Do I have a cold heart or is this okay?

[IamwhoIam456]

New member here, I am unable to talk to anyone I know about this as the only person I know who might have some idea is my Mother in Law, not ideal.

My husband is in the RAF and he gets deployed throughout the year, and I am always so excited for him to come back but I feel my affections towards him might be becoming less and less every time. I am still very much in love with my husband and do not want to split and end my marriage but I feel I have just become accustomed to him not being at home that I am used to being on my own. My day to day remains the same whether he is here or not; I still do the school run, go to work or university, clean house, cook and shop. I am just doing it alone and that's fine. I am fine with that. It is more upheaval for my husband as he has to leave his home comforts and family.

But I don't know how to explain this to my husband without sounding cold and uncaring. I don't think he would actually understand how I am feeling anyway and more than likely end up in an argument and that is far from helpful.

I am hoping that there is someone else on here that knows what I mean, it isn't about falling out of love with my husband as that isn't the case, just when he comes home he just slots back into the home and back to normal really quickly for me. I find him smothering at times and I feel awful for feeling that but I am sometimes on my own for 4 months then he's just there all the time. I feel awful writing this as it makes me sound vile but I just want someone to be able to get me who is living the same life.

My dh worked away during the week for 9 months. I got used to the pattern and despite being excited when he came home for good, it took me months to get used to him being in 'my space'. I was irritated at him always being there, disrupting my routine etc. Like you it wasn't lack of love, just felt 'odd'.

The idea that once I got used to having him around, he'd be gone again and I'd need to get used to that new normal, on a loop, would drive me nuts. So for you.

It's different for your dh because he has two completely different separate 'lives', whereas you have only one that changes back and forth to accommodate him.

Are there RAF organizations you could contact for help. I can't see this not being big issue for spouses.

I have a relative and some friends with DHs in the Forces and they all say similar things to you OP.

I think they have to get into a routine of dealing with family life on their own and also effectively being single for long periods of time. The return of their DHs is as much a disruption as it is a joy.

They all talk about feeling sad but a bit relieved when their DHs are deployed again.

I think your feelings are a way of coping with a very tough situation.

My oh works off shore and I feel similar to you, he's only away 4 weeks max at a time so no wonder you feel as you do after 4 months!
You can't concentrate on missing him all the time or you would never get anything done, you just have to get on with life because life is still happening, it isn't waiting for him to return. It's probably a hard wired coping mecahnism to keep us sane.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you have two normals and when he's away you're in a different mode. I think that's fine and actually quite healthy!

Also same as you, he gets on my nerves when he's back too, lol poor guy. And I do love him. But I sleep better when he is away and it's lovely to have a tidy house. As soon as he's back everyone gets messier, I don't get it!

The alternative is for you to spend the whole time he's away pining for him and wishing he would come back - I'm sure nobody would expect you to live like that. The setup for the wives of service personnel always seems so unfair to me, that whole "keep the home fires burning" thing, but I'm not sure how else it could work.

It is understandable that you would feel a bit irritated by having him around in the first couple of days he's back, if you're used to doing it by yourself. Can you be honest with him and explain that you just need a small adjustment period and it's not a reflection of how you feel about him generally?

He will definitely feel the same, except you dont intrude on his “other life”.

It’s so hard when they come back and mess up the house and routine. Mine actually jokes I prefer it when he’s not here - I don’t but it’s a lot less stressful.

He just organised to do things in the day etc so unless we have something specific to do together I continue as normal with the odd day out thrown in.

It does get easier when they’re home for longer periods but I’m not really looking forward to the day he leaves 😂 no breaks for me! Plus the honeymoon period when he’s back is nice

My friend is married to someone in the navy and he can be away for 9 months.

There’s always a massive transition period she goes through when he comes home an goes again. She has her own social life and life without him, so when he comes home he almost gets in the way, but she says after a couple of weeks she gets used to it, then when he leaves again she has to adjust to life without him. Sometimes i think she prefers it when he’s away

I have been with my DH for 30 years. He retired almost 2 years ago - sold his company and we are comfortably off. However, our 'ideal' retirement together is doing my head in!!!!!

I had my routine in the house, I did the cooking and now it's all different. Maybe I am a control freak - I don't know.

He decides to cook [without any prior discussion] and I feel I should be grateful but what he cooks isn't what I want. I admit I am fussy - I like dainty food etc and he prefers bulk. But after 30 years together he should know that!!!

There's loads more going on. I am currently not communicating with him because I just don't want to be with him.

It was much better when he was working...

I am now seriously considering separation. But what are my reasons?
Watch this space...