How to stop being lonely when you’re an introvert who doesn’t like socialising?

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

I’m not really expecting an answer. I realise how silly this is.

On the offchance, has anyone been able to train themselves to not hate social situations? Or to even enjoy them?

I socialise around by hobbies, so I meet like minded people.

And I prefer to meet up with one or two others rather than large groups, though that’s not always practical.

I avoid parties and pubs which I find noisy and stressful .

What's a 'social situation', to you? I.e. is going to the cinema or having coffee 1 on 1 a 'social situation' that you hate, or is it just that you hate big parties and group occasions?

If it's the latter I'd say it's probably more productive to accept your socialising style and have a few strategies for the group situations but mostly arrange your socialising 1 on 1 or in small groups as you prefer... if it's the former, you realise you've got a bit of a contradiction in terms, presumably? Can you really be lonely if you hate seeing people?

What is it about social situations that you hate?

Alternatively, avoid 'social situations' and interact with people (with whatever degree of intensity you want) in other spheres.

Join a local theatre group. Or a choir.
Take up an evening class.
Or a postgrad degree.
Go on a guided walking, cycling tour with total strangers.
Get a dog and take it for training.

None of these necessarily involve standing around with a glass in your hand making pointless smalltalk.

to you? I.e. is going to the cinema or having coffee 1 on 1

This would generally be fine if it’s with a close friend. I only really have one person I’m comfortable doing that with. I do have others that I have coffee with and while outwardly I may look comfortable, inside I’m really cringeing. I don’t know why!

Big parties and groups I avoid wherever possible.

I realise I’m being contradictory btw! I do know that and see that. I am definitely lonely however. on a daily basis I only see/talk to my children. I work alone, I’m self employed (this is deliberate as that’s how I like it) if left to my own devices and I didn’t need to work I probably wouldn’t leave the house other than the school run although I know due to past experience this makes me very depressed.

I see neighbours with their sisters/mothers/daughters/friend’s visiting and going off together and people on FB sharing little trips out with friends and I don’t have that with anyone. Which is almost certainly due to my personality not being open to that. So I would like to be more comfortable with people around, in my home, going out for a day etc.

I find one on one friendships easier than to be in a crowd. Easiest to form friendships at work I think. Large groups of people make me so uncomfortable so I try to just avoid situations like that. Theres nothing wrong with feeling that way and one on one friendships do help with loneliness :)

I hate socialising in groups and/or noisy places but 1 on 1s are great. I agree with the PPs who advise you to do a calming activity that's in a group setting, eg attend a talk or volunteer to help organise a charity, school, or church event. With such events the activity is the main focus and if any 1 to 1 friendships come out of it, that is a bonus. The good thing about these types of events are that they enable you to change your focus to 'what can I do to be useful' (eg doing some paperwork or manual jobs for the charity event at the venue) rather than, for example, 'am I being boring or entertaining', which I agree is mega stressful for introverts.

I think interacting with someone when there is a purpose to it is a lot easier. So helping out at a fundraising activity at the school, you can hide behind the stall 'helping', but get to chat to people for a bit, but not an overwhelming amount. Volunteering in anyway, is a great way of meeting people without having to spend too much 1to1 time with them. Helping sort things at a charity shop 1 or 2 mornings a week, you talk to the other volunteers but not with the public.

I hate to say it, but getting a dog, can be great. Taking a puppy to lessons, and walking them at the park can give you the opportunity for quick hellos to people as you pass. There's one particular park not too far from us that I've had lovely 1 or 2 minute chats with other dog owners/walkers, but no one is willing to loiter. If you have a dog that gets along great with other people, you might find those chats getting longer as your dog mucks about with theirs.

Taking your DC to activities is great. Cricket is absolutely brilliant, especially if the club has club house where the parents can have a drink while their DC train, and on Sunday mornings it's absolutely delightful sitting in a deck chair with a cup of tea, in the sun (cricket stops if it's raining, unlike football and rugby), watching the game and chatting with other parents, or not, if you prefer to concentrate on the game. You can even be the scorer, that gets you out of talking to people as you really have to concentrate on the game.

I find if I set up an activity or a meet up once a week, even if I don't feel like it at the time, then it helps with the loneliness and my mood. It is normally always better than I expect. Sometimes I push my comfort zone and book activities that I would not normally do. Those can be the most rewarding.

Is it that you don’t enjoy socialising (find it boring or unfulfilling for example) or you actively find it frightening or anxiety producing? Cos the solution it very different depending on which it is.

Thanks everyone.

It’s that i feel incredibly awkward. My mind goes blank and I can’t think of things to say and I blush too so everyone can see I’m nervous which makes me even more self conscious. I don’t find it frightening but until I’ve built a sort of relationship with people where I know there are things we can both talk about/common experiences or interests then I feel like I have nothing to say and that they’re probably thinking how boring I am. I try and keep the focus on other people by asking questions about them but in my head I’m thinking about what I should ask them next or what I know about whatever they’ve just said so I can offer something back so it makes for a really weird conversation that isn’t flowing naturally.

Sounds like you are a social being who has social anxiety. The trick is to stop overfocusing on what you imagine as a blushing foot in mouth self, which is not what others see, and drop the safety behaviours like planning what you say. Then practice practice practice, stop avoiding. Go out the next three times and TRY to do or say something embarrassing.

I’m not sure you are an introvert. I am. Love time alone, but can socialise fine just find it exhausting. I am better in small groups or one on one.

Yours seems a little more about anxiety then introvertism (?)

The fact you can only do coffee with someone very close to you does seem to me to be nothing to do with you being an introvert.

Something to think about. And if it is more anxiety, then you have a path to follow to help you deal with it better.

Oh God, no advice but I am the same. I find socialising really hard and draining so do most things by myself. But then sometimes I feel like I am going out of my mind with loneliness. But then decide that's better than the strain of trying to be witty and interesting and on it goes...

Someone mentioned hobbies already, I was going to suggest a small, craft-based class. That way you can chat if you want to chat or just do the craft and listen to the chat around you, maybe nod or smile now and then when you agree with something. I go to a crochet class in autumn and spring, and have a sewing class in early summer. Both are small, about 14 in crochet and 7 in sewing, and people chat when they have something to say or stay quiet when they are concentrating on their work. If you struggle to find something talk about you can always compliment someone on their fabric or work. I'm a sociable introvert, small friendly groups work well for me but large gatherings or overly-extrovert people drain me.

I definitely am an introvert. I find this stuff exhausting and when I’m out I want to be home and when I get home I can breathe and relax again. I get headaches from the stress of it. I’m very much at home when I’m left alone to my own devices but I still get lonely. Even as an introvert you need to have some human interaction.

Btw I do have a dog. I do smile and say hello to people on our walks and people will do the same back but I’ve never had anyone stop to chat. Maybe there’s something about my face

I’ll have a look around to see if there are any hobbies I could go to locally. I really need to force myself out of the house. I always talk myself out of going anywhere.

Ah, you have social anxiety from the sound of it.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself/social-anxiety

This workbook is great for self help. It’s likely not gonna get better alone at this stage. You’re gonna have to work at it.

stacktherocks link looks really good, seems like it's based on CBT. It would be much easier if you could see a CBT therapist or counsellor in person though, changing on your own is hard work.
I have more or less overcome social anxiety. I read a lot of books about it and psychology in general and went to various counsellors over the years. But the thing that helped the most was pushing myself out of my comfort zone socially. Not in massive steps because I think that's counter productive.
If you don't push yourself you will not change

Thanks for that link stack. It does sound like I could have that. I just feel so useless that completely normal situations that people manage every single day bring me out in a cold sweat. I do need to force myself to address this. Can’t hide at home forever. Urgh.

I do smile and say hello to people on our walks and people will do the same back but I’ve never had anyone stop to chat. Maybe there’s something about my face

Nah, you've got to have the right dog park, and the right dog!

TBF DDog would happily ignore every lifeform that comes our way.