Does anybody else here have an alcoholic parent?

[Februaryblooms]

Are you still in touch with them or have you gone no contact? Do you allow your DC to have a relationship with them?

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with a toddler at home. My DM is the problem, she's causing more stress than she is being a mother and a grandparent. I'm tense, anxious and feel alone.

Not sure if I want my children exposed to this, or her bobbing in and out of their lives letting us down depending on whether she's had a drink or not.

I've tried all the usual steps to get her help and they have been fruitless, she doesn't want to change.

WWYD?

You really should give her her card back OP. It’s not on you to monitor a grown woman’s spending even if she chooses to spend on things others would think are unwise. In some ways it’s keeping you enmeshed and codependent and it’s meaning you have to interact with her regularly. If she wants to get booze she will. She’ll shoplift or sell items for money or something. My mother got so weak she could no longer walk, yet she managed to get home booze delivery companies to deliver to her sofa. There’s no stopping an alcoholic and it’s futile to even try.

Don’t up the drama by giving her it back in frustration, give it back cheerfully saying you’ve realised it’s a bit weird her adult daughter having any control over her money as she’s a grown adult and can make whatever decisions she wants to regarding her finances. And then you can go no contact if you like?

Despite seeing first hand how she can't be helped I still continue to hold out hope that if I 'just' do this or do that then she might change, the grandchildren might be enough even if I'm not.

Op I’m sorry you are going through this.
However, as some other posters have pointed out there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your mother drinking. As you’ve said, although you have her card she still gets drunk.
Addicts and alcoholics will always find a way - I remember a story in which the wife assiduously searched the house for alcohol and couldn’t understand how her husband still managed to get drunk.
It turned out he had filled the windscreen spray container with vodka and had rigged up a tube from which he would suck it.
I second the advice from pps to go to Al Anon. You will find help and support there.

Nobody is more resourceful, determined and creative than an alcoholic or substance addict desperate for a fix or to take away withdrawal symptoms. It is entirely out of your hands OP.

I guess there’s part of you that’s scared: what if I give her the card back and she ends up dead? Well, I’m here to tell you as a daughter of a mother who did drink herself to death, it wasn’t my fault. And it wouldn’t be your fault either. It’s in their hands to change, not ours. I honestly tried everything I could in the early months to force her to stop drinking but quickly realised it wasn’t possible and moved onto just non judgmental love and acceptance. She died anyway, but I know I didn’t cause it, and I know I couldn’t have stopped it. So please don’t run yourself ragged trying to stop her drinking, it only harms you.

Thank you ladies,

She has her card back.

She called me this morning with the blatantly fake crocodile tears saying how it was the last time and she's so sorry, I told her I didn't want to hear it anymore and I don't want her card at my house so I'll be dropping it off at her sisters which I have done this morning. I put it through the letterbox so it's not my problem anymore.

Its absolutely spot on that a big part of the reason I agreed to help her with her money and look after her card was because I'm scared that she'll drink herself to death when she's got access to all of her money, she doesn't know when to stop.

I know it's not my problem though and I need to get out of the mindframe of her being my responsibility. Its really difficult to 'not worry' which is what I keep telling myself needs to change.

It's so angering because this is supposed to be a special time in my life (DD due this month) and it's being racked with stress.

DP never gets involved and is the most reserved person, even he said last night "that woman is taking the piss out of you, her behaviour stinks and it speaks volumes about what she thinks of her grandchildren" and he's furious with her after seeing the impact it's having on me.

I'm going to go no contact until after DD is born for the sake of avoiding stress, then decide whether I want to see her again. I'll still worry though.. I know I will

My dad was alcoholic but high functioning and a good dad until my DD (now 20) was born. Then he just wend downhill and died when she was 12. It was heartbreaking. I did not leave him to babysit etc but I did keep seeing him and that has been comforting to me since he died. He was a lovely man and I loved him. My poor stepmum had a rough time those last few years but knew he'd just die if she left...so she stayed as the good years, she felt, were outweighing her pain whilst he was going downhill . I cannot give others advice though. It was horrible to watch but he was never unpleasant to anyone- that could well have changed my response. It has taken me years to get over his death (panic attacks etc), I don't drink and whilst I don't judge, I distance myself from friends who have drinking problems as can't face watching people doing this to themselves. Hugs :(

It’s okay to worry OP. She’s your mum. You will worry. I worried a lot about mine.

The main thing is that you take care of yourself despite the worrying, and that you don’t do anything that’s going to be detrimental to you in any way re your actions and behaviour. By all means let yourself worry about her. But honour yourself by giving yourself permission not to speak with her, see her etc.

If the worrying starts to interfere with your life you might want to see someone to learn how to stop worrying as much. But a degree of worrying is totally normal as long as you can get to a place where you can acknowledge you’re worrying because you care about her wellbeing rather than worrying cos you think you have any part in acting to influence her course of events.

Both my parents have problems with drink. My dad is a proper alcoholic, and my mum isn’t far behind him but as she is a ginormous narcissist she likes to take the moral high ground by being just a bit less drunk.

I’m currently nc with my mother, due to her utter inability to comprehend boundaries. I see my dad weekly for a coffee under very controlled circumstances. He knows to never turn up drunk, he only comes when sober and we both know it’s only for an hour or so. And it’s nice. I love them both dearly but boundaries are the only way.