Am I crazy or is this abusive?

[Buscemi8]

My partner’s family have always been ok to me, however their behaviour in general is really bad. For example, my partner’s brother in law yelling at his kids now aged 6 and 7, over the years to the point of abuse. E.g. “stop that or I’m going to smash your head in”, “put your jumper on right now or I’ll break your arm”. There’s frequent swearing, sometimes directed at the kids like “bloody fucking stop”. This can come from the grandma too, who also yells at them to stop sooking when they are understandably upset. His sister and brother in law yell and swear at eachother over the dinner table at times saying they hope the other dies or commits suicide. Everyone in his family seems to think this is just normal family fighting. I find it appalling and would often take days to recover from any family function. It’s difficult to talk about it with my partner as I don’t want to say his family are awful and I hate being around them, so I have said things like it was really stressful to hear your brother in law say this or that, and it’s not how I was brought up in my family. He seemed sympathetic after this chat and next time his Mum started yelling and calling my partner’s neices sooks he intervened and told her to calm down. However, I have just found out that he thinks I think his family is inferior, and they all need to walk around on eggshells around me so as not to offend me. Am I being unreasonable? I actually don’t think his family’s behaviour can be stopped/changed, and I didn’t ask him to intervene. But I do want my partner to be understanding and sympathetic to my point of view, so at least we can face those unpleasant functions together. I now feel like I’m the crazy one for being bothered by listening to this constant verbal abuse between adults and towards children. Am I being too sensitive? I worry if I have kids how can I protect them from this.

From their perspective they've been quite happily verbally abusing each other until you showed up!

The real question is are you sure you want to make babies with a man who has this as his family? They will not change. Are you absolutely certain your DP is not cut from the same cloth? How long have you been together and how much stress have you dealt with as a couple? It's easy to not be a prick when things are going well.

I’d feel uncomfortable around them too. It’s not inferior, just abusive. If you have children will you feel comfortable taking them into this family dynamic because I wouldn’t

This is their life as much as you hate it. You have to decide if you can live with it, they won’t change sadly

I think it's worth having the 'we come from very different worlds' conversation, that doesn't mean you look down on his family, but they do abuse each other a lot, that their behaviour can be pretty grim.

I think it was destined to be a very difficult match trying to manage with those dys functions!

I wouldn't be able to cope with that, sorry. If you have children, they will be seeing and hearing it all when they visit. It would've frightened me as a child.

Also surprised if your dp is not capable of any of the behaviours he's been treated to growing up in that, and I would worry a lot about having DC with him. Sorry.

No wonder you’re worried! This is awful behaviour. Poor kids. What on earth will they grow up like if their own parents casually toss around threats like breaking their arms! I would be really, really worried about having children and this group being their cousins/aunts and uncles etc. Would they be threatening and mocking your kids too? It’s one thing if they live far away and you see them once ur twice a year and another thing if they live close by.

I wouldn’t like this either. Is your DH like it??

I can only see problems in the future if you stay with him. He is clearly taking their side and not yours-I can see it ending well.

You can protect any future children by going no contact. However, that is only possible if your dp sees things your way. Sounds like he doesn't.

Which means he may parent their way ...

How long have you been together? I suspect this is normal to him and under stress he may resort to the same behaviour.

Life is too short to get involved with someone who doesn't share your values. It only gets worse, if your partner knew this was unacceptable he would have pre warned you before the first visit but iis normal to him. He is being on best behaviour with you but that isn't likely to last.
I would run from him and his family.

What worries me is that if you have children with him, they will treat them the same way.

The only thing I can think of is going NC with them but that may not be possible if your partner is close to them. They are his family at the end of the day and he has every right to a relationship with them.

Assuming your partner doesn't do it, is sympathetic to your views.

What you describe is emotional abuse. Can you point this out to your partner, if he sees it as "the way it is". He may distance. If not you know what to do.

Not saying this is your route at all but (I just found out myself) it is a crime and punishable by 5 years in prison.

For YOUR information (not being patronising just that you don't have to share this) I have copied below some information about this:

There are a variety of types of behaviour that could be classed as emotional abuse. These include:

Intimidation and threats.This could be things like shouting, acting aggressively or just generally making you feel scared. This is often done as a way of making a person feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves.

Criticism.This could be things like namecalling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.

Undermining.This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.

Being made to feel guilty.This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.

Economic abuse.This can bewithholding money, not involving you in finances or even preventing you from getting a job. This could be done as a way of stopping you from feeling independent and that you’re able to make your own choices.

Telling you what you can and can’t do.As the examples above make clear, emotional abuse is generally about control. Sometimes this is explicit. Does your partner tell you when and where you can go out, or even stop you from seeing certain people? Do they try to control how you dress or how you style your hair?

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse/

I am surprised he has never said any of these things to you during a heated argument. Dh family have form for saying the most vindictive things when angry, and really exploding. Dh thought that was normal. So he would do it to me. Until I told him it stops or we break up (he went for counselling). If your dp has internalized this as normal, i would be concerned for.your future.

Thank you everyone for your advice and for listening. We have been together for several years. My partner has called me a sook twice in this time which I was really upset over but never threatens violence etc or has not (so far) sworn at me like what his family do to eachother. I try to avoid seeing his family and feel I can cope when I haven’t seen them for a while but then attend a family lunch and it happens again and I feel horrible. My partner seems to be occasionally sympathetic to my point of view but has the attitude of ‘well it’s my crazy family, I can’t do anything about it’. It’s the most recent development of him saying I think his family is inferior and they need to “tip toe” around me that really upset me as it made me feel alone in this, like we aren’t facing it together, like I’m the crazy one, and like it’s really not a big deal to him that his family behaves like that, they’re just being their ‘crazy’ selves. :(

From what you've said his family IS inferior. Their standards of behaviour are far lower than you - or most people - expect.

Talking like that to DC is grim. It's abusive. It's illegal. You're not being over sensitive at all. I wouldn't put up with it either.

I would be very cautious about having a family with this man. We all tend to revert to learned behaviour when our DC are born. I remember being very grateful for my loving childhood when I had my own. It gave me a grounding that people brought up in dysfunctional families struggle to achieve.

The older I get the more I appreciate how lucky I am to have been brought up in a functional home. Your DP has not. It sounds like he accepts the way his family are, and this can only be a bad thing for you going forward.

Sorry, you probably don't want to be advised to end the relationship, but I wouldn't want to be seriously involved with a family like that. They will be your DC's grandparents, aunts and uncles.

His sister and brother in law yell and swear at each other over the dinner table at times saying they hope the other dies or commits suicide.

What the actual fuck. Who even says that to their partner? Let alone what they say to their kids! Honestly, his family sound like the sort you’d see on Jeremy Kyle.

Yea your partner’s family is fucked in the head, your partner, being that he was brought up with that behaviour probably is too, hence why he doesn’t disagree with it and thinks that you have some sort of superiority complex, when in fact, you are normal and not been subjected to a fucked up childhood.

You may have been together for ‘several years’, but if you want kids, I would end the relationship today and look elsewhere. Well unless of course that is you want to end up back here in another 5 or so years asking why your kids are telling you to fuck off and your husband is calling you a cunt and threatening to kill you. Your choice.

He is showing you that he does not have the same values as you and as pointed out this is child abuse and it is tolerated in his family.

I would not bother to engage him on this since you don't change values. When someone shows you who they are LISTEN, in 2 relationships I have ignored the warning signs and it has been at high cost to me. I so wish I could go back and shake myself.

They sound awful. I can only imagine the awkwardness you must feel when it all kicks off! I suppose that, having been brought up like this, it has become their norm. But believe me, it would sound abusive and batshit crazy to anyone on the outside.

Honestly, his family sound like the sort you’d see on Jeremy Kyle

Sounds like his family would lower the tone on Jeremy Kyle.

Honestly OP I would think very carefully about creating a family with this man. He doesn’t seem to think that there is anything wrong and his comment about walking on eggshells around you is worrying.

I agree with a pp that you should seriously consider breaking up if you want children in the future. What happens when the grandparents want to look after the kids? Family functions? Even if your kids aren’t the ones being directly abused, I’d still not want my children to witness it either

It's your right not to be exposed to that sort of environment and I would, personally, stop attending any family occasions. I think it comes down to the standards we're willing to accept. I couldn't comfortably eat a meal with abuse going on around me. If you carry on now it'll be very very hard to stop contact once you have your own child ( assuming you wouldn't dream of exposing a child to this vile behaviour)