Plans to split

[Timeforplans]

I've NC for this. I have been on MN a good few years.

I want to split with 'D'H. I'm really unhappy but don't know where to begin.

We've 2 DC aged 11 & 8.

I've had another anxiety filled sleepless night.

What do I do?

First of all, you have to accept that you don't need a reason. You don't need to justify your decision and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone (obviously excuding the children in an age appropriate manner).

Before you do anything or tell anyone, get yourself to a solicitor and find out what your options are.

And if you need to talk, post here.

Solicitor to discuss your options. You need a good friend to talk it through with. Once you know your options and have prepared. You tell your DH and don't drag it out. It's not fair on him or your children, just do it! You need to prepare yourself for the "can't we try again" begging.

You don't need a reason you just need to be as sure as you can be that this is what you want. Happy seperate parents are far better than miserable together parents.

I think if you know you have done as much as you can, including exploring if your unhappiness is unrelated to your H then it is time to move on. A divorce always seems daunting but it is a process and at the end you will be single people again.

There are always doubts when a marriage does which is why I advocate knowing you have tried everything. It helped me to keep a journal of how awful days with Ex were, when I wavered and looked back with rose tinted glasses this reasured me.

How do you think your H will react? Do you have good friends and family?

Do not be fooled if he agrees to it being amicable. Do not allow yourself to be stitched up financially. Remember in divorce it's dog eat dog.
You don't need his permission to end your marriage either.

Have you thought about counselling, just for yourself?

I used it, as part of the process, and it's been a real eye-opener for me & a good source of support.

Thanks so much for your responses. They have really helped.

How much does it cost to see a solicitor?

I don't have many friends nearby so it will be difficult.

I'm already seeing a counsellor but not really explored the marriage. I try to avoid it as much as possible.

I am going to start a journal this evening because I can sway between wanting to definitely split and then to question it. I feel like I'm going nuts tbh

My lawyer cost £300 for initial appointment

@MoreProseccoNow OMG

I'm at the same stage, also with two children and no idea how to start.

Good luck to you!

Yep, it's not cheap! It's the standard rate round here.

Not sure where these mythical "first hour free" solicitors that seem to exist only on MN are!

There are free half hours but not sure you achieve much given they tend to say depends on what your Ex will agree to. All they tend to say is what info you will need, go through the process and say a rough estimate which can be broadly 50% of assets but depends on housing needs etc.

Ask on here or wikidivorce. Its a pretty well defined process and solicitors are needed if you don't want to submit paperwork yourself to court or if Ex high conflict and court likely.

Upshot is finances and children need to be agreed. This can be done at home if amicable or mediation or via solictors/court if high conflict.
Ending a marriage is applying for a divorce or waiting 2 years. First stage is decree nisi and then if paperwork for finances done and child arrangement agreed you can apply for absolute.

I think a divorce application is circa £600 for court fees. A solicitor could draft an agreement in a few hours and if your Ex agrees it could be sorted by 1k. It can rise to 25k if it has to go to court, VAT is added to invoices so mounts up quickly at £250 per hour!

Thanks for the information @Lifebegins50. I'm going to write a journal as you suggested because I keep flipping between certainty and uncertainty. It's as if he realises that I'm about to announce leaving and he starts to be nice.

Where are you up to @Honeybooboo123? Have you told your 'D' H how you feel?

No. Altho i doubt it will come as a surprise

If you are dithering try ‘Too good to leave, too bad to stay’ (or something like that). Helped me immensely.

For planning, first up get a good idea of your finances - what equity there is in the house, value of pensions, savings, debts, any big ticket items.

As a starter-for-10 on the financial split think 50:50 of all equity, and check the CMS website for any child maintenance that might be payable. Once split your XDH has no responsibility to maintain you and vice versa but you both have responsibility to maintain the kids.

Solicitors are expensive but vital (ditto Mediation). You are likely to have spent £000s on your wedding: your divorce is going to cost money too I;m afraid.

Thanks for this. I'm completely terrified and have a constant pain in my stomach. I feel sick