Usual advice for getting over emotional abuse is making me feel worse!

[RunningOutOfFucks]

A couple of months out of a horrible, volatile, abusive elationship.
But really, really loved him.
The usual advice to help get over them is to remember/write down all the things they've done and/or said that were abusive.
This is NOT helping me at all. It's making me feel worse. Remembering how it made me feel, hearing someone I loved to death saying absolutely unforgiveable things to me. And having it 'explained' away retrospectively with depression and alcohol.
It just makes me feel like shit.

I know it was wrong and I'm better off not living that life but when does it stop hurting? Thinking of the awful things said/done?

It might never stop. What happens is that the rest of your life takes over, so the abuse and pain of a lost love goes to the background. Get some counselling. That will hurt, too, but will help you process the suffering and put it where it belongs.

A couple of months is no time at all. Be compassionate towards yourself when you hurt. You are the loving, caring person that he is not. You deserve kindness, not cruelty. You only have to exist to deserve to be treated respectfully and with consideration, you don't have to be or do anything special.

Have a cup of tea. Tell yourself you love yourself. When you feel like it, do more writing, if you want to. You. Your choice. You are healing. You don't have to get over it in a hurry. You can heal at your own pace.

Thank you for such a kind response x

I've had some counselling but similarly, I feel like it's hurting me more than anything.
It physically hurts how much I miss him and what we had. Although I think I know it would only have escalated.

I think writing things down is useful if you feel you might waver or might forget why you are better off alone. It’s not necessarily a great tool for getting over it and if it makes you feel worse then definitely don’t bother.
Counselling is probably the answer along with the passage of time. Hope things get better for you.

I would think writing things down retraumatises. There are times I'm too done in about something to even think about it let alone write it down. I have to let the trauma pass a bit and get some peace and healing.

Be amazingly kind to yourself. Your hurt is palpable and you need a lot of kindness now

Very sorry but abuse is not love. You can not love someone who makes me feel so bad or who says and does nasty things this is called trauma bonding but not love have a think about that. You need to work on yourself to figure out why you think that you deserve such treatment and why you think that is love.

Sorry not meaning to sound harsh but just speaking from someone who’s been in your position and ended up going back time and time again as I thought ‘I loved him’ truth was I just didn’t love myself.

It's very difficult to explain.
I'm not saying I deserve it and I think he probably didn't love me. Not in the sense that I view love. I really loved him though. When he wasn't being disgusting.

Writing all down isn't for everybody, it makes me feel like a mug.
Instead I write down how I feel or a response I want to say.
Sometimes just the fact there's not shouting or tension is enough to help you deal with the loneliness.
It doesn't matter if he loved you or didn't, abusers can love the people they hurt, love is chucked around a lot, it's not love people should be looking for in a relationship it's a respectful person with boundaries. Those are the partners who don't think fuck it I'll get away with making her cry or a punch.

@runningoutoffucks I've been there. It's a terrible place and it does get better. I realised years later that it was not my shame, I hadn't done anything.

I didn't write it all out but I did write a lot about how I felt in the aftermath and I drew a lot, to try navigate my raw emotions . I can't hypothesize as to why this happened to you but I truly believe that you didn't do anything to deserve it.
Be kind to yourself, try not to beat yourself up about what happened and do something for you (I bought myself a CD of music I liked each month for a year as he'd always told me how little taste I had).

Honestly I think a lot of this goes back to childhood and our models of love. Often we are subconciously trying to heal a wound that occurred long ago, and the pain from that feeds into this all-encompassing illogical passion for people we know conciously aren't good for us. Learn to heal that wound, and the present heals too.

Is that something you talk about in counseling? It may need a more experienced counselor/psychotherapist. It's not an easy path to explore (understatement!) but the results can be amazing.

I didn't have a traumatic childhood at all, quite lovely in fact, so I don't know what this is.
I just can't move on. I can't get my head around someone who i loved so much could be so cruel. And I mean I literally besotted with the man. Never felt anything like it.
Urgh, it's just torture.

Sounds like there was an element of addiction in the relationship.

Have you read ‘Women who love too much’? The part that made sense to me was that the intense ‘love’ we feel in toxic relationships isn’t love, it’s stress and anxiety but we think it’s passionate love. If that same person was nice, decent abs trustworthy we probably wouldn’t feel the ‘love’ quite so intensely.

I’m in the same position - ended a 2 year relationship with ‘love of my life’ who has issues and was abusive and I’m struggling to get over it and not go back. It’s very hard.