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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Staying close friends with ex is hard, but I'll be heartbroken if I cut it off?

23 replies

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 21:41

We were seeing each other for about 4 months when he said he didn't feel able to cope with a serious relationship. When we began dating he was going through a bereavement which he claims has given him too to deal with at once. He said 'the time isn't right'.

Usually I'd just cut things off with an ex but I didn't want him not to be in my life anymore. Furthermore, I kind of thought he might just disappear anyway. But he hasn't. He calls/texts every day more or less and he initiates meeting up doing date-like things often. I think I could cope with a friendship if it was a bit more distant.

He says he is doing a little better but still working through things. I don't get the impression he is seeing anyone because he seems to spend much of his free time with me when he isn't working. He gushes about what a wonderful person I am & looks at me adoringly - and I suddenly feel really ANGRY about it. If he feels all these things about me...why the hell have I been downgraded to friendship status?

At the same time I really value him in my life. A few days ago I had the day from hell and he listened to my rant and helped me talk through all the options. I felt way better by the end of it. But this seems like a mess and I don't know what to do. I know I'll be heartbroken without him if I cut it off and will miss him terribly. Help?

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HennyPennyHorror · 31/03/2019 22:05

Level with him. Tell him this way of being is too hard for you because you're in love with him.

Then cut yourself loose. Don't answer his calls.

He may decide he needs you after all.

hawaii507 · 31/03/2019 22:09

The best thing to do is to cut him.out of your life. You might be heartbroken at first but you'll get over him. By remaining friends you are prolonging the agony.

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 22:26

Yes, I am in love with him - and he seems to be in love with me! Or puts on a good show of it anyway.

I am afraid to take this step in case he says - 'sorry, I still can't be in a relationship.' If this happens, for me it'll be like a kind of bereavement. This is already a difficult time for other reasons and losing him will be extra rough. Why because like he is in a committed relationship (to an extent) if he said he didn't want that 4 months ago?

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SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 31/03/2019 22:30

Honestly he is taking the piss, or keeping you on the back burner
I would say walk away before you get even more hurt

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 22:47

Hmm. I know you could be right SmellsLikeAdultSpirit.

But I also think maybe he regrets breaking up and doesn't know how to broach it? If I say nothing, YES, I can keep him in my life - but I'll feel miserable and always wanting more.

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ConfCall · 31/03/2019 23:46

My concern is that he's keeping you in reserve. If I'm right, when he meets someone and starts a relationship, he'll drop you completely. Be very cautious.

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 23:49

I think his feelings for me are genuine. But I'm not going to pretend this isn't a possibility either. How can I really be sure?

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OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 23:49

Are you still 'being intimate' with him, to put it bluntly?

Meandwinealone · 31/03/2019 23:51

GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE NOW.
seriously don’t waste anymore energy on this. I promise all you will do is waste your time.
If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would. And you saying ok, I respect your choice but off you chop. Isn’t going to make him think - oh I’ve been rejected by the love of my life.

This isn’t dr zhivago - you aren’t lost soul mate.

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 23:52

No. I think he'd like to be, but I'm only doing that in a relationship from now on.

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Meandwinealone · 31/03/2019 23:54

The one thing I have learnt here is

LISTEN - when someone tells you who they are. Not in words in actions. Fine he sat and listened to you, but he hasn’t said he wants to be back with you.

Maria53 · 31/03/2019 23:58

No he hasn't, but I don't think he would to be honest. He is very shy in general and as I initially said I didn't want to date him anymore, I reckon he'd be reluctant to say anything. (Or I'm kidding myself!)

But - isn't it better I'm honest and tell him how I feel?

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Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 00:44

Ok fine. Tell him. But be perfectly ready for rejection
And not a nice open rejection,

a sort of “yes maybe” “I’m not in the right place” “I’m a fuck up” “I don’t think I’m worth a relationship” “I’m so shy” but “I still love you” “I think you’re amazing, you’re worth more than I can give”. ETC ETC

As I said. Words are cheap. Actions speak volumes.

Just trust me. Please

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 00:45

And what!!?? You broke it off?? That’s news

Maria53 · 01/04/2019 00:53

This is what happened:

We'd went on a drunken night out where there had been some problems. He seemed unbothered about solving them But said he still wanted to date. So I said 'I don't want to date anymore. I'm not having this'. Then a couple of days later he said 'yeah, maybe it's better if we're just friends.'

The problem we were having was that he wasn't been consistent in terms of contact and initiating dates. Now he has been as a 'friend' Does any of this make a difference?

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Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 01:16

It just means he’s not that bothered with being with you.

Maria53 · 03/04/2019 21:36

Hmm. Maybe. That's how it seemed at the time.

He called me today and I almost said something - then didn't Sad. I know as soon as I say it, there's a good chance things will be over for good. Which might be for the best but I'm going to miss him terribly.

The thing is - I know I'm a catch, I'm not getting younger and I could waste time on this guy. Does it do my self esteem much good to continue on like this? Not being intimate with him anymore...to be honest, I just find it painful.

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Itsjustmarley · 04/04/2019 08:34

I get where you are trust me, I've just been through it, you're hoping they'll just realise 'ah I'm so stupid, she's really the one for me' nope doesn't happen, like someone said, if they want to be with you they will.

I had to delete and block off everything so he couldn't reel me back in and so I could move on without having to see him on social media all the time, it's hard but if you really want to move forward with your life then literally just say what you want to him and if he doesn't give you what you want then just get rid otherwise you're just prolonging your pain and then he'll probably end up meeting someone else, then more pain for you.

Life's too short to be hanging around someone who you're hoping for, so move on and find someone who wants what you do Smile

Maria53 · 07/04/2019 22:02

Thanks everyone.

The update is he's actually moving to take a job abroad in 3 weeks. He called me to tell me and said he was really struggling with the idea of leaving now. And I've had a little cry too.

I haven't told him how I feel yet and I'm wondering - should I tell him before he leaves or not? On the one hand, he's going to be in a different country establishing a whole new life. On the other, he says he wants me to visit AND he wants to see me again before he goes. But the way I feel right now I think I would really struggle with a goodbye/seeing him without telling him I still have feelings. We talk every day but I'm not being truly honest. Completely torn!

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RhubarbTea · 08/04/2019 09:43

Don't see him before he goes, it will mess you up. He's leaving the country! This is what you need to finally get over him.

Cynical me also wonders whether he was trying to push you into ending things because he already knew about this new job.

Maria53 · 12/04/2019 20:54

I was brave and told him how I felt! I was sick with nerves and dread.

Said that I felt more than friendship and if we were going to visit each other, I wanted it to be more. He replied that be shares my feelings exactly and wants to develop the relationship and see where it leads us!!

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Newadventure · 12/04/2019 21:16

Yaaaaaay!! Grin

I was just reading the thread and saw you last update. Result!! Smile

So is he still moving for the job?? If so, is it temp or permanate??

Maria53 · 12/04/2019 22:52

Yeah, he moves in a couple of weeks. We've just had this conversation so I suppose we'll have to see how things pan out. He says he will be visiting me as often as he can and I plan to visit him. One good thing is that while he is really keen to be in a specific place at the moment, I am more flexible. His position isn't necessarily permanent anyway, going to see how it goes.

I feel.proud of myself for admitting how I feel! It was really scary but to hear he's feeling the same way has made me feel all warm inside 😊

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