in a research/science company, his colleagues are "not so smart, thus unpleasant people", whereas my colleagues are "smart, thus pleasant people". I do not agree with him, because you cannot make such assumptions about people. Then again, I haven't met his colleagues so I am unaware how pleasant they are.

I am aware the fact that yes, actually I am lucky to work in such company, where people are valued and bosses are great. But it is related to my education and I too had to apply for the job etc, it did not just fall into my lap out of nowhere. But I think there are a lot of such companies out there and if I did not have such great conditions, I would look for something else. And as I see that he is not happy, I have suggested several times for him to find a new job, I have motivated him and helped him, but I guess he is afraid of pursuing new opportunities. He has progressed from a regular salesman in the company to the companies' IT support person, he really loves the IT job and he knows that there are so many other options available for such job. He has had pay rises, but he wants to earn more, although it is not possible in this particular company. It would be in other companies. Yet, he does not believe in himself enough, in my opinion, to try to apply for another job. I would be his biggest cheerleader if he tried. And I think he knows it, because I have told him it so many times.

At the same time, I am not the most outgoing and carefree and confident person, either. I am also rather fearful of changes and it is actually difficult for me to go to these work trips. But I am constantly trying to increase my confidence. I have been forced to go to these trips and it has really helped me to reduce my fears and now that I have additional opportunities I would really like to even more fight against my fears and take these opportunities. It is scary as hell, to be honest. But I do not want my fears to restrict me anymore. He also knows that it is not mentally easy for me to go to these trips, although if I go, I am so happy afterwards. But, he does not cheerlead me very much in overcoming my fears. If I decide that yes, I will do it and tell him I am a bit frightened, then yes, he tries to support me. But if I tell him I think I would not do it, because I'm scared, then he just says OK (while I would motivate him to overcome his fears and tell him that he can do it and of course he should go). Like it was with this particular upcoming trip. At first, I told him I have such opportunity but I decided I'm not going because I'm rather worried how would I perform etc. He just said OK. It was two weeks ago. Now, I talked with my boss and realised that it's my fear holding me back and I would greatly benefit from going there, I could again beat my fears and become stronger, plus I can enjoy foreign country. So I told my boyfriend that I decided I will go the trip and he just said OK again, and then has been in a bit of sulking mood. And now I feel guilty again, like I have felt previously.

You have a good point, that I should not tiptoe around him. But it is difficult to cope with his sulking mood if I tell him the good parts of my job. And a trip is not something I can hide from him and I would not like to miss these opportunities to avoid his sulking. I guess I really have to consider what am I getting out of this relationship, indeed... I just want him to be happy with his life and to be happy for my success as well. Like I am happy for him if he has some kind of opportunities or a good day or so.

Oh dear, the last post was so long. I'm sorry.

Why is he sulking? Is he 5? I’m sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a pathetic loser who will only drag you down as misery loves company. If you can’t share your successes with your own bloody partner for fear of him throwing a strop and being jealous, why are you with him?

I just want him to be happy with his life and to be happy for my success as well.

It’s a shame he can’t extend the same good wishes to you.

He sounds like a lot of hard work and very negative. Fuck that for a long term relationship, you'll end up being his unpaid counsellor if you aren't already, whilst he continues to moan (and do nothing about) about his job and woe is me tales.

Writing it out of my system has really opened my eyes, I must admit. He is so good in so many ways and I genuinely like him, but now I understand that beneath it all I really feel he is too jealous of me and other persons and instead of improving his situation, he would rather criticize and moan. Now that I think about it, it shows in other areas of life as well. I think my heart just broke, realising that it really drags me down and it is really not a way to live for the rest of my life.

First of all, want to say that you definitely do not sound smug!

Also, it sounds like you’re starting to see this but he doesn’t sound like a great life partner. For me I’d want someone who builds me up, shares in my happiness and wants what makes me happy, and it sounds like none of those are true for your partner.
I’m so sorry OP, it just be hard looking at the relationship like this and maybe realising that it isnt what you thought it was before.

It all sounds very childish and a lot of hassle just to pay bills.
How do you know he is jealous of what you perceive as success.
Not being difficult but that's not my idea of successful.
maybe he's happy with his situation and you may be too ambitious for him.
sounds like it's time to call time on this relationship, anyway.

Hello.

I think you're working hard and doing well, and he is indeed jealous.

To me it suggests meanness on his part.

I'd say you could find a better partner. This one would prefer you to stay slightly behind him....and therefore to choose that is to choose limitations.

I'm sorry he's ruining it. But at least you're not married with kids xxx