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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate my In Laws

25 replies

Duoscoo · 01/04/2019 18:27

I am sick to the back teeth of the lot of them.

MIL is controlling and I find her quite creepy in her ways. For example she’ll start silently filming arguments robust discussions between other members of the family as well as the dcs when they are ill.

FIL is stubborn and dogmatic. Financially abusive (wouldn’t let MIL have access to joint bank account until recently when MIL started getting a pension).

SIL is a bully and drama llama. She is very spoilt and throws tantrums at the age of 35 if she doesn’t get her own way.

I should have known I’d end up hating them from the beginning when DH would drop little hints like, for example, if a new person joined SIL’s workplace and she was female, DH would give a little laugh and say “well she won’t last long! SIL can’t have another woman competing”.

I hate them so much. I hate having to see them, resent having to spend time with them.

Unsurprisingly it’s driving a wedge between DH and me. I know it’s causing him a lot of distress.

To be fair though, they don’t know how much I hate them. Well, unless DH has mentioned it which I really don’t think he has. I am always super polite and friendly around them. But I feel like I’m dying inside whenever I have to see them which is around twice a month.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can cope with the in-laws without heading for divorce?

OP posts:

Tomtontom · 01/04/2019 18:32

Hate is a disproportionately strong emotion for people that, whilst annoying, have done nothing to harm you. Perhaps your husband might be more understanding if you're more rational in your own feelings?

Chocolateisfab · 01/04/2019 18:34

No law says you have to see them.
I would take up a new hobby. Dh can use that time to visit them.

Rtmhwales · 01/04/2019 18:36

Can you not just stop being around them so much? Let your DH take the kids over if he wants to see them and they want to see the DC. Enjoy some free time.

PerfectPeony2 · 01/04/2019 18:38

Only see them once a month instead? Or do a planned activity where you meet somewhere or go for lunch and leave? Make yourself unavailable or like a PP said- get DH to go alone for an hour and have some time to yourself.

Original poster

Duoscoo · 01/04/2019 18:39

I think the hate stems from when DH and I were first dating and they disapproved of me and tried to convince DH to end the relationship early on.

The reason they didn’t like me was because DH used to spend a lot of time with them and when we met, he instead spent most weekends with me as we were in a LDR and weekends were the only time we had.

I don’t think they ever forgave me for “taking him away” from the hub of the family. Even though we spend EOW with them, it’s not enough.

SIL sees them most days as they are only a short drive away.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2019 18:39

I agree that “hate” is a strong emotion. Are you sure you hate them? I mean I hate Hitler and other mass murderers but I dislike my MIL who is v controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

The way I cope with it is to not see them very much. Dh visits on his own more and when I do see them, I can cope with it as it only happens every other month.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/04/2019 18:40

don't spend time with people you dislike. Try to make alternative arrangements whilst your DH and kids visit them.

Patienceisvirtuous · 01/04/2019 18:40

Don’t give them so much power over your feelings. Just chill and keep a healthy distance, emotionally and physically - while also being reasonable of course.

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2019 18:40

Sorry x posted re the hate.

Does your H like spending time with them?

Original poster

Duoscoo · 01/04/2019 18:42

I wish I only saw them every other month! I envy you Lizzie!

I’m probably going to have to bite the bullet with DH as say he can go on his own to see his family. I just know it’s going to cause a huge problem though.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 01/04/2019 18:43

You say 'whenever I Have to see them'. The thing is you really don't have to see them. If your Dh visits them so be it. You dont have to go - stay home, visit your own family/friends, just do your own thing. If your Dh invites them over to visit your home you don't have to sit in entertaining them. You can head out. There is no reason you have to spend time with these people twice a month or even once a month. People need to realise they marry their partner, not the extended family. Do yourself a favour and next time just tell Dh you are not visiting/staying in while they visit.

BillywigSting · 01/04/2019 18:46

While I think hate might be a bit of a strong word I do sympathise.

I'm reasonably lucky in that my in laws consist solely of mil (bitch) and sil (nice enough but lives at the opposite end of the country).

Mil does not approve of me at all, in fact her response to dp announcing our engagement was apparently 'you can do better'.

Dp has thankfully put her quite firmly back in her place when she really tried it on after ds was born but it's difficult to have any respect let alone warmth towards someone who quite clearly wishes you would just go away and let her have dp and ds all to her self.

She has apparently not approved of a single romantic partner either of her children have had though so I try not to take it too personally.

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2019 18:48

You just have to make other plans. Say you’re meeting a friend/need to do some work/find a hobby which you need to go to at the time he usually visits. (You obviously don’t have to go anywhere but just have an excuse).

Does your H like going and who will have a problem with you not going?

ukgift2016 · 01/04/2019 18:48

I enjoy seeing my family on my own as do they. I don't understand why you have to go as a team all the time?

If they have a problem with seeing their son on their own! Well I think that is very strange.

HollowTalk · 01/04/2019 18:50

Oh why did you marry him?! You knew they were going to be a problem. How long is your visit? I would try to get out of every other visit at least, and I'd tell MIL that I wouldn't come again if she was going to film arguments - that is really horrible.

Original poster

Duoscoo · 01/04/2019 18:58

Does your H like going and who will have a problem with you not going?

He doesn’t mind going and gets on well with his family but that’s mainly because he’s easy going and learnt since birth that as long as he always gives way, he’ll get along fine.

I, on the other hand, struggle to keep my composure when I see DH being bullied yet again by SIL’s demands. It’s actually mainly her who needs DH to make family weekends a priority as she doesn’t have any friends and family is very important to her. I think she is quite immature and her way of dealing with adult life is to regress at the weekend into family dynamics of the past.

The irony is that I think everyone would be happier if I wasn’t there! But DH would be very torn between seeing his family and spending time with me as the weekends are all we really have to do quality things together. This way, in his mind, he is pleasing everyone when the reality is that he’s pleasing no-one.

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 01/04/2019 19:01

Keep them at an emotional distance. Be polite when you see them but don't a share your thoughts, beliefs or any plans. Keep them at a 'distance' and keep dealings with them more superficial. To his way they won't drain you so much.
I'd also cut down the visits to monthly. Tell OH that one of those weekends you are planning on doing something for yourself, ie meeting a friend or whatever.
To them you are simply 'busy'.
If OH starts talking about his family I'd simply listen and not offer an opinion or discuss them. Don't let them cause a rift.

Pearlsandgems · 01/04/2019 20:57

Wow aren't people allowed to hate others now? It's a forum and this op is venting. Just let them be surely?

Drum2018 · 01/04/2019 22:13

Your dh needs to grow up and get his priorities right. You are his immediate family now and he doesn't get to dictate that you need to visit the inlaws every second weekend. And you need to stand up for yourself and tell him you are not happy with this ridiculous arrangement to appease his sister. I'd just tell him I'm not going anymore, or maybe go every two months instead of every two weeks. If you continue as you are you will end up resenting him hugely for effectively pushing you to visit his awful family.

redwoodmazza · 02/04/2019 10:27

I never got on with my in-laws.
Only have MIL now.
Luckily she lives about 300 miles away.
I don't have any contact with her and now leave it up to DH to buy her cards for birthday, Mother's Day etc.

I have told my DH that I have no intention of going to her funeral, whenever it may be...

Mix56 · 02/04/2019 10:51

EOW, seriously ?
No way, even if I lived my family would I go a spend EO whole W. (is it far away ?)
Your DH is not SIL's prop.
You are married & have your own lives.
No, Just No

Mix56 · 02/04/2019 10:53

loved !

IdaBWells · 02/04/2019 11:01

Change the visits to once a month and then gradually start dropping out until you see them every other month or less.

RatherBeRiding · 02/04/2019 11:08

EOW is way too much. Your DH needs to start prioritising you and your relationship and leave his family to their little dramas, but by the sound of it you might have a job on your hands.

You need to be both of the same mind regarding frequency of visits - that's your starting point. And then present a united front in the face of family tantrums.

I'd definitely cut visits to 1 weekend in 3 to begin with, then once a month. And would probably then only accompany DH every other visit.

You are adults. You have your own lives. His family have their lives and they really shouldn't be able to get away with dictating to you both how often you visit.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2019 19:34

But DH would be very torn between seeing his family and spending time with me as the weekends are all we really have to do quality things together

You live together and it's not quality time between you when you're at your inlaws.

Every 2 weeks is too much. Stop going as often and leave him to it.

Go and see your own family or friends. Such stipulated diarised visits are stifling.

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