When to divorce ?

[Oleanderrules]

I don't know where to start with this to be honest

Married with children for ten years and our relationship has been about twenty years .
I am not sure that I want to spend the next twenty years with him.

There have been so many highs and lows in our forties - I am turning fifty soon and think it might be time to end things

We are having marriage counselling at the moment but I feel the progress has been so slow and minimal ... is that normal

Also I question whether I even like my DH , I feel I do love him but that's more because he's the father to our kids

He also had a brief emotional affair last year which I discovered and am still working through that

In lots of ways I feel I have grown up over the last twenty years and he is a man child

I feel I am ranting on .... sorry ! I just feel so frustrated as I do not know what to do . Am worried that I will divorce him and regret it in a few years

I got divorced in my 40s. About 15 years after I should have done. My ExH had several affairs and I did everything I could to hold my marriage together but I could not rebuild trust. I have no regrets and am remarried, happy and content. He loves me for who I am.

You only get one go at this life.

Machinebee thank you
Did you feel that your husband tries to change you / was dissatisfied with how you were as a person ?

I think it depends on the issues, the emotional affair will be tough to recover from but is he making amends?

I think 40s are a period of growth for women, it signals the end of child bearing years and we often feel more comfortable in our own skin.

On the other hand divorce is no walk in the park and I think you need to be 100% sure you have tried everything before leaving.

Could this be a low phase in your marriage or are there elements that you still like about him?

My DH also had an EA 2 yrs ago. I wwnt through a whole host of emotions...panic, hurt, shock, love and now hate. There is no trust there on my part, Im miserable and moody all the time I go over in my mind the deceit and the hurt and distress he caused me. Im not the same person I was... he's ruined everything and he just carries on as if all's ok..he hates confrontation. We have a DS 14 and it was the sheer panic on my part that made me stay in the marriage as didnt want to unsettle DS. Ive noticed the other month that he looks up women from work on FB and has a nosey on their profile and I just felt sick. He lies all the time even about little things. Im a real mug really am. I will at some point end it I cant imagine living this miserable life for another 20/30 years.

He's making amends for the emotional affair but I feel the trust has gone and I am not sure I can trust him again

I am not miserable in fact I feel pretty strong - there are good sides to him and us - it's just that I am not sure any more and I hate feeling like that !

I am annoyed at myself for being so indecisive and I fear that I am wasting my life while I wait to make a decision

If we didn't have children it would be different

Ive been with my dh for twenty years. Married ten. Im 40. He left a few years ago for two years after several years of just being a bit shit, thoughtless and other big issues. No affair though. He hasnt changed since i let him come home. He is the same. I thought i was doing the best thing for the children letting him come back, but he adds nothing to my life and actively makes it harder. And he is a moodly fucker so the children are stressed too. I told him to go anywhere else tonight. I can’t look at him tonight. No idea where he is. He just took enough clothes for tonight and his toothbrush. He hasnt tried to contact me. I keep looking in the mirror recently at the greying hair and wrinkles and get angry i let him steal my youth.

I dont want to be here at 50 :(

I am filing in the next few days. He doesn’t know yet that I am this close, although it won’t be a total surprise.
As a friend of mine, who is almost on the other end of it - you’ll know when you are ready. And that’s when it becomes so unbearable to continue trying to be together, or pretending that it’s all still OK.

It took me almost two years from the day when I knew it was over. From that last, final drop, that straw that finally broke that back, etc....
I knew it was over, but acting on it was not easy. Kids, being scared about impact on them... Practicalities, fears, etc....

And I kept waiting. God knows for what. Hoping that maybe he would make a first move. Meet someone, have an affair and leaves...
And finally, he did give me a present. He did something that I had to react to, thus setting the process in motion.

It will be painful for a while. And then it will be better for all concerned. For him just as well.

You know, I think some marriages just run their course and it's done. No big issue. No big betrayal. Just not in the same place anymore. And when you are at that point, nothing is right. I don't know if this is where you are at but I think that looking for a "good enough" reason to leave is not always helpful.

Thanks for all your messages
I feel that I have outgrown him in lots of ways . He still wants to me to be the woman he met twenty years ago. A lot has happened in that time and I feel I have grown into a nicer / better person
I also feel like I am his parent at times - he is just so irresponsible and I find it wearing

I see that there will be pain for a while but then it will be better - I just fear that pain and have this desperate hope that things will improve

Sorry to delay responding OP. Yes my ExH was emotional abusive and occasionally physically. He constantly criticised me and anything that didn’t go right for him was always my fault. I didn’t leave sooner as I believed everything was my fault for not being a good enough wife. He had affairs - and they were apparently my fault too. I hid it all and took a long time to tell anyone. When I did finally open up properly to my DSis and best friend they were brilliant. Both had suspected as much but didn’t know for sure and were wary of interfering.

I did also mention one of his affairs to a college friend some years before and her comment stayed with me for a long time. It was ‘You don’t have to leave him now or doing anything now. You can decide to do nothing or leave when you are ready to go. It is entirely your choice.’ She was a very wise 21 year old!

"If we didn't have children it would be different"

You would leave him?. Do not be so afraid of change or the unknown.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is your H actually still meeting here?. Why do you think you could regret divorcing him?. He has already had one emotional affair, how much more are you going to tolerate from him?. He is really playing you for a fool here.

Your man has not changed to date and he is unlikely to change going forward as well. You can only change how you react to him.

You cannot really stay with him just for the child's sake; its not fair on that person to place what is really here a heavy burden on him. Would you be wanting him as an adult to stay in such a relationship, no you would not. Teaching children emotionally healthy lessons about relationships is what they also need, teaching them that a loveless marriage could be their norm too is not on.

If there is no trust now either there is really no relationship.

OP it may still be early days for you...you maybe able to turn it around and live happily ever after?

A year after DH EA I think I was in denial that "all would be ok if we plod along". Now after more silly things on his part - ie. stupid lies, thoughtlessness etc. another year on and I just think you know what I deserve better than this. It all started with DH when he started mixing with new "friends" at the golf club - all wealthy, live the high life, letchy behaviour but the wives "turn a blind eye" Im sure because of the luxury lifestyle they lead. DH went on a stag do and met this OW - or so he says but the messages I saw from people who had only met for 12 days on were not of people who had just met for a few hours one night.

We DONOT live like this...DH tries to keep up with them and has changed. He denies it but I can quite clearly see how he has changed.

Makes me so sad as there was nothing wrong with our marriage before I think he got swept away with the aborharant behaviour of these guys and thought he's play as well. Ive had enough time to analyse and see what he's done. But too late the hurt he's caused me and as someone else has said it's aged me. Im also 51 now and feel 61, I have jowls because Im so miserable and never crack a smile!

I want to be with someone who idolises me, makes me laugh, makes for happy, cuddles me and holds my hand, spoils me - everything my DH did 2 years ago for 23 years but now it's gone :(

I think we need to keep your thread going OP it will help us all dont you think?

I think your heart already knows the answer it's just convincing the head. All I can tell you from my own personal experience is on the day I walked out of my marriage ,was the biggest weight lifted from my shoulders, I was shit scared with two kids in tow but I'd come to the point where I felt absolutely nothing, not anger or hate just numb to him. Mine was a drinker and my skin used to crawl when I heard that crack of the next can ... I went to work one morning and it was like a light switch moment... I just thought I can not do this anymore... I told him when I got gone I didn't love him and I was leaving, he chased for a week, the following week he took the kids out and while my son was playing on his phone at their quality time at the service station he found he'd joined a dating app , so he soon moved on , after 18 years of marriage, actually we will have been divorced 2 years this December and he's getting married in June so happy days all round I think I did us both the favour as he has found happiness and everyone deserves that. I wish you luck and strength in what ever decision you come to but remember one life, be happy x

Another one here who felt nothing but relief when I uttered the words ‘I want a divorce’. OP - Only you can know if your marriage is salvageable but experienced hands here prove it is possible to leave and be happy.

Yes I think I could be happier divorced

The issues raised such as being blamed, him drinking too much , being impressed by wealthy people all resonate with me

It is a heart versus head thing and I do feel I should divorce but still love and hate him too

I am a lot happier when he's away with work

He's the one who suggested marriage counselling which I didn't really want to do . I have gone from someone terrified of divorce to someone who thinks I could cope with it
He has gone from thinking divorce is an attractive option to being dead set against it

I don't feel the counselling sessions have changed him much / at all

He's clearly itching to offload a lot of bitterness and blame onto me at the sessions and it just hasn't happened . I get the impression that the counsellor doesn't like him that much and she tells me off for the way he refers to me amongst other things

I don't feel the need to leave him for another man . I just want to be on my own with the kids . I think it would take a while for me to even think of another partner . In the past from my late teens I have been a serial dater and I need to not be in a couple

I am sure he would be here there and everywhere dating and this makes me sad / angry / insanely jealous at the thought of it . Is that normal ?

I would kindly urge you to collect as much financial income as possible. Remember to include details of his income, savings and pensions. Make sure you have birth (including your DCs) and marriage certificates, life insurance and mortgage info, and passports for yourself and the DCs.

If he has now changed his attitude to divorce it’s because he’s realised how much it will cost him. The fact he’s against it could mean he’s trying to put you off the scent while he squirrels away his escape fund. They all try that one - my solicitor had a lot of fun revealing my ExHs!

It also sounds likes he’s ‘read the script’. This is the story they all tell which changes their history with you to suit their reasons for what went wrong that leaves them blameless.

Gather together as much info as you can and please do see a solicitor- even if just to find out how the land lies for you.

Thanks a MachineBee - I did see a solicitor about a month ago and I would be in a good enough position financially if we divorced and I have a lot of information on his financial situation
I am just in a limbo at the moment and feeling lost

Am concerned the fact that I care if he meets someone else means that I am not ready to leave him

A good friend of mine is separating from her partner at the moment and she is actively encouraging him to meet someone new
She's either a better person than me ( Clearly I have jealousy issues ) or she is more ready / prepared to separate

Opposite way round here but I'm in a tough place financially as I earn far lower and kids are adults. I'm meeting a friend whose a solicitor whose going to give me some advice about spousal support or what I could expect (I'm hoping for the house as a clean break as 1/4 of the equity was mine to start with and his pension plan is worth a lot)

Don’t expect to feel the same as others. Emotions are complex and can affect different people differently.

My experience was different to friends who divorced and a lot depends on whether you initiate the split or they do. I was so relieved when we split but it didn’t stop me feeling jealous when he remarried a couple of years later. In fact that was my only big wobble about him. He’d been an arse about the divorce and dragged things on longer than necessary but next thing we know he’s getting married. The week before he announced his engagement, he’d sent me a long rambling letter saying it could all have been so different and he realised he’d not been a good husband, how I was the love of his life, his soulmate blah, blah, blah. He nearly got me with that one until the last page when he couldn’t help himself but threw in a couple of things criticising me.

I knew I didn’t want to be with him but at that point my emotions were still raw and I hated seeing him at family gatherings. But within a couple more years I found I felt very little of anything for him.

When he turned up for our youngest’s graduation I didn’t even recognise him. He’d turned into a very old man even though he was only 3 years older than me. I think it was at that point that I realised he had lost all his power over me and the only emotion I felt towards him was pity.

I admire couples who can remain on good terms but that depends on the reasons the relationship breaks down. I couldn’t do that with my ExH.

One last thing. My ExH died 8 years after our split and I did feel sad. But it was more that my DDs has lost their DF than any regret we weren’t together. But weirdly there was even more relief that he could never hurt me again and it just showed what a strong hold he’d had on me for all those years.

Also agree that sometimes marriages just run out of steam, sometimes not for lack of trying. Mine did and whilst we remain agreeable with each other we will never be friends, to much water under the bridge. I don't hold any ill will towards her but equally I wouldn't want to socialise with her beyond what is required for the children. Both her and I are much happier now so I see that as a positive all around, and the kids are happy. In truth we should have split years earlier than we did and both suffered as a result, but eventually got there amicably.

All helpful advice and insight on divorce

Of course I still am not sure what to do

It's like a fog / mist and when it eventually lifts I will know

Am concerned the fact that I care if he meets someone else means that I am not ready to leave him

Ex was emotionally abusive and I needed to leave but I still felt attached to him. There are bonds which tie a couple and infact a trauma bond can be stronger in abusive marriages. We still had lots of physical attraction which made it tougher.

Marriage counselling won't change him as the aim is to help you communicate effectively so that your needs are met.

What does he need to do to keep you in the marriage?

Divorce can be awful, especially if a partner makes its hostile..mine did and it was brutal, worse than I ever imagined but it is a process and at the end the marriage will end and then you can move on. Recovery is often measured from when divorce is finalised not from separation.

I think of you try all avenues, such as counselling, communicating your needs, look to see if you need to change your life to be happier and you still feel very unhappy then separation is the natural step.
Start a journal - when you see weeks of unhappiness it does firm up your thoughts.