Fuming with ex

[Sickofhisgames]

My exH decided this week that the children were better off with him and his gf today instead of with me so I had to fight via solicitor (NC as he's abusive) to get today with our kids as they were with him this weekend. I've agreed to an extra overnight and day in a couple of weeks in return.
He left a voicemail saying they'd be late today as he was taking them swimming. They were 20 mins late in the end.
A few weeks ago he decided the court order wasn't clear and he'd keep them until 8 instead of the usual 3. It's not clear on the order but is what we've done for years. The judge is so sick of him he's said we can't return to court.
He then phoned me to say he'd forgotten to return their uniforms for tomorrow and would drop them off just after lunch. I'm still waiting and will have to wash and dry them tonight ready for school tomorrow.
I'm so fucking sick of him. His gf was a botch this morning too taunting the kids about where they were going today so the kids felt envious and torn.
They are are nasty, abusive, toxic twosome and I fucking hate them both.

Sorry for the rant. Nothing I can do really but feels better to get it out.

Oh, and NC obviously, as regularly post.

Dc upset as no blazer for school and they have to wear it. I'll contact school and explain. Luckily they know he's a twat and dc won't get detention for his failings. I'm grateful they came home in their school shoes so at least they don't have to go to school in something totally inappropriate. It's a very strict school and would be a detention for the wrong uniform.
He's such a arse badger

Sorry to hear this. At least they have you on their team. Who sends their kids to school with the wrong stuff? That's shit.

Thank you. He is so controlling and does it on purpose. I don't normally let him rile me anymore but it's Mother's Day and he's been particularly vile this week threatening to go for custody when he doesn't even bother to be there when he has the dc anyway. He leaves them with his gf and blames me for not giving him enough notice to ensure he's off. He's had the court order since September ffs so knows all the dates but is always working.
I might download that headspace app to try and erase the fantasies of all his teeth falling out, or his hair, or his dick dropping off

Well still nothing so I'm not impressed.
We've been separated 6 years. You'd think he'd be past all this shit now. He's got his new life, new kids with his gf ow, says he's happy and wants to get on with his life yet chooses to try and mess with mine as often as possible. Lies to me, the kids, their schools, the solicitor, the courts, CAFCASS, social services and comes out squeaky clean each time despite a reported history of over a decade of domestic abuse of all kinds from him. He disgusts me.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but is your hatred of him clouding your judgement?

I mean, technically if it was his weekend he didn’t have to agree to you having them.

As for taunting the dc, did they just mention what their plans were and dc would have preferred to do that?

I’m just thinking of it from another perspective.

I didn't have to agree to an extra overnight and day in return either.
You did read the bit about him being abusive and controlling right? That's why I hate him.

What a twat he is. In future I wonder if a bit of reverse psychology would work here... Ie, "I really need you to have the children longer today as I'm going out." Or going to an event/hobby/date. Do you think he would bring them back earlier to 'mess up your plans?' This often works with fuckwits.

Yes, I read it but unfortunately you still have to co-parent with him.

I wasn’t aware he was abusive to the children I’m sorry. Do you even have to let him have contact if he’s abusive??

No. The court order must be obeyed to the letter and minute. Unless it's in his favour to change anything. Otherwise he threatens and usually does, take me back to court. 17 times so far. Judge has had enough but he always accuses me of abusing the kids to get it past the judge.

IvanaPee despite SS involvement the court always rules that they have a right to see their father. No notice has been taken of the domestic abuse at all even though I had a restraining order on him at one point. His gf encourages him to take me to court, and thinks he's me wonderful even though the kids report he's abusive to her too. SS say they don't need to be involved.

Your situation sounds very similar to my sister’s. I’m so sorry.

Unfortunately, in my sister’s case, because he wasn’t deemed a threat to my nephew, they didn’t consider the toxic environment he created.

It’s shit. I know it’s shit. I wish my ex BIL was dead to be frank as I think that would do less damage to her and to my nephew.

But... I will say the same thing to you as to her: to keep your sanity, you’ll have to try and rise above his pettiness. I KNOW that’s easier said than done. I really do.

But you can’t change his actions. You’re only in control of your own.

Going forward I would just expect the worst from him in terms of messing around with uniforms/times etc, and never ever let him see that it bothered or inconvenienced me. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

I would also have a voodoo doll of him for when I was feeling extra stabby

Thank you. I normally do ignore him as much as possible a d the solicitors letter heading to him this week ignores all his bullshit and just addresses the necessary points of his email. It just got to me because of Mother's Day and the threats of custody.
I'm sorry your sister is going through the same

You’re human. Of course it got to you.

It’s not much consolation but I firmly believe the chickens will come home to roost when the children are older and see what he is, and see which one of you had their best interests at heart.

Oh they already know, and the eldest is counting down to when the court can no longer force them to go. They love him but don't like him. It's really sad that he's stolen their childhood and made it a rollercoaster of court, social workers, interventions, police involvement etc. i wish he'd disappear.

Assuming they go to his straight from school on a Friday could they change out of their uniform before they leave, so at least it's there. Or even just leave their blazers at school? Could that be an option?

I would stop contact full stop. What can he do about it if the judge has said no more!

How old are the children?

If you have a court order then follow it to the letter as any change allows him to flex control. Days such as Mothers day are just days that can be celebrated when they are with you. 20 mins in the overall picture isn't an issue. There is a saying "drop the rope",
He is in a tug of war/power play with you, just don't play. Once you don't respond he will have to fight with someone else, it is the nature of high conflict individuals.

Detaching is essential for your mental wellbeing. Promise yourself to never respond to anything without waiting 24hours.
I have a controlling Ex and recognise he will try to do anything to cause me upset. I won't let him disturb my peace and well being.
Can you find ways to resolve school uniform as I know this can be a source of control and also worry for children.

They are 10 and 12. I've been told once they are 14 the court won't force them to go. If I stop contact I'll be in breach of the order so he would take me back to court, citing abuse. He's done this before when they've been too ill to go even though he's been given an alternative day to have them. He then uses being at court to alter the contact schedule for his benefit. The children don't benefit as he's rarely there so it's all about his control of me. He'll stop eventually.
I'll have a think about the school uniform and see if there's a way round it. I found their stuff in a dirty carrier bag in the recycling bin this morning He's not respect for their belongings.

Well this afternoon karma came and significantly bit him on the arse. I can't say what in case of outing myself even though I've NC for this thread but it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I do love a bit of karma. Threatening to take away a mother's children when you waltzed off and left them and shacked up with ow and her kids and produced another two is deserving of karma imo.

Feel free to mentally add a comma or three there!

Order is restored to my world