Not sharing mothers day with mil

[IsAStormApporaching]

I was advise to read the book toxic in-laws from posters on here.
It was an eye opener and mil fell into a few of the specific catagories.
I am now completely nc since she tried to attack me with my son present.

I got a small token gift (picture in a frame for mil) as I didn't feel I could get my mum something from the dc and nothing for her from the dc not that she knows the dc or deserves gifts from them

Dp got confused and thought the kids would give it to her in person so he ask to take the dc up to see her today.
We spoke argued and i said how i felt its unfair to expect me to share important days. He agreed.
But I still feel like the bad guy. I still feel guilty at saying no.

I have a dd from a previous relationship. Ex and I share special events.
And it feels like it is expected that i do the same with our dc.
Even though we are a family unit.
If we go to my mum's we are all welcome.
If it's he in-laws house- dp and the children are welcome. (In fairness though I wouldn't want to go there due to her behaviour the last time I was in her company.)

I know the issue is me, as dp has finally stopped pressuring me to let them see them as he know they are all emotionally unhealthy/ abusive.

I just hate the feeling of guilt that I am stopping a relationship woth the children and his family, even though I know it's am unhealthy one.

And of course we want to have another dc this year and I know this will start the abuse cycle again.

I don't know why I am writing this.
It's just put a dampness on the day and gave me doubts about anymore dc.
I hate this situation

You don’t want your DC to have contact with your MIL, yet you bought your MIL a mother’s day gift from the DC?

I can understand why your DP is confused. So am I. Stop with the mixed signals.

Guilt is a great emotion. It's supposed to make us cooperative and caring. Very functional.

Your guilt is trying to make you do things that hurt you and do nothing to make the situation functional. Like buy presents for someone who doesn't like you and feel bad about not allowing access to your children when you aren't welcome.

Which means the thing you need to do is work on why you feel guilt when it's dysfunctional and counterproductive. And stop buying presents for unpleasant people. What medal do you think you win for that?

WWWWickedI would happily have the dc nd with his family also but it's not what my dp wants so they are lc.
They see her maybe 5 times a year.
Dp was there when I was getting a gift for my dm with the dc.
And I felt guilty at them not getting the other gran one. And because dp was there I said would you like them to get one for your mum too. He said yes.
That was the whole conversation.

MrsTerry I feel so bad for my dp that he doesn't have the relationship with his family he thought it would be like.
I live in hope on day they will change for his sake but I know they won't. They have had so many chances.
I need to work in my guilt.

And it was Mothers' Day. The present to your mum should have been from you.

Therefore no guilt because you didn't get anything for MiL.

That was for your DP to do.

That's a good way to look at it NannyOgg

Dp got over it very fast too. So it wasn't really an issue to him. But it was to me.

I wonder if it is just me picking a fight looking for a reason to not have another baby because I am scared of the unknown.
I know a new baby she will start her nastiness all over again

Agree with leaving your husband to sort out stuff for his mum, it's not her birthday so she doesn't need presents from the whole family just some sort of greeting/ card/ present from her son, his choice.
Your kids spend the day with you as you're their mother. You may choose to visit your mum and your husband his.
It sounds as though you're slipping in to doing "wife work" by taking over the card buying for your husband. He was in the shop with you, he could have picked his own card.