Delayed reaction to divorce? So low today and no one to chat.

[TheRoadBeneathMyFeet]

Divorce came through in September 2018. I didn’t want it but could only watch it happening anyway. The last two weeks I’ve really struggled. I’ve been ploughing on since he left in late 2016, haven’t missed a day of work, tried to plaster on a smile. It’s not working anymore. I’ve started counselling and it’s nice to talk, but I just don’t seem to be able to have any trust in the future. I had a miscarriage two days before he left and I’m scared I’m never going to have a family. I’m 36.

Mother’s Day today doesn’t help. I’ve tried to chat to a friend but she just complained that the eternity ring her DH had promised her as a mother’s day present wasn’t quite the one she wanted. I wanted to scream at her to appreciate her husband and beautiful children and not whinge about a fucking ring. Now I feel bad for thinking that.

Why am I feeling so low so long after he walked out/divorce? Why now and how can I move on?

Has anyone tips? Maybe I just need to pull myself together?

Hi sorry you're feeling so low. Funny I found myself at a low ebb today and your story seems similar. Not a day off work, people who didn't know ex had an affair and having to sell house being surprised at how I'd carried on and how cheerful I always seem. It used to be an act but slowly it's getting Betty g . The bastard had an affair in 2017 so time is slowly becoming a healer but it's shit quite frankly isn't it. I don't have any real advice but I think counselling us good. I had some to start with but probably not enough and I'm thinking of having more . I met someone who'd been through something similar and she said the same , it comes in waves . I think keep busy, see friends , have a laugh. And keep putting on that brave face I think it helps but ask for help when you need it. Big hugs you're not alone X

Better not betty

I know how you feel, OP, except I instigated it 2.5 years ago(still not divorced,)

I felt like I have been running on adrenaline ever since, carrying on, being strong, works, kids etc. I've even met a fantastic man who is a much better fit for me and is wonderful to me and my kids.

I instigated some mediation that went badly wrong, to try to sort out child access issues and it really triggered a delayed reaction. I'm probably just getting round to mourning my marriage now.

I'm having counselling and think time will probably do its job. That and continuing to create new memories with my kids and new man. We were together 18 years , it'll take a while to get over that. It's completely the right thing, ex was horrible. My head tells me that and my head has been driving me forward up to this point. I just need to wait for my heart to catch up.

Oh my God. It's not even been long!! You had a triple loss - baby, partner and then the marriage itself - and it only came to an end what, one season of the year ago. You poor thing, please dont berate yourself that you should be over it. It's such early days!

I am 3.5 years out from a split that I wanted, I still had a wobble and a cry when the decree absolu rolled in. I still have a cry at Christmas because my dream family is now out of reach... even though my new family, while more complicated, is exponentially happier. You have every right to be going through really big emotions at the moment.

I dont have advice for you but I will hold your hand. You are grieving, be kind to yourself. Please dont feel you are unusual in any way, how you are feeling is extremely normal.

Thank you, your kindness made me cry. I always thought that once everything is finalised, I would be better not worse. The adrenaline thing makes sense.

I’ve lost so much confidence and the whole experience has been a very isolating one.

You've had an awful lot to cope with and you may well have been carrying on regardless because back then you were not ready to grieve properly. Now you are. The best thing is to acknowledge it. You are allowed to be sad about what you've lost. Feeling that way isn't a weakness, it's natural.

As for wanting children - a good friend of mine was in the same boat as you: her partner walked out on her after she'd had a molar pregnancy at the age of 37. She decided to go it alone and now has two lovely DCs, whom she co-parents with their bio dad although they are not in a relationship. It works for her. There are other ways of having DC without needing a conventional relationship. This isn't me saying you have to do this, just that you have options.

Thank you, pointy. I am not too focused on children at the moment although I want them. I know there are options out there but I want to get better first for myself.

Road giving yourself time to heal is very wise. Having some time being single and finding out who you are now and what you want out of life will only make things better in the long run.

I'm fairly recently widowed (August) from the husband I was divorcing at the time after a 20 year marriage and I am still recovering from everything that happened. I don't see myself dating any time soon. I'm 51 and have 2 teenagers so a different situation from you, but giving myself time just feels like the right thing to do.

I had a few low points after everything was finalised and I wasn't expecting them, like you I thought everything would get better and that really threw me. I found re-reading a few self help books on divorce that I'd got at the time of the split really helped me put things back into place. The low points will pass.

It gets better but for a few years the sadness will call by occasionally. Most people with hopes and dreams of happiness, not with the expectation of divorce.

You have been through a lot in the last few months. Get some professional counselling because being 'heard' really helps.

Hope you're feeling a bit better. X

Thank you. It feels good to read that it’s ok to feel like that and that’s normal. I will continue to go to counselling. Best wishes to all of you going through similar