AIBU to want to limit the role of parents and PIL's in our lives

[bubblesforlife]

So i've a weird situation. I come from a family where my dad died when I was 2, and my mom raised my 3 brothers and me alone.
My mom was incredibly harsh and emotionally abusive right up to the present day. I've sworn she will never be left alone with my future children.
I've grown so much resentment I want little or no involvement in my life. She knows I don't like her and throws that in my face. I've tried to have a relationship but then she just bites me again, the latest is calling me her 'freak of a daughter'. Anyways, that's standard!

On the other hand, my PIL's to-be are very nice people. But they have been very needy towards my DP (husband to be) and have been known to demand his attention for the most insignificant trivial matters. His sister is 4 years younger and is incredibly opinionated. She has always told me what to say, not to say and I've always found her very belittling. Needless to say, I don't like her! I did however like his parents. His sister loves to compare herself to us, once calling us the power couple and claimed because my DP asked her 'did she not want to travel' as that he had to break up with her boyfriend and blamed my DP for it (we have successful careers, completely independent, and now lead a very comfortable lifestyle, which is not what we grew up with)

After we got engaged there were a few instances where my to be MIL and SIL caused my DP a lot of upset and hurt by their actions and things they said.

At first, my DP didn't want to believe his DM would ever intentionally say and do those things knowingly and that caused me a lot of upset. I'm not a liar so it was hurtful for him not to belive me. Fast forward a couple of months the whole situation came to head, and my MILto-be denied knowing what had happened and claimed ignorance. Pushed harder and admitted, yes I know I did these things and I knew that I had upset you both. His sister denied it all too and pointed fingers at us. ridiculous situation entirely.

It eventually ended with them apologizing to me and my DP, a tearful one. (throws eyes to heaven)

So here is my problem: I don't like them. I don't want to speak to them. But i've no choice.
I'm the type of person that is nice, empathetic and fair, but hurt me repeatedly or seriously, you're out!! They're out, it cut too deep.

Obviously my DP know's me and knows this but wants peace which I'm happy to go along with. But deep down I've so much anger towards them for what happened, and I literally cannot look them in the eye. How do I survive this?

My DP blames my DM for filling my plate up with so much that I can't take a little crap from anyone else. I can't change who I am.... how do I pretend to want to speak to these people? They literally intentionally destroyed the happiest time of my life. They know life hasn't been too kind to me, so it feels so unforgivable.

The wedding is coming up in a couple of months. We live a plane ride away so we don't have to see them. I never speak to them on the phone so it's that rare occasion I'm there, so that does help. But it also doesn't make moving on easier because the last time I saw them was with their crocodile tears at Xmas... next time it's very close to the wedding. They know I have no time for them, and they know the relationship is long term damaged. I'm sad I feel this way, but I do.... AIBU?

What does it mean long term, i'm worried about that.

I can kind of see where you are coming from.
My father was awful and I went NC with him several years before he died and had no regrets at all.
I used to get on with MIl but things have changed lately for a few reasons and because my tolerance level for arseholes is pretty low I don’t have anything to do with her. The usual “it’s family “ and “ none of us are getting any younger “ emotional blackmail don’t work on me. She recently sent me a text to tell me that x had died ( family friend I met once 15 years ago) and it should help me to “get things into perspective “. I ignored her but she wouldn’t give up until I pointed out that I didn’t go to my own Fathers funeral so why did she think a complete strangers death would affect me in any way?
BUT i do have to say that you are viewing your in laws through the lens of your own family experience and perhaps you are being a bit tough on them because of this (appreciate I’m in no position to judge you on this).
Just keep them at arms length, only reply to Direct questions and avoid their drama. Establish strong boundaries now so that if you have children it will be easier. And be thankful they don’t live closer !

You can dislike them and still be angry about their behaviour BUT if they’ve apologised then try and fake a semi polite relationship until they do something which is no longer tolerable. This can be the issue with ILs as you want your DP to maintain relations, ultimately he will either become your biggest defender or you will end up feeling betrayed by him.

Mine took a few years to stop defending his mother, and has recently taken her to task over much smaller things than I’d honestly care about.

You may come to forge a better relationship with MIL but SIL might need to just be ignored or LC from your perspective. Hope your DP can talk you through how he wants to handle this in a way that doesn’t put you in an uncomfortable position! And good luck with the wedding!

Re this part of your comment:-

"So here is my problem: I don't like them. I don't want to speak to them. But i've no choice.
I'm the type of person that is nice, empathetic and fair, but hurt me repeatedly or seriously, you're out!! They're out, it cut too deep.

Obviously my DP know's me and knows this but wants peace which I'm happy to go along with".

Where are your boundaries at with regards to his parents and sister?. You have a right to your above opinion and to maintain those and you do not have to meekly follow his lead here. He may well want to maintain a relationship with his family of origin but it does not automatically follow that you have to.

He wants peace but not for the reasons you think. He wants peace because he cannot or will not assert himself at all when it comes to his parents and sister (who seems far more favoured) out of his own inertia along with his own fear, obligation and guilt. In an ideal world he wants you all to get along so that he does not have to face the truth that he himself has a less than ideal relationship with his parents. You were not put on this earth to take crap from anyone, his parents included.

Could you completely trust him to back you up if push did come to shove with his parents, who is his primary loyalty to now?. Is it you or they?. Would your fiancé be at all willing to sit with a counsellor now to discuss his relationship with his family?.

With regards to your mother you are really under no obligation to have any sort of relationship with her now either. You owe her nothing really. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. The only mistake you have made here re her is trying to have any sort of a relationship with her out of your own feelings of obligation and guilt both totally misplaced. She is not built that way and it is not your fault she is like this.

You have physical distance between you and they; put proper mental distance in place too. They could all likely try and trample on or over any boundaries you care to set them and will your then H have your back at that time?. Probably not mainly because he is not really doing so now. I would think long and hard about all of this more.

If you go onto have children what sort of grandparents and in the case of his sister their aunty, will these people be too?. Not great ones from what you already write about them.