TW - abuse disclosed, not sure what to do

[Peabody89]

I’m sorry if this is long, I’ve got no one irl to speak to and my head is going 100mph.

I’m the youngest of 3 sisters by 10 yrs, different fathers. Each of us were in care by our teens and each of us are NC with our mother, me for 15 years, DSs for 25+, they are also NC with each other for around 5 years over some spat I’m not involved in.

This weekend was DS2’s birthday, we had a little get together at hers and had a few drinks. We were doing our usual tipsy rant about our mother and out of no where DS spills that my father, their stepfather, had sexually abused her and our mother knew. She didn’t go into gory details, she was actually quite casual about it and carried on the conversation. BIL didn’t flinch at this news like he already knew and it hadn’t really registered with me, but today it has. For background, my father was a piece of shit, he was incredibly physically abusive to everyone and was a raging alcoholic/drug addict constantly in and out of prison - but he was good to me. He died when I was a child. I personally had good memories of him but I’ve always been very aware of how he treated others and what an awful person he was. It’s also been hinted before that he tried to drunkenly assault our other DS but the conversation was quickly quashed and it’s never been mentioned again.

I absolutely believe my sister - I myself was sexually abused by another step father and our mother knew about it, in a way she was even complicit - but I selfishly feel horrific, I have no idea where my head is at. I’m lost, I feel almost deceived. I feel guilty that my father did this to my DS2 and possibly DS1. I cannot bring this up with DS1 as she’s a very closed book and won’t have his name spoken in her earshot, I also don’t want to involve her in DS2s business given their relationship. My sisters have took care of me since a young age, we don’t have a typical sisterly relationship and at times I’ve felt like a burden to them..like they didn’t actually like me or want me around, but we’re obligated to. And now it kind of makes sense.

I also suffer from bipolar which is usually managed but once an episode starts it can be difficult... I’ve been sectioned before and suffer from suicidal ideation even during good periods - right now I can feel my mood turning. I’ve milked the ‘hangover’ today so DP has took over handling the DC, but I can’t tell him as he already has an awful lot on his plate, right now I’m supposed to be his support. I have no idea how to handle this information, whether it even needs ‘handling’, and how to process this guilt and shame that have suddenly hit me. My father is dead, there’s no chance of justice. I don’t know why she told me or why so flippantly as if it was a regular conversation we have.. I don’t think she’s told me to open up any future dialogue about it, we don’t have that type of relationship, we’re not that deep with each other. Both DSs are strong, smart women who had every reason to take wrong paths and neither did, I feel so sad for them that their childhood/teen years were so much shittier than I’ve ever known.

What do I do? I’ve always known my father was a piece of work but now he’s not just a thug, he’s a paedophile, one who abused my sister/s. I look like him too and right now I want to tear my face off.

You are not responsible for what your father did. You can express empathy to your sister and acknowledge he was a pos to her without getting into your own feelings about your father.

What you need to do is get yourself into counselling pronto.

You have survivor guilt, and associated guilt by his being your father, NEITHER of which is your fault at all.

Counselling - go to your GP as a first port of call but that could take forever as the mental health services are fully overstretched, as everyone knows - if you can afford it, go privately but you need in reality to discuss it with someone who is used to dealing with childhood sexual abuse. NOT that it is your SA here, but since you were also abused by a different stepfather, you could tie it all together.

I am so sorry that you have been so badly let down all around, by your mother, your father, your stepfather and most other people in your family.

I think, if you want to mention it to your DSis2 that it would be best done in writing - she may not want to talk about it ever again, she may not have even meant to mention it to you - just say that you are ashamed of him and so sorry that he did that to her, and you are there for her if she should ever want to talk more about it but you fully understand if she doesn't.

And then never mention it to her again unless SHE brings it up.

for you - I hope you can get some help. You DO need to talk to someone about this.

You've all had a terribly hard childhood and it sounds like you're all really strong women

Would you feel able to sit down with your sister and talk about it, just the two of you?

Hi all, OP here. I deleted my account right after because I felt stupid for having posted, so quickly popping back in after seeing your replies.

Thank you all for your replies. As for counselling, I cannot afford private, but I'm booking to see my GP though as I couldn't go into work today, I took DC to school then came home and have hidden in bed. I've had an 'off' couple of weeks as it is and this may push me over my threshold. No time is suitable to be sectioned and right now is absolutely not convenient.

Thank you, @HollywoodBoulevard. It's almost a running joke between us how none of us have turned out how would be expected, especially given how our mother actively tried to hinder us. We've all got good careers, have good relationships (granted, their dating histories are much more stable than mine), are good mothers, no issues with the law or substance abuse... but no, I don't believe it's something we could talk about. We have a good surface relationship but that is all, we're not an emotional with each other. We're quite LC but not out of necessity, it's just our nature, we meet up a few times a year for occasions such as birthdays. I genuinely don't think she told me to open up for further chats, she's not exactly known for keeping her mouth shut, I think it was the flow of the conversation and she was being typically blunt about it. Maybe she thought I already knew, but it pieces some things together from past conversations and suspicions.