I think I may need help...

[newyearhopefullynewme]

Where do I start, I think I may need help with the long list of issues I have... Please bear with me as this may be long.

I suppose I should start with a bit of background, the first thing would be that my parents died a year apart from each other when I was 18. I went from having a pretty secure life to feeling massively out of control which resulted in me leaning quite heavily on alcohol. Cue a relatively long line of bad choices, hating myself and terrible 'relationships'. I learnt that men in relationships dont really give a shit and would shag around given the opportunity - not saying this is correct just what I found.

I have always had low self esteem but recently its hit rock bottom. As well as this I have health anxiety - actually general anxiety which seems to be getting worse.

In the last couple of months I have found out that my dad wasnt actually my dad and that my parents had used a donor, this was a massive shock and one that I have only recently realised hit me harder than I thought.

I have been with my partner for seven years and we are meant to be getting married this year. We have however been having issues in the recent months just because we havent been communicating properly/long hours at work and we are making changes to fix this.

What I hate is the fact that I am having other issues with being paranoid and that he is going to leave me for someone else, I am worried whenever a girl is mentioned from his work. He is a confident lad who is likeable and I know he would never do anything but that awful paranoid crazy voice is getting louder in my head, especially when he goes out on nights out. I want him to be able to go out with friends without me sat at home in a state of fear/worry.

I am going to the doctors to see if there is anything they can recommend and looking into getting therapy as there are other things I need sorting as well. I cant go on like this as its making me feel worse...

Not sure if this is me asking for advice or just a rant... Wondering if its just me that feels this way?

(((Hugs))) it sounds like you definitely need some counselling. The fact that you lost your parents and then found out that your father wasn't your biological father would be devastating. Seeing the GP is your first step to help your anxiety and to get some counselling. Could you afford private counselling? The NHS waiting list could be a 3-6 month wait.

I think the paranoia thing with your relationship could be linked with abandonment issues (I know your parents didn't abandon you, but you were essentially orphaned) along with the shit relationship experiences in the past.

Be kind to yourself, be a friend to yourself. Your low self esteem can be worked on - believe me, I've been there in the past and often thought I was worthless etc. I've managed to get through that with counselling and surrounding myself with good friends for support. Do you do anything for yourself such as a hobby or interest?

The fact that you have recognised you have this anxiety and low self esteem is positive because you are being self aware. Take care OP and make that appointment ASAP xx

I should of really been going to speak to someone a long time ago but after an awful experience with a counselor who basically blamed all my issues on my dad I have refused to see anyone since. But I feel I have finally reached the edge of what I am willing to put up with from myself. Private counselling would be an option but first GP to see if they might be able to recommend anything, didnt realise it might be a wait to get counselling through the NHS.

I just find myself spiralling, there is a lass at his work who I am sure is lovely but I have built up into a thing in my head. I have spoken to him about it and where I am and he understands that I am not in a good place at the moment. I dont know what it is, I could literally make up a whole scenario in my head and its real to me - does that make sense? Its ridiculous and bloody tiring to be on edge all the time.

It hasnt been the best time for us which hasnt helped, hes working long hours and is knackered which then makes me feel rejected and unloved. We have got into bad habits with each other and we both are at fault.

I really wish I could love myself - I know that others think its stupid that I feel this way but I am always comparing myself to other girls and finding my faults. ALL THE TIME. I am so tired of it and know I need to snap out of it but not sure how.

I dont really have hobbies/interests other than hanging with friends, maybe its time I found something...

You need a project OP.
And that project should be YOU! By that I mean start to look after yourself, be interested in yourself and be positive about yourself - simple things like making a list of healthy foods to buy for the week, checking out affordable gym subscriptions, reading three beauty blogs by Saturday and buying some recommended skin care stuff or make up for yourself.
Then, add other stuff to your list like signing up to park run or the local library. A close friend of mine signed up for sewing classes recently and you should see the change in her.
She was very depressed this time last year.
I go to the cinema regularly with DH and we find that a relaxing bonding time in our too busy lives.
Something to try perhaps?
Essentially, you need to find yourself and to be kind to yourself.
Read some self help books, have a go at a new recipe each week (my personal favourite) learn a new skill or just go for regular walks together.
You have to be pro-active and take the first step OP.

A good councellor puts the focus on how you can manage your own feelings not who is to 'blame'

Comparison its said is a thief of joy, and thats exactly what is happening here. Make your focus finding things about yourself that you like and making the best of what you have, the best version of YOU.

Half the things you are probably seeing are photoshopped or through various filters, so what you are comparing yourself to is actually an illusion.

If you havent already perhaps you could consider some anxiety medication ehilst you find a suitable councellor?

Thank you for all the replies and for not thinking I am crazy.

I have lost 5 pounds this week - not sure if due to stress or because I have started running but feeling a bit better. The running helps as well, been listening to some proper women power ballads.

Will also look into getting into a hobby, was thinking Salsa but the body contact makes me feel a bit cringe at the moment... will keep on thinking. Have also got in touch with a few friends to see if we can hang which has definitely been good. Good to get out of the house.

The other half and I made a Fort - which I have been wanting to do for ages - and it was great! Need to remember to take it down and for it to not become a 'safe space'.

Does anyone have any recommendations of self help books?

I have a GP appointment booked for next week and will see if anxiety medication may be useful for me.

I am awful at the whole comparison thing and mostly is to do with weight. I am no means large but if there is a thinner lass around then I instantly feel threatened. Which is so fucked up as I also believe in building women up not bringing them down.

I am worried that the other half will like the other girl at work more, that she is better than me, fitter than me, funnier than me. Or that he will hurt me because the opportunity is there. That she wants him so she will get him - in no way has she given any hint that she is out to get him and she is also married. That they spend time together and he will find himself wondering 'why not?'. I have needed to get that out for a while. FUCK.

I also think mumsnet may also not be the right place for me, as reading about all the men who cheat is just ammunition for my brain...