I'm leaving but where do I start rebuilding my life

[CheesecakeAddict]

So a bit of background info. I have posted on here before but something clicked in me knowing this is it.
I've known DH since we were at school, dating since 6th form, living together since uni but married for 9 months. He was the perfect gentleman until about a month into our marriage. His temper got worse and he started trashing the house and hit me on 3 separate occasions. He successfully convinced me that I had PND after our daughter was born even though the councillor said I didn't and this was normal overwhelmed new mum stuff. Our daughter is 16 months old and he has changed about 5 nappies, has never done a night shift even though she still wakes every 2 hours and at the weekends goes out with his friends even though I have to work (work from home) so I have to work and look after a toddler.
The last time he hit me, something changed and I realised I didn't love him anymore. I told him and he told me he would change. Today he has started calling me paranoid and convincing me I have MH issues. He has started doing the housework and bought me flowers for mothers day but i see the pattern repeating and i know whilst I live under this roof, he will not change.

Anyway, I don't know where to start. He controls all the finances and makes me spend my wage on childcare. Even though I work full time, I don't make enough to even pay for the petrol to get to work, let alone food or rent. I'm tempted to stay because I don't see a way out but I'm so unhappy I want out. Where do i start sorting myself out?

Also, DH will not move out and will make this as difficult as possible which means no payments until the courts are involved, however long that takes. He also earns above the 50k threshold so I don't think I am entitled to anything. I live in SW London, so rents are super expensive. I don't want to give up my job but feel I may have to become a sahm to rebuild my life. I have friends to help out short term but no family.

Have you considered a refuge?

Yes but they can't offer me one close enough to the office to keep me employed. I will go if it's my only option but I'm hoping there are alternatives out there

Do you have family support?

Also, if you leave then his salary doesn’t mean you don’t qualify for benefits.

Speak to Women’s Aid, they will give you good advice. Tell them everything, especially the physical violence.

Don’t tell him that you are planning or getting advice.

So you say you work from home but then say you haven't got enough money to get petrol to get to work. What do you do OP?

Apologies. I read that back and it sounds confusing. I am a teacher. So during the week I work in a school but need some time over the weekend to plan my lessons.

The violence is really worrying. Right now, he is using emotional and financial control to keep you at home. That will escalate if he thinks you will leave.
1)Do you have any family support?
2) Could you move out of the area? As a teacher, you will always be in demand. You would also be entitled to benefits (including childcare help) and away from the south, it would be cheaper.
3) Please put together an off site escape bag with clothes, documents and emergency cash. Listen to Women's Aid.

Could you teach in a boarding school? Sorry I don't know much about teachers, but my oldest ds went to boarding school and the teachers there had their own flats on the premises. Presumably they lived there with their families.

Well done for admitting that you need to get out of this relationship OP. You are right - you absolutely do. And it's shit that this is a barrier to stopping you (and anyone else) leaving violent relationships.
Have you got legal advice yet, or visited a CAB?

I've spoken to a women's charity and they have got child ss involved. I just feel from them there is a lot of telling me what I have to do rather than what my options are or how to get there.

Have you contacted a solicitor though?

Can you start putting a bit of money away each week, it will all add up for you for when you want to leave.
I take it you don't have a joint account?
If you have any debt start trying to pay them down now (only stuff in your name) whilst lining stuff up to leave. Can you earmark things you'd like to sell? I felt once I'd started taking control over what small things I could it helped.

You need to go see a solicitor too and see what their advice is. Can you get 30 mins free.

I know it's really tough and frightening to start all over again, but wouldn't you consider leaving the area and finding another job? (In case he makes life difficult and uses your job to find you. Abusive men are at their most dangerous when you're attempting to leave.)

Otherwise, maybe legal options to remove him from the house? You should be entitled to legal aid as there is domestic violence.

Otherwise, is there anyone who could help you financially, or could you get a loan, for a rental deposit?

You could speak to Shelter about housing options and if you're not feeling supported by the charity you're involved with, talk to another. Engage with the social services and see what they can signpost.

I don't own anything so I have nothing to sell. I don't have any debts and a bit of money that I put aside as a student that I never touched. It's not a lot but certainly enough to pay a deposit on a rental property and a few months rent.
I am hesitant to move away because even though he is a shit husband, our daughter adores him and he would never touch her. I don't want to take her father away from her

Regarding a solicitor, there is a free drop in session once per month. I didn't go this month because he promised to change. Stupid of me. But I will go in 2 weeks

You wouldn't be taking him away from her - he's the cause of all this, not you. If he didn't behave the way he does, it wouldn't be happening. Stop taking on responsibility that isn't yours. This is on him.

That aside, you have to realise that the ss will want you to put your dd first, and that isn't by staying. And contact may not be in her best interests. He might be a great dad in some ways, but he's modelling destructive patterns for her, and would you want her to be in a similar relationship when she grows up?

Absolutely not.
This is so hard 😞. I'm going to be 30, divorced, a single mother and homeless. How the fuck did I end up here?

Even if you moved and stayed nearby - is he the kind of man that would hold up his end of the bargain in regards to parenting? Is he reliable in that respect? Would you even trust him to have her for extended periods of time knowing that he's violent?

In terms of how you got here, the answer is that you didn't. He got you there. This is all on him, not you. And there is better out there.

You are 30, divorced and a strong single mother who refuses to settle for shit or let her daughter be brought up in an abusive household.

You will not be homeless for long. The good news is that he is earning money and you can get a CMS claim in to help ease the way. Between that, you new job and tax credits, you will be OK.

Get those ducks in a row. A better life is out there, waiting for you.

How are you, OP? x