AIBU if I tell him he is being emotionally distant and I feel let down?

[Ladylouanne]

I was going to name change but can’t be bothered. Anyway, quick back story - I’ve been seeing DP/boyfriend (whatever...) for about 3 and a half years. We see each other weekends and holidays, live approx 80 mins apart so work and other commitments mean this will continue to be the case for a while.

Anyway, he’s lovely. I love him, he treats me well etc. However, there have been occasional instances where i’ve Felt that he is what I can only describe as a bit emotionally distant, or detached. There is a lack of intensity sometimes that bothers me.

It’s not a mega issue, but has come to a head this weekend. On Saturday, I was involved in a situation that I found very traumatic. I don’t want to go into details - I wasn’t physically injured but I still feel very shaken up and tearful.

Anyway, after this incident, DP was with me until Sunday evening and then went home which is usual. All was fine between us, but what has really upset me is that on Monday, it took him u til after 10pm to text and see how I was. This isn’t that unusual normally, but I had a horrible day yesterday and quite honestly, a quick message in the morning or at lunchtime would have been nice.

It’s made me question the whole basis of our relationship. I can’t believe he has been so thoughtless and whilst I do believe that he cares, i’m also left wondering if I can truly rely on him for emotional support when I need it.

Am I overreacting?

I'd suggest explaining to him what it is you need from the relationship in terms of contact and support. He may just be truly oblivious so spelling it out to him could help.

I'm sorry you've been through a trauma and hope you're ok x

Without knowing the precise nature of what happened it's impossible to say, in my opinion.

Difficult to say really, this isn't abnormal behaviour. So it comes down to what it was, was it clearly traumatic or are you having a very unusual reaction to it,

its been 3.5 years and you are not living together.
do you think you will ever be living together?
it sounds a bit he is drifting away???

I think you’ll get more insight if you’re a bit more specific. Your OP doesn’t give any context other than you’re not heppy with what you have at the moment

Fair enough. It was a road accident, completely not my fault but I was very lucky to just walk away.

You were uninjured. You walked away. He spent the next 24-36 hours with you.

Yes, it might have been nice to get a text during the day. Maybe you showed no signs on Sunday night when he left of still being traumatised to make him think he needed to act differently to normal? Maybe he was busy at work and didn't get the chance to send a text during the day?

I'd still say hard to call, but I'd err on you overreacting. I'd have thought you'd already know after 3.5 years if this is someone you can rely on for emotional support and I think judging it based on this one incident would be extreme, but we're all different. I'm very good at being there for people but my best friend (who is less of a best friend now) sucked big time when my nan and then grandad died.

I suppose I know that had things been reversed, I’d have sent him a text on the Monday just to see how he was, had he slept well etc. I’d barely slept on the Saturday night.

I was really short with him when I replied last night on text and said i’d Catch up with home today.

Did he know you'd barely slept on Saturday night? Were you still acting shaken or crying Sunday night before he left?

emotionally distant, or detached

Listen to this, your instinct is warning you. You don't have to explain or have a definite reason but sometimes we just know. What is his relationship history? How was his childhood?

Do you feel that on the surface he does and says the "right" stuff but it is more superficial than real? Trust your feelings and ot is ok to feel you deserve more than he gives.

Yes, he knew i’d barely slept. I’d say I was tired and quiet on Sunday.

Life begins - nothing worrying in the relationship history, childhood seems to have been pretty normal really.

On the surface with your example it sounds like you’re overreacting.

BUT in the past whenever I’ve wondered the same it’s always turned out that my gut was right, they had pulled away.

Problem is someone being distant is really hard to call out without looking like a loon. Especially if you ask if everything is fine and they say that it is.

Sorry about your accident, I would definitely have rung you so let's make that clear to start with.

However, I think you are being unreasonable as it's not as if you are that close!

You are not even living together and by the sounds of it have no intention on doing so.

Stop wishing someone else should behave in the way you would have done, that is a recipe for disaster.

The fact he and you are carrying on in a LDR means that neither of you particularly wants to uproot and live together therein lies the root of your emotional distance and I would be questioning the point of it all too op.

The LDR isn’t the real issue here. We’re in our late 40s/early 50s and each have well established careers that coukdn’t Just be transferred. That’s as much from my perspective as his.

OP, I have always lived 1 hour away from now DH, for work and personal reasons and our relationship is stronger than many who.live together so ignore all that. It's easy to feel emotionally distant when you are physically distant. I also find that when we've spent the weekend together (every week) I'm left wanting more contact sometimes, sometimes not, he's left feeling sated for a few days. I don't think its intentional or personal I think it's more chemical than that. You've just spent the whole weekend together. You're not hurt, he's left you knowing you're ok. I don't see an issue.

Onemansoapopera - thank you,, I find that reassuring. I get so annoyed by some of the comments on MN that basically suggest if you aren’t planning to live together after a year then there must be something wrong with your telationahip. It simply isn’t practical for us to make changes for now. A PP said we weren’t even that close because we don’t live together - utter nonsense.

When I talked about emotional distance, I suppose what I meant is that he is quite reserved, more so than me. He would drop everything if I asked for his help and has done in the past, he’s not so hot on verbalising things.

I can see from most of the comments that i’m Probably over reacting here. What bothered me was that he reverted to normal communication patterns after a farbfrom normal weekend and I needed a bit more. I’ll give some thought to telling him that.

My view of a good relationship is one that makes you both better people individually and as a couple. Part of that is learning from each other in a constructive way.

Assuming your DP is very resilient and maybe self contained, he probably thinks you are too. That you are physically ok and able to cope. That’s a fairly rational approach to life which is useful. But it would help him to understand that everything isn’t always rationally fixed. That mental health matters as much as physical health. That sometimes we need empathy for our feelings not a solution to a problem or a painkiller.

Without being judgemental tell him this and then see if it helps him change his behaviour. It won’t come naturally but try to reinforce it when he does. Maybe also be open to listening and learning from him too.

But it might be an issue of incompatibility for you both. Only time will tell and only you would know. Some people wouldn’t be that bothered by his behaviour. These are the differences people have. You can’t force change but you can influence it, if that’s what you want.

If you read about attachment styles, you might find it helpful.

Often it is not so much incompatibility, but what closeness people feel comfortable with.

Then of course, that starts a vicious cycle where the one wanting more closeness pursues and the other pulls away....

Whereas if you recognise the pattern and work on your own attachment style, the other might modify their behaviour as well.

@ScreamingLadySutch - thank you, yes, I’ve done some reading on attachment styles and know I have an anxious style. I’ve done a lot to manage this and think I’m pretty calm about things in general. I suspect he has a secure attachment style.

In this instance, I think that the emotional impact of the crash is playing out and i’m feeling particularly sensitive to things

sorry for your accident, i hope you recover soon.