How to move on when I have to see him

[plotmissinginaction]

Got involved with someone briefly two years ago, he got over it, I did not. Stayed ‘friends’ as we work together. He’s getting married. I feel horrendous. He doesn’t know how I feel, I’ve just pretend to be fine all this time but have spent most of the last year or so crying. It would be better if I never saw him (or his fiancé who also is in the same building) but I can’t completely avoid it. I feel ashamed of myself for not moving on.

I think it doesn’t help that I don’t have much in the way of emotional support in my life. I feel so lonely and sad. And I can’t seem to clear my system of the rejection. She’s very pretty and posh and younger than me and I feel so ashamed of who I am. And I miss him. And then I feel silly about it because he doesn’t feel the same way. At all. Obviously. I really need to move on, I’m not sure how when I can’t go NC. I can’t sleep and I’m talking to myself on a forum. It’s all a bit pathetic.

You have to make decision, if not seeing him would help the healing process then you need to prioritise not seeing him, which means finding somewhere else to work.

Torturing yourself by pretending to be ‘his friend’ is maybe some form of self flagellation, which keeps feeding your self hatred.

Prioritise your MH.

At this point, you really need to look for another job.

Also, think about some counselling, as you sound really low?

I would struggle to move on when still in contact with an ex.

Is how I am wired especially if they ended it, for me a relationship is a sort of death ( an end ) so I have to say goodbye to that person .. i have bumped into ex and found when I have no feelings and have moved on then friendship can commence ... it’s how I let go ... so for your situation I don’t think I would be doing any better prob worse.

If you can love jobs or distance yourself as much as possible it will help the wound heal As this situation is preventing healing ... it’s always harder for the one left behind, it’s not pathetic... it took me about 3 years to get over my first love 💕

Now I wonder what I saw in him 😂 romantically anyway.

Any space you can find yourself please do, plan time with friends and concentrate on spending time on you, girls holiday in 2020?

Work I’m moving aspects of your life forward and before you know it emotionally you will move on too x x

Thank you, the word distance is really useful. Today I realised how the friend thing hasn’t helped at all. And when I say friend I mean we actually still sometimes spend time together, yesterday we went for lunch. At the time it’s always great and I was so determined to keep that but afterwards I felt sick and it’s often that way. I didn’t want to lose him completel, I don’t have other friends really, but it’s not sustainable for me. I can’t get myself to a place where I can guarantee I won’t see him, we run in the same circles so to speak and that’s also partly why I’ve tried to make it all ok, I didn’t want to feel awkward and humiliated every time I ran into him or anxious about the possibility but I need to take a step away as much as I can. If I can’t handle it after almost two years it’s not going to happen.

It sounds like you keep making excuses to be around him, less can’t, more won’t. Make the decision to move on because you staying stuck, whatever the current pay off is for staying stuck, will not benefit you in the long run.

It’s less about him and more about the fantasy about being in a relationship.

You need to go away by yourself for a few weeks. Clear your head. Be nowhere near him.

You’re Ivy from The Holiday!

Be honest with him about how you feel and say your friendship can't continue because you find it too hard to deal with him moving on. Then distance yourself and start job hunting.

First of all, you're not pathetic. This happens and can take years to get over. I don't think you'll ever move on seeing him so often though. I was in a similar situation 10 years ago and I moved jobs. It was hard as I loved my job but it was the lesser of two evils. I also tried to be more outgoing, I took up nightclasses to try and make new friends. I don't know if you can still properly 'grieve' for the relationship while still seeing him xx

You aren't pathetic or silly. Cut the friendship - no more lunches, chats, phone contact etc. It will be painful in the short term but much better long term. Give that a chance and see if it helps. If it doesn't help, look for a new job. However, him getting married might be the final push you need to get him out of your system iyswim?

I think I thought I’d get over it and somehow still get to keep him as a friend. It’s taken this long to realise I’m kidding myself. I can’t leave this work set up but there are projects we share that I can extract myself from. He’s mentioned looking for another job and that would be just fine I think. I’ve been in some kind of daft stupor or something. I felt so ashamed I thought I’d feel better if he at least didn’t discard me totally. Yesterday after lunch I realised I’d got what I wanted, we are friends, and it still feels awful. So I’ve been a double idiot I suppose. I’ve thought about telling him but if I then have to see him about knowing he knows, I don’t think I can do that. I am hoping I can sort of secretly distance myself. He’s about to get married, I think he’ll be too busy to really notice.

No, don't tell him about your feelings for him. That would be very awkward and potentially humiliating.

That’s what I thought.

I actually feel a little relief having just made a decision about it. I’ve been so caught up in what to do for so long, what a waste of energy. I need some actual friends, ones I haven’t slept with! I think that would make a big difference.

Often when we struggle with healing from loss we need to look inside to heal.

You maybe lonely and have low self esteem so this man may have represented more than he should.

Start today thinking that you will rebuild your life, focus on yourself and build your self love. Who else do you have in your life?
Family/friends? YouTube gas lots of videos on self love.

@plotmissinginaction

I sympathise because I'm exactly the same. Probably worse! It takes me many years to get over a relationship break up, even when I'm with someone else. I'm tied to my ex because we have children together and it still hurts.

I second what everyone else says - rip off the plaster and distance yourself - it's easier if you don't have to get a new job, but if you do - then so be it. Find a focus - something to keep you busy, an interest / hobby where you can meet other people.

Also - don't go to the wedding! OP. Look after yourself. You're far from alone.

I’m not invited to the wedding! His fiancé doesn’t like me. I couldn’t have gone anyway. I’m dreading it even from a distance.

He is a lot like my dad so I’m playing out some old pattern of being unwanted. I feel he’s better then me and who was I to even think he’d want to be with someone like me. I wanted to stay friends so I didn’t feel totally discarded but it’s backfired by dragging the whole thing out for months. Bottom line is I feel unloved and unloveable and I need to deal with that.

And it’s helps to hear that other have found this kind of thing hard, makes me feel less foolish.

This actually makes me so sad. You deserve so much more than this. I’m quite sure he’s not better than you!

You are certainly not alone in finding yourself still drawn to someone you previously had a strong attraction towards.

A friend of mine had a FWB situation with a colleague. It wasn’t right for a number of reasons. She broke it off, changed jobs, moved away and didn’t see or contact him for years. She told me that one day she drove through his area and saw him standing outside his house (which was on a main road). She was so drawn to him that she had actually parked her car and started to get out before thinking ‘wtf am I doing’ and driving off again.

I also wonder about your feelings towards his fiancée. Are there some ways in which you would like to be more like her yourself? We don’t have to stay the same our whole lives. Or perhaps there are things you can do to develop your own self- esteem and sense of valuing who you are?

Finally, it might also help you to cultivate new friendships. I had to do this once and found it easier than I expected - I realised that it was just a case of opening myself up friendly overtures that I might have previously not bothered to pursue (on the basis that I already had friends).

Oh and mute him on social media!

Can't you get a new job, then you won't have to continuously see him? And you might meet some nice new people!

I really do sympathise. I've been in the position of feeling rejected and lost, wanting more than anything to move on but not quite being able to.
But do you want to be in the same head space you're in now this time next year.. or the year after that? If not, you need to make a big change. Take yourself out of the vicinity he is in and break the routine of thinking about him constantly. Also perhaps some therapy sessions, talking is always good.

Watch 'Holiday' the movie on Netflix. Your situation sounds identical.
Sounds like the marriage announcement is also a turning point. At least now you have certainty. That hurts acutely right now, but you've already started to really move on. You have been suspended, putting your life on hold, waiting for this man. The brakes are now off and you can and will start having a real life now.

Thankfully I didn't work with my ex, but would have found it extremely difficult if we did. I left mine one night after finding out he was cheating and blocked all contact since. It has been much easier to 'get over' the relationship six months on. If I were you I'd minimise the contact if you are finding it hurful and consider moving jobs.

I really can't be away from that workplace at the moment but I can drop one of the joint things we work on so I need to do that asap. I am very grateful to all who have taken the time to respond kindly, I didn't realise how much I needed to talk about it. It's really the most rejected I've ever felt. But I am constantly re-working the rejection the way I am currently doing things. God I feel so sad, I really thought I'd find a way to hold on to the relationship in some form. It's still lots of fun when we are together but the fall out isn't worth it.

How do I feel about her? Jealous. She's everything I am not. She's thinner and prettier and kind of posh. I had a very dysfunctional childhood, she's been brought up by loving parents and she's quite proper. Upper middle class. I feel kind of scummy next to her. She's very polished.

But no - this head space is appalling. I have to do something different.

How long were you together op?