Father in law issues - urgent advice

[Monica247]

Hi

I don't know where to begin and could really use some advice as I am feeling guilty about how I am feeling in deciding not to allow my 3 yr old see his grandad anymore. I have been crying all evening and really upset about this family issue. Ive been married to my husband for 5 years and since being with him, I've always had run ins with my father in law (fil). This has mainly been comments with racial undertones as well as him asking my husband why he chose me as his wife and asking if he found me in a dumpster. I've been putting up with his sly comments all this time but since I had my son in 2015, I have felt that I need to stand up more for myself so my son doesn't see his grandad behaviour as acceptable.
Today our car broke down and as my fil arrived to pick up me and my son so my husband could stay in the car till the breakdown guy arrived, i voiced my concerns to my fil that just days ago, my husband's cousin had carried out an MOT and service on the car but he didn't mention the clutch having problems. (We have been using him since I've known my husband and the car always seems to get worse whenever a service has been carried out, even my sister in law refuses to have her car seen by him for this very reason) but as soon as I mentioned we might try another garage to look at the car, my fil slammed the door really hard that my 3 yr old who was in the back of car, whimpered and my fil walked up to my husband who was in his car and said "go to another garage and pay them more than name of cousin charges you". My husband was obviously shocked and confused by this outburst and I was so upset that he made my son cry, I got out of the car and proceeded to take my son out of the seat. My fil then ran towards me and AGGRESSIVELY started manhandling my son, shouting "Here take him!" He was aggressively taking him out of his seat belt and hurting him. My husband and I both asked him what on earth he was doing. Our son was crying in fear and just thinking of the look on his face is breaking my heart. He started saying "Nonno no!" I grabbed my son from my fil and told him not to touch my son like that. I can't explain it on writing well but it was a terrifying experience and I thought he was going to attack my son. As soon as I walked away from him, my fil followed me and came up to my face and said that I was nothing to him or my husband's family. By now I was so shaken up and in tears of this unexpected outburst that I screamed "Fine! But don't you ever hurt my son like that again!" A resident on the road saw what happened and offered her son to play with my son to calm him down. She asked me what the hell that man was doing but I was too shocked and in tears to reply. My husband stayed quiet throughout this the whole time. In the end my fil drove off and I called for an Uber to take me and my son home. Later today my husband went to visit his dad who then told him that I had an attitude problem and that he didn't like the way I told him not to touch his grandson. He didn't apologise or acknowledged any wrong doing and my husband left not knowing what to say. This man shouts and belittles his wife so it probably wasn't a surprise he used this same threatening tactic on me today when I confronted him

I have had enough of this man. I would never wish to stop my child from seeing his grandparents but I am so angry and sad by the events of today and how he hurt my son and then denied it saying he would never intentionally hurt him, that I have told my husband my fil is no longer allowed to see our son and I don't ever want to speak to him again. I am upset with my husband too as he stayed quiet the whole time his dad was in my face screaming at me that I feel so alone and unsupported in this family. He agrees his dad was out of order but downplays his behaviour by not telling him how it made me and his son feel. My son has been crying most of the time today because he saw his grandad shout at his mum and said that he was a bad man and asking why his nonno was shouting at me. I would really love some advice right now.

Your son knows the deal. “Nonno is a bad man.” Listen to him. He shouldn’t be hanging around bad men. Why would your husband be allowing someone who makes racist comments about you want to be part of your family anyway? I think your husband’s passivity is the bigger problem, isn’t it? He needs to grow a pair and tell his wider family where to go. He needs to explode at his cousin for screwing up the MOT. Things are not right in family land.

What a gobshite bastard.
I'm afraid he would have blisters on his knees before I would let him set eyes on me or my son again. Fuck him!

I don't know what to say OP, how absolutely awful for you and your poor DS I think your instincts are spot on and neither you nor DS should be anywhere near him ever again.

I can understand why you feel let down by your DH too, he should have stood up for you without question. The only thing I will say is that people are often ground down and conditioned by abusive parents like your FIL and you may well find your DH's lack of reaction was the result of years of having to 'manage' his fathers abuse. It's not an excuse and you're justified in how you're feeling but it may offer some explanation for your DH's behaviour.

You will need to be on your guard now against DH (and possibly other family members) trying to downplay what happened and persuade you to relent and see FIL/let DS see him, this is common in families with a toxic parent. Stick to your guns and don't let anyone minimise what FIL did, he has made it unsafe for you or DS to be around him and you are absolutely right to stay away. I hope you and DS are ok

Your dh seems to be afraid of his dad. If he won't protect you from fil you have to protect yourself. I agree with your decision. But since mil is belittled by fil you may not see her again either. Your fil sounds awful but you also have a dh who let him speak to you like this for years

Your husband already made you feel small from his talking to his ex, now he doesn’t defend you and your son against his father. What more do you need to happen before you leave him?

Hey everyone thank you all for your advice.

Can I just bring up that me, my husband, our son and mil and fil went away on a holiday in 2017. During this holiday, I found out my husband had been Facebook messaging an ex of his for over SEVEN months, flirting with her, sending her Snapchat pics of him and making fun of me and her husband, saying me and him should get together, as well as my weight gain since giving birth and how he regretted not doing anything intimate with her in his room the last time they were together 10 yrs ago. The point is that after all my shock and devastation of learning this and especially whilst staying with his family in Italy, I was all alone and desperate to head back home on a flight with my son, my feelings were downplayed by both my in laws and he also verbally abused me when I refused to go out to their family party the next night! I suffer from migraines especially when I've cried too much. But even then they told me not to break up my son's family and at least my husband hadn't slept with her. So I stayed with my husband. He kept saying he loved me and wasn't going to do anything physical but I wondered if it was because he had been caught before anything physical could have happened.
So this incident today has made me question my future and my son's future. I don't feel supported and I worry if it's because we are both pretending to be in love for the sake of our son but when I really need my husband's support he isn't anywhere to be found.

1. Your FIRST duty is to your innocent and vulnerable DS
2. Your second is to yourself

1. You have very little obligation to your "D"H and
2. absolutely no obligation to his family.

Dump the "D"H as he's been raised by an abusive father and appears to be repeating father's attitudes to women.
Your DS deserves much much better.

Op you have two threads both saying the same stuff, you need to close one down. And weirdly you felt the need to “can I just bring up” the history I had already raised?

Hey Boredgiraffes

Yeah thanks I noticed your message after I posted the one about husband messaging ex and then I realised I had posted about this incident in 2017.
How do I close the other thread down? There's no delete button I can see.

I would be running a mile from this toxic family.

Contact mumsnet and tell them it’s a duplicate

Because you are responding and keeping both active?

By the time I was born, three of my grandparents had died and I only had one witch of a grandmother, whom I would have been better off without. Then my father left when I was four and I swear I had a great childhood and consider myself among the fortunate of this world. The absence of bad grandparents and fathers is a blessing.

Your DH needs to grow a backbone, wtf was he just standing there for when he saw his dad behave like this?

You know what you need to do.

I would be doing the same in your shoes - your husband needs to step up here too