Dp is being slow to move forward due to past experiences but it's making me jumpy due to mine!

[RaisinHellfire]

I'm trying not to make this very long as there are so many ins and outs to it. But essentially dp had a horrific time with his last 2 (long term) exes, the first of which ghosted him in horrendous circumstances after a year together (this was around 5 years ago and he was totally in love with her) and the second had a very serious health breakdown (after a car accident where she had a nasty head injury) which was incredibly upsetting for all involved. He has had short relationships since then but nothing that has lasted more than a few months. We are both late 40s/early 50s.

we have known each other about 9 months now but in that time probably only seen each other twice a month with a long gap over Xmas/NY when both of us were abroad one after the other - so I would say we've only seen each other around 14 times.

We get on like a house on fire. His friends think we are brilliant together, we are extremely happy in each other's company and we have so much fun together. Every single date or weekend away we have been on has ended with us both being devastated that we have to wait to see each other again.

The problem is this whole being hesitant to move forward is ringing alarm bells with me. It's making me think he isn't keen and that something else is going on.

I've asked him about it and he wants to take things really slowly - that he thinks I am 'the one' and he doesn't want to rush and muck it up. But this is SO slow, I am worried I can't maintain it. Part of me thinks I'm being stupidly impatient and unfair on someone who has been brave enough to be honest about how he feels and the other part of me is really worried I'm being taken for a mug and he's breadcrumbing me (one of my adult dcs pointed this term out to me!).

All sounds a bit overwrought to me which is never a good sign. I don't understand the 'devastation' at the end of each date

I suggest you have a chat with him if you want to see him more often. Is that what you're after? Or declarations of love?

Probably the best thing to do is to work out what you want from him. And also ensure your life is full with other things and not just mooning around over this bloke who seems a bit of a drama llama from what you describe

well I've just said can we try and see each other more often. He says yes and we agree and then it never happens. Goes back to being every 2 weeks.

I want a relationship with someone. I've been clear about that. And seeing someone twice a month doesn't fit that (in my head). I have wondered whether that 'could' be a relationship but I don't think it fits the definition in my head.

I wouldn’t be happy with once every 2 weeks.

Can you try to make it clear that you want to see each other at least once a week and progress to a proper relationship

yes I have made it really clear. We went away last weekend (we came back a week ago yesterday) and I said very clearly this is what I need. He agrees then there always seems to be a reason why we can't. So between me and him we didn't have a spare evening last week. This weekend, he had a friend visiting from abroad and then this week, the first night he is free, I am away with work but back the next day. So the first time we will see each other is just under 2 weeks after the last time we did.

the problem is that we do both have busy lives but we don't live that far apart - there's no reason (in my mind) why he couldn't have maybe nipped out for an hour for a coffee with me for example over the weekend. I think even if you have a friend staying, I don't think that's too much to ask but maybe I'm wrong.

It is making me a feel a bit 'he's just not that into you' but he insists that's not it at all and that it's the opposite and he's just trying to stop himself falling really hard and keeping some balance in his life! He talks to me every day so it's not like he's disappearing.

maybe I need to set a deadline in my head of how long I can continue this

How long is it since you mentioned meeting once a week? Has he had time to alter plans to make time to meet you? I know that I’d need two or three weeks of adjusting weekends to adapt to this. I guess I’d be asking is it that he can’t meet you more often or he doesn’t want to make the effort to change? It’s also sounding a bit intense given it’s early in the relationship. Would a halfway point be to have a lengthy Skype call on the weekends you’re not meeting in person?

I think there are some serious red flags here. For whatever reason, he's not willing to take things to the next level. Fair enough, his right. But meeting someone every two weeks is not a relationship. Do you talk/text daily at least so that you'r engaged in each other's lives?

But basically, it sounds like he only wants to see you when he doesn't have anything else going on. Which is really more of a FWB kind of thing from my perspective.

To be fair if one or both of you end up devastated when it's time to part ways, then seeing your for an hour seems like it will cause upset for not much of a gain.

Have you slept with him?

Well, if you want to see each other more you both have to free up the time and space for that to happen.

You’re both busy but you need to make time. High-powered couples find time for each other. You can too, if you want the same things.

Hello OP.

Sounds very similar to the situation I was in until recently. We got along really well, sex was great, long conversations and we really clicked.

But he wouldn’t commit to meeting up and it turned into once every two weeks. I told him what my needs were (once a week at the very least) and he couldn’t meet them. It no longer made me happy so I ended it. Still feel gutted about it, but it became too angsty. It’s a shame but sometimes there’s no point in flogging a dead horse and putting someone else’s needs before your own.

You both need to make time then.
Cancel or rearrange other things to fit time together in.

Devastated may have been the wrong word - I mean it's more like every date ends and we both say 'why aren't we seeing each other more when it's so fantastic, wish you didn't have to go etc etc' and then we go back to life and it doesn't happen.

I mentioned it again the weekend we were away (so over a week ago now) so he may not have had time to adjust but this is the second time I've explicitly mentioned it.

Yes we've slept with each other. We talk every day (not on the phone but on WhatsApp - when he wakes up he says hi and it continues through the day).

Thanks this has helped clarify my thoughts tbh. I'm going to give it another few weeks as both of us had time to clear our diaries and if nothing materialises, I will have to do a fonduefrollcs. I'm just v wary of men who talk a good game but don't deliver with the actions.